As I awoke I turned to my left to look at Robbie face. It wasn't until I had stared at the empty pillow that I remembered Robbie had died. He was gone. Not on a business trip, not to the store, but gone from us forever.
I reached for the pillow and held it in my arms as tears began to run down my cheeks and onto that same pillow. God, I missed Robbie so much. I lay there trying so hard to not let my depression and tears rack my body with tremors.
The doctors had said I should cry and let my grief show, get it out. Don't hold it inside. That wasn't going to be a problem, not at all. Finally I put the pillow back in its place and I lay on my back as I looked up toward Heaven and began to talk to Robbie. Maybe this would help me accept the grief.
"Robert Allan Evans, it's me your wife. Remember me? Of course you do. I've been trying to deal with your not being here anymore and let me tell you, it's not easy."
As I wiped the tears from my face I continued to talk to his spirit. "Mikie and Maddy and I miss you so much. Why did you have to go away? Why did God take you away from us? We needed you. I needed you my husband. Your children needed you."
It wasn't getting easier to talk to him just not so angry. Robbie and I had married right out of high school. 2 years later I gave birth to Maddy, she's now 20 and getting ready to go back to Northwestern in a few weeks. Then just like clock work, 2 years later I gave birth to Mikie. He is 18 (and a half as he proudly tells me) and he will
be starting an internship at his uncles publishing company in down town in a few weeks. Both of the kids well be living at home which I'm thankful for. I'm just not ready to be all alone. The house is already feeling too big.
I finally feel back to sleep. As I turned on my side to cuddle down into the comforter and pillow I felt the bed shake. I didn't bother to turn to see which cat it was that had jumped up on the bed. It didn't matter, either one Spot or Rover they were both my sweeties. They were twin long hair black males that we had gotten about a year ago. I just thought that which ever one it was would just curl up on Robbie's pillow and go to sleep.
"Mom?" a voice said softly. "Are you awake Mom? I need to talk."
It was Mikie that had sat down on the bed.
I turned my head toward his voice and said "Yes honey I'm right here, what do you need?"
There was a brief silence and then I heard Mikie sob. He cried as if his heart were breaking. "Oh Mom, I miss Dad so much."
His body shook with the sobs. His muscular chest heaving as he cried.
I turned onto my back as I held out my arms to my son. "Come here honey" I whispered to Mikie. He climbed into the bed and curled up next to me. Just like he'd done since he was 3. When something upset him he'd come to me and just curl up to my side. I didn't care if he was 3 or 18 ½. I held Mikie as he just whimpered and tried to get all his anger out.
He sat up and turned toward me as he wiped his face and said "Mom, it's just not fair. Why did Dad die? How are we supposed to go on?" He sat there with these questions on his lips.
"Mikie, I want you to listen to me, alright?" I said. "It was your Dad's time to go. Everyone arrives on earth at different times. And then we have to leave at different times to go back to Heaven. And I know that you are questioning your faith in the Almighty but please don't, just set it aside for now and grieve. God hasn't given up on you, ok?"
He sat there and just looked at me. "Mom, where did you learn that?"
"I read" I said with a smile as I held his hand. I was just gazing at my handsome son's face, just so beautiful. "Mikie why don't you just go wash your face and come back and lay down and we'll go back to sleep for a little while" I said with a smile on my face.
Mikie turned and went into my bathroom and ran a wet wash clothe over his face and came back and pulled up the blanket to lie down.
I had turned on my side to face him and my eyes were closed as I felt him get comfortable and drift off back to sleep. I opened my eyes as I gazed over his sweet face. I placed my hand over his arm to comfort him and went back to sleep.
Finally the clock radio went off at 9:00 and I sat up to turn it off. My head was swimming in the things that had happened in the last few months.
Then I remembered that Mikie was in my bed. I turned to look at him. He was lying on his back with his left leg out from under the blanket just like Robbie. But unlike Robbie, Mikie had flannel pajamas on where as his Father had slept in his birthday suit, I just smiled to myself as I got up to go make some breakfast. Mikie was sleeping so soundly I didn't think I'd wake him. I slipped on a robe and quietly left the room.
I went down stairs and began to make eggs, bacon and toast. I for one was very hungry. Both my kids would probably be hungry too since they were still growing. Gee Mikie was already 6'2" and if he did keep growing we'd need to get him a new bed.
As I stood in the front of the fridge getting the ingredients out I heard a yawn at the kitchen table. Sounded like Maddy. Without even turning I said "Good morning little Miss Muffet."
"Morning Mom" Maddy said still a little groggy. Maddy was dressed in her usual night time affair, a bigger than normal football jersey and lacey panties, not that you could see them with the jersey almost going to her knees.
"I'm making breakfast, you hungry?" I asked her as I turned to the island and laid everything out.
"Oh yes Mom, famished" Maddy grinned. "Where's Mikie?"
"Last I saw of him he was still asleep in my room" I began. "He had a rather bad night so I let him sleep in my bed." It wasn't unusual for either of my children to sleep with me since there Father died. We were always a close family and I didn't want them to have night terrors.
As I began to stir the eggs, the bacon was sizzling lightly on the stove. The coffee pot began to drip and the aroma of the coffee beans and the bacon filled the air. It smelled like a normal kitchen on a normal morning. Only thing that wasn't normal I thought was Robbie wouldn't be rushing down the stairs in a mad dash to get out the door. I poured a cup of coffee for Maddy and one for myself as a tear feel down my cheek and onto my robe. I lifted my sleeve to wipe it away. And then I heard the board on the stairs squeak and there was Mikie standing in a sleeping stupor.
"Oh Mom it smells so good down here" Mikie sighed as he planted his bottom on a stool at the breakfast bar.
"Morning Maddy, how'd you sleep?" Mikie asked his sister as he picked up a slice of bacon and slipped it into his mouth.
"Okay brother dear" she answered "Sorry you had a bad night" she said as she put her arm around his waist and kissed his cheek. "I love you, you know?"
Mikie just nodded as he began to eat his eggs and toast. He always left the bacon for the end. He used to say that it was his treat to himself.
