Christmas 2005
"Hi, it's me," I heard pouted down the line.
"Ohhhh, great," I replied facetiously back to my daughter.
"What?" the little bitch croaked, although I immediately realized I couldn't fairly describe my daughter as little anymore.
"Nothing...nothing. What do you want anyway?"
"It's almost Christmas," my twenty-three year old daughter started.
So fucking what, I thought. Surely she doesn't think she can get any more blood out of her old man. "You're Jewish."
"Just part. Gram invited me to spend Christmas with her...in Miami."
"My mother invited you?" I asked incredulously.
"Yes daddy, my Grandmother! Mommy's going to France with Jean-Pierre for the holidays. I've got twelve days off with the weekends and the holidays so I thought I'd come down. I'm tired."
"From shopping?"
"Ha...ha. You're so funny."
"You're not planning on staying with me are you?"
"Nooo father!" she sneered. "I wouldn't want to disturb the great man...even if it is Christmas...a time when most families get together..."
I heard her whooshing intake of her breath twelve hundred miles away when I simply said, "Fuck off Patricia."
"What," she finally stammered.
"We're adults now. Can't we just cut the crap? I don't need this bullshit anymore. You're supposed to be a mature woman now...a doctor for Christ's sake."
The normal steel was back in her voice when she snapped back, "Well screw you too. I'm only calling because grams asked me to...she wanted her little boy told, poor baby."
"Patricia," I warned.
"The hell with you. Anyway I'll be at grams condo from the twenty-third until the third. You can spend the holidays in Cuba with your friend Fidel for all I care," she said as she slammed down the phone in my ear.
~~~~~~~~
I was shaking as I tried to put the phone back in its cradle. She still had the ability to piss me off. Hardly without even trying. God, it's been almost ten fucking years since her mother walked out on me, I thought, taking Patty and my happiness with her.
~~~~~~~~
"Hi mom," I said ominously when my mother answered he phone.
"Jimmy, how nice," she sang back at me. "Did you hear the good news? About Patricia coming down for the holidays?"
"She called me mom."
"Isn't it nice?"
"She should be taken out and shot. Or guillotined. Put her out of her misery."
"That's a terrible thing for a father to say. You've got to try honey," she begged.
"Did you hear the latest? About her chosen medical specialty?"
"She wants to be a surgeon," mom protested, "There's nothing wrong with that."
"YEAH! A bloody plastic surgeon! Nose jobs and tummy tucks for the rich and famous. Breast implants. Christ, knowing her she'll end up doing vaginal reconstructions. It's new, it's called Labiaplasty, apparently it creates aesthetically pleasing outer genital structures, rumor has it that it's all the rage in certain quarters."
"Jimmy!" mom said laughing.
"Or hymenoplasty...you can imagine what that does."
"There's no such thing!"
"There is. Twenty grand and you're a virgin again," I shouted.
"She may end up helping the poor, the needy; in Africa...people who've been in accidents, people with genetic disfigurements," mom protested. "She might even go to South America...to the Amazon...to where we've practiced," she said wistfully.
"The poor won't pay for the polo ponies, or the cashmere dresses, or the caviar and champagne," I said harshly.
"She's still young honey...maybe...oh, I just wish that awful woman hadn't got custody," she wailed.
The two of us were in one hundred percent agreement about my ex and the way she lived her life and raised my daughter. Only much of the blame my mother apportioned was now laid squarely on my doorstep for marrying her in the first place.
"Please Jimmy...if we try...you've got to talk to her...we're the only people in her world who have any sense at all. Any social responsibility."
"She hasn't said ten kind words to me since she was sixteen," I yelled, then quickly apologized, "sorry ma. She even gets us arguing."
"Still, I'm going to try, we'll have ten days," she insisted as she hung up. Mom was always ready to try, to give someone the benefit of the doubt, to help the poor, the needy, the...
~~~~~~~~~
I'd spent the first fifteen years of my life on a commune. Mom, the daughter of one of New York's richest Jewish families, had just finished her medical degree at Columbia when she discovered sex, marijuana, Buddhism and Marx the summer before her residency was to begin.
She ended up pregnant with yours truly on a farm commune in the hills of Tennessee. It was never clear who fathered me.
Reagan was President. Being rich was in. Taxes were cut. Conspicuous consumption was good! Trickle down and all that. Ma had become a hippie twenty years too late. She ended up doctoring to the hill country poor while living with her left wing friends on the commune.
Then, after I'd left for University, she went and spent three years deep in the Amazon jungle ministering to the native tribes. She worked out of a small Catholic school and mission that tried to serve a ten thousand square mile area deep in the rainforest. Since then she'd been bouncing back and forth between Miami and the jungle.
Meanwhile I, a young premed student at Harvard in Boston, unfortunately met Miss Rebecca Marie Cooperman, a dazzling young coed studying fine arts at Bryn Mawr. I fell in love. What a fucking jerk. My brain was in my dick!