I remember everything about that day.
I was a pretty typical teenage girl β angry, confused, upset about the changes that my body was going through. School was brutal. Everything sucked. I was sure I didn't fit in. The other kids either made fun of me or were of no help. My parents were sympathetic but they couldn't help much. At least I didn't think they could. They worried about me, I was sure, but I was just as sure they had no idea what I was really going through. I was positive they just didn't understand.
We had moved across the country three months prior for my dad's new job. He was a wonderful dad and his efforts had always allowed us to live in relative comfort. We were far from wealthy but thanks to him we were more than comfortable. We lacked for nothing, at least not in the necessities of life. But my dad, wonderful as he was, and my mom, wonderful as she was too, couldn't help me with my school situation. I had left all my friends behind and started midyear as the awkward, geeky new kid at a private school where I knew no one, and no one knew me. And because of some scheduling problem the move had cost me a year which made me older than the other kids. Here I was, eighteen and with one more year to go in an evil private school. I hated everything and it felt like everything hated me back.
Something had to give, and finally, it did.
I unlocked the side door and walked in from the driveway to the laundry room. It was early afternoon and I had just gotten home from another miserable day at school. The school bus had smelled like farts and body odor, neither attractive on their own but much worse together. I shut the door behind me and leaned against it, wishing it could keep the whole world out. I looked around the laundry room for something to put on, wishing I could shimmy out of my hated school uniform right there. But there was nothing. My mother always liked to keep the laundry room spotless. I sighed and went into the house.
My school uniform was a starched button-up white shirt and a little baby-sized men's tie, which I supposed had seemed like a good idea to someone. Even worse was the plaid skirt, with white knee socks and black patent leather shoes. I suppose it was meant to help us all ignore our differences and think that we were the same, but, in fact, all it did was point out our differences that much more. The stupid, tailored, fitted, taut and white shirt was starting to be too small for my growing breasts and revealed far more than I was comfortable with. Likewise, the skirt ended well above my knees and seemed to want to admit every passing draft. Worse, my maturing ass, although by no means huge, had rounded out quite a bit, forcing me to be careful about bending over or even leaning forward in school, lest I give everyone a free shot of my panties. My parents, ever the diplomats, had explained that there was only a month left of school and I would have to deal with the uniforms as they were for the time being.
Throwing my book bag on the couch I went into the kitchen to talk to my mother. She was casually dressed, as I wished I was. She loved the comfort that being a stay-at-home mom gave her. "Never say 'just a stay-at home mom'", she was fond of repeating. "I kick ass at being a homemaker." And that was true.
She was barefoot, wearing black flare-leg yoga pants and an oversize man's T-shirt as she cooked something on the stove. She often did yoga in the house during the day to stay in shape, and occasionally went to a yoga studio downtown if she felt like she needed an exceptional workout. She was still a few inches taller than I was, tan and lean from swimming in our pool. She was proud of her body, and rightly so. Her dark shoulder length hair was pulled into a ponytail while she cooked. From behind, or pretty much any angle, she could've been my sister. Sometimes I found that annoying, but not today. Today I wanted a shoulder to cry on, and sister-mom was perfect.
Dad, bless his hard-working heart, wouldn't be home for another four hours which left her and me alone in the house. My mom was my favorite person in the whole world, and while she was not overly permissive, I knew she would tolerate a good deal of bitching and complaining from me. So I decided to spill my guts.
"Hi honey," she said as I entered, greeting me with a smile. Her smiles were never forced, not towards me at least. She always appeared genuinely happy to see me. "How was your day?"
"I hate my life," I said, walking up to her, leaning forward and lightly head-butting her arm like a small mopey child. "Everyone hates me and I don't understand anything that's going on and I'm so frustrated."
There must have been a special note in my voice that day because not a second later she turned off the pot she was stirring, covered it, and faced me. All of a sudden I found myself engulfed in a big hug.
"You sound like you really need a hug today," she said and I nodded, rubbing my head against her chest. I loved her hugs. "It's tough being so young and being thrown into adulthood, isn't it? So many things going on, so many changes, inside and outside." We stood like that for a moment, face-to-face in the kitchen, me with my face buried in her shoulder as she rubbed my back, rocking me slightly. "Tell me what's bothering you, sweetheart."
"I just feel like I'm going crazy," I said, feeling miserable. "I'm so frustrated. I hate everything and nothing's any fun anymore and everyone hates me and I feel ugly. I'm just angry all the time and I'm so tense. I feel like I could just scream, and you're the only one I can talk to."
She put one hand under my chin and pulled me eye-level to her. She stared me right in the eyes, nose to nose, with a look that I didn't quite understand at the time. Then, again for reasons I didn't understand, she checked the clock before wrapping an arm around me, her movement slow and tender.
"I know a little bit about teenage frustration," she said. "Mommy can help. I know exactly why you're frustrated."
"Because I'm crazy?" I asked and returned her slight smile with one of my own.
"No, sweetheart, it's because you're not crazy. You're perfectly normal," she said, chuckling. "You have no idea how normal you are." Then she kissed me, not on the forehead, but on the lips. Just a little peck, nothing out of place for a tender moment between girls β right? "Perfectly, perfectly normal. I know exactly what's wrong."
She took me by the hand and pulled me toward the rest of the house, out of the kitchen. "Come with me," she said. "We're going to work out your frustration."
"Oh, Mom, not yoga," I said. "I don't think yoga will help."
She just smiled, amused, mysterious. "Not yoga," she said. Walking up next to her she slipped an arm around me as I leaned my head on her shoulder.
Instead of going toward the front room where she had her big-screen TV and yoga mats she led me down the hall toward our bedrooms. I was a bit puzzled at that. My puzzlement only grew when we got to the end of the hall and instead of turning left into my room we turned right, stepping right into her and dad's bedroom. Now I was truly confused.
She turned to face me, smiling. "Take off your shoes, dear," she said and I didn't even have to think twice. I slipped off the black patent leather pumps I hated so much, very happy to be rid of them. "Here, let's get rid of this silly thing too," she added, pulling apart the Windsor knot in my tie with a deft hand and sliding it out from around my neck. That tingled for some reason β the sensation of my mother pulling on my tie.
"I hate these clothes," I said. "Can I take the blouse off as well?"
She just smiled, the same smile I was so used to seeing from my mother. "Yes, let's get rid of that too," she said. "It must be terribly restrictive. I know it's a little tight."