Kimberlys Sin Ch 05

Chapter Five: what's next?

at the office....

I arrived at work, still aware the very faint taste of Ben's semen; and uncertain what I should do, or what I could do with this emotionally and morally complicated mess I found myself in. But my first step was to go to the ladies room to brush my teeth. I was terrified at the prospect that somehow my son's faint scent might be detectable on my breath. I was paranoid that someone would somehow instinctively know the horrific act I was committing.

Part of me kept questioning whether or not I was truly the monster that society would label me if they only knew. I wanted to believe I was not a pariah, but I was not convinced.

I closed the door to my office and sat trying to sort out my thoughts, feelings, and decide what the future might hold for both me, and my son.

I did not fully understand how this all happened, although I felt very culpable. My childhood Catholic upbringing taught me plenty about guilt, as well as some about forgiveness.

I could revisit the events leading up to this moment, but to what end? Yes, I should not have invaded his privacy the night I saw him first masturbating; and yes, I should never agreed to our mutual masturbation session, that was totally over the line. And I should never have allowed him to touch and taste me. Each mistake led to another. But I do not know how I could have prevented last night; Ben was intent on having me, with or without my diaphragm in place.

I was convinced that allowing Ben to enter me with my diaphragm in place was infinitely preferable to being taken unwillingly with no protection. For all my guilt and shame that I continue to deal with even to this day, I am still convinced that deciding to allow Ben to enter me with my diaphragm in place was really the right decision.

On the other hand, I was not a victim here. I did respond physically to Ben's attentions; and I did respond emotionally as well. I responded in a profound and shattering manner. I should not have, I wish I had not; but I had.

So what now? The important thing was doing what was best for Ben. My son seems to have no problem with the current arrangement. He seems to have no pangs of guilt. I needed to think more; I needed to have a serious discussion with Ben. I also need to understand better what was really going inside Ben's head. Then I thought, I do not even understand what is going on inside my head! I was totally confused.

Later that morning I called my ObGyn and got a prescription for birth control pills. I did not know what the future would hold, but it was clear that neither Ben nor I could be trusted to put these events in the past where they belong, and I knew that I did not have the physical or emotional strength to stop him from taking me whenever he chose. And I was not sure I could turn away from the pleasure my son gave me either.

I did not trust either of us to do the right thing.

When I picked up the prescription over lunch, the pharmacist reminded me to use another form of birth control for at least seven days after starting to take the pill. Note to self, keep diaphragm in place whenever there was any risk or potential.

Back in my office, I shut my door again and sat in trying to sort things out. I need to assess how this happened and what to do about it. Just how culpable was I? Did I do something that caused Ben to come on to me, or was I merely thrown into a difficult and unexpected situation to which I responded poorly? What exactly did I do to encourage Ben to feel so comfortable pushing the boundaries with me? When did I cross the line from being his mother to being a sexual target for him? How did this happen?

Wait, I realized, I was asking all the wrong questions. While understanding my level of culpability might lessen, or increase the level of guilt I was already feeling, it was not going to help me determine what I should be doing next? Unintentionally, I had crossed a line that should never have been crossed, actually several lines. On the other hand, Ben was of legal age, and he was a fully developed and mature man; at least physically.

And although I knew what Ben and I did was wrong by any measure, he did not think it was; he thought it was one of the most beautiful of encounters two people could experience. Was I really in a position to argue against his assessment? Could he be right? Could it be that these would be the most precious and cherished memories he ever experiences as he passed through life?

I had to accept the fact that not only was not I going to change Ben's view of this; I was not going to be able to dissuade him from trying, in a most tenacious manner, to maintain the physical nature of our relationship.

And did I really want to dissuade him? And objectively speaking, on one level, I felt the proper thing was to stop this craziness; however, I knew I would be unable to resist his determined full pressure assault on my will power and my loins.

