The sound of the gun was still ringing in my ears. The smell of smoke and burnt gunpowder lingering in the cool night air. I would even venture to say that there was still some small hint of surprise upon Beverly's cold lifeless features but I'd be lying to myself wouldn't I. Dead is dead after all and there was no expression to be found there, nor even a hint of recognition in those dark empty eyes.
It was at that moment that I realized that I was not just holding the gun. I had been holding my breath as well. Watching, perhaps even waiting for her to do something more that would require me to shoot her again.
That feeling of expectation, you know how it is with those types like Jason Voorhees or Michael Myers. How they always seem to be down for the count and yet are somehow able to give you one more good scare before the hero hacks off their head or pumps a few dozen additional rounds into them.
It's all bullshit of course but when you grow up watching enough movies and late-night television. You start to get these ideas into your head and even start to believe that shit like that really happens. In reality, it doesn't.
I was finally able to count to ten and take a long, slow, deep breath to calm myself down enough to do what needed to be done next. After all, there was a party just up the road that I needed to get to. I had to be there before the Sheriff and deputy dickhead showed up to shut it down later tonight like they did every year.
-
It had been just before my 10th birthday that Beverly, my mother, disappeared for the first time.
They had been fighting the night before and most of that morning so Daddy had simply assumed that she'd needed the time and space to cool down.
It was only after my birthday had come and gone that the fear and panic had begun to settle in and Daddy finally contacted the Sheriff and started calling anyone and everyone that he could think of to try and find her.
Beverly was only gone for a few months that first time. Eventually, she turned up, telling anyone who would listen about what had happened. I won't bother sharing the details given that her story was so impossibly fantastic that you'd need to be on more than just a few drugs to even believe half of the shit she went on about in the days that followed her return.
It was at that young age that I learned the true meaning of the phrase "Love is Blind" because Daddy never challenged or even questioned anything she said. He simply welcomed her back with open arms promising that he'd take care of her and that everything would be the way it was before.
Of course, nothing would ever be the way it was before because it was not even six months later that she was gone again leaving no clue as to where she had gone or even if or when she'd ever return.
-
I cleaned the gun and placed it in her lifeless hand taking that extra step to make sure that her finger was pressed firmly on the trigger before slipping out the passenger side of the Impala. Than grabbing my sports bag out of the back seat of the car.
Honestly in those moments, I was still trying to digest what I had done as well as the fact that she had been stupid enough to have even gone along with it in the first place. Her willingness to be the one to drive me out to the Elder Lake campgrounds for the Seniors end of year party. An action seemingly so out of character for her and yet how easy it had been for me to call upon that old and tired line about us needing Mother-Daughter bonding time. The very same line that she had used with me to get her way time and again and how surprisingly easy it had been to use that very same line on her to achieve that same end and for a brief passing moment I even wondered if she had gone along with it out of some sense of nostalgia.
I had picked that spot on Loggers Road for several reasons. The first being that it was the very same road that led down to the lakeside cabin that Daddy had once rented for us during those Summer vacations back in the days before Beverly had started her little disappearing act.
The second was because the road was ideal for what I had planned. Set at a fairly steep incline that at one point turned sharply at the bottom of the hill. It was there that if you timed things just right and had built up enough speed that you could easily miss the barrier and put the vehicle a fair distance out into what was by all accounts the deepest part of Elder Lake. In the end, all you really had to do, was start the car and put it in neutral. Then, just aim the front end down the hill. The rest was simply a matter of gravity and momentum.
-
I'm surprised by the things we learn to refer to as 'normal' in our lives and how we use them to explain away or simply ignore the bad or uncomfortable truths.
Beverly just appeared back in our lives again about 18 months later. I just woke up one morning and there she was. She and Daddy were talking and laughing with one another at the breakfast table acting as if nothing had happened and all was right again with the world.
I was twelve by then and honestly didn't know how to feel or even what to say but Daddy was the happiest I had seen him in a while so I played along. Acting out the part that had been picked for me and playing along because as long as Daddy was happy then so was I.
For the time being, we were once more, what I guess you'd call, a happy family. Or at least we were all acting that way. Each of us seemingly content to play our parts. Beverly was once more full of joy and laughter. She was back at playing the role of a loving wife and adoring mother. All of it seemed almost normal and until they weren't anymore and Beverly was gone again.
This time she hadn't just left. She had taken Daddy's car. Along with, as much cash as she could get her hands on and his company credit card.
The worst news came however when the Sheriff showed Daddy and me the video footage of Beverly taking money out of a cash machine and making purchases at some store two towns over. All in the company of another man whom both Daddy and I recalled seeing around the neighborhood in the weeks prior.
-
It was nothing like what you see on television or in the movies which I'll have to admit was kind of a letdown.
The Impala just sort of rolled quietly down the incline and then drifted off the edge of the road just shy of the barrier like I had planned and then it was just gone. No roaring explosion, No great crashing sound, Not even the sound of it slamming into the water a hundred or so feet below. It was just; gone and with it Beverly.
Of course, even having watched the car roll down the hill and disappear I had to be certain... I needed to be certain that she was gone and that this time she would not be coming back. Collecting my sports bag from the ground I ran down the old road to the barrier to take one final look over the edge and make sure.