Although I verbally had discouraged Ben's advances, I did not resist enough, if at all. In fact, my physical reactions did nothing but encourage my son to continue. While I was saying 'no', I was allowing Ben to remove my panties, and I was squatting and opening my thighs to give Ben better access to my most intimate parts. I did enjoy his touch, I loved the feeling of having him inside me, filling me and stretching me open. I loved the feeling last night of laying with Ben inside me in a post-coital cuddle as I slowly descended from a powerful orgasm. Wrong as it was, I enjoyed it, a lot.

I would like to think that if I really wanted to do so, I could behave better going forward, but I was fairly certain I would not be able to resist his pressure and advances. He simply knew how to push my buttons too well. And I felt certain his pressure would continue after the success he had had so far.

OK, if I could not institute a "dead stop" on the physical and sexual aspects of our relationship, what were the rules? First, I needed to make sure that I was protected from pregnancy. I would use my diaphragm religiously in addition to getting on the pill starting today. Ben and I needed to have a candid discussion and agree what was in and what was out of bounds. It was time to go home, and face my son.

Going home to face Ben

As I got up to leave, it dawned on me, I needed to always have my diaphragm in place when I came home. Ben need not know I had it in place, but I could not risk being taken, either by force or by seduction, without having time to get my protection in place. I went into the ladies' room and inserted my diaphragm as a strictly precautionary measure, not knowing what I would encounter at home. As I did so, I shook my head in disbelief that I was inserting my diaphragm in case my 19 year old son insists upon taking me tonight. Amazing. And being honest with myself, I knew if he "insisted", I would cooperate.

I arrived home that night to find Ben had prepared a meal for the two of us, and had already chosen a bottle of wine for us to share over dinner. He was attempting to create a romantic mood for his 'date' tonight.

"Can we talk?" I asked as I sat down at the dinner table.

"Sure, what do you want to talk about?" Ben said with a sly grin.

"About all that has happened between you and I the past two nights. I realize I may not be able to convince you that this is wrong, or that it should not have happened, or that we need to stop and place this in the distant past...."

Ben interrupted, "That's good. My work is done." He said as he pumped a fist in the air for effect.

"Ben, please, don't joke now. This is not a good situation for you. You should be chasing college girls, developing relationships with girls your own age, and ultimately finding one you married and raise a family with."

"Mom, I intend to do all those things. But I want you, too. I need you, too. All I ever wanted was to have a woman like you. Now, not only do I have a woman like you, I have you. And I am never, ever letting you go. You are mine now; there is nothing anyone can do about it. Not you, not anybody. A part of you will always belong to me."

Once again, my head was swirling. There was no question, Ben was feeling deep, passionate and real love; not simple teenage lust. To him, this was a committed relationship; a life long commitment of sorts. It was wrong, it was twisted; but it was real, genuine, and to him, beautiful. I could not help being flattered that any man could be so taken, so in love and so committed to me.

It was also clear that Ben did not think he was doing anything wrong for him, or for me. He did not see any way that passionately loving me would harm me. And it was clear that he was a very tenacious and determined young man, and he was not going to be dissuaded from this course he had set us both on.

After several moments of uncomfortable silence, I responded to what Ben had said, "Ben, you need to understand that I really believe we made a mistake, what we did was wrong, and that we should stop this insanity now....".

"I will not let you make this into something ugly or wrong...." He interrupted.

"I think I understand that; or at least I accept that is how you feel. I disagree, but I accept that I am not going to change your mind. But you do need to understand that I really think we should stop." I paused to let that sink in. "But regardless of whether or not I can convince you to stop, we need to establish some boundaries and guidelines."

Ben smiled, relieved at the sign that I was considering some scenario where we would continue.

"What would those boundaries be?" he inquired.

"Well, first, you need to have other interests, pursue other girls your own age; if not while you are here, certainly when you return to college."

"OK, that seems fair. Are you going to date other men while I am staying here this summer?"

This brought a huge smile to my face. "No, I think I can give up my very active dating scene for the next three months while you are here. Ben, I have not been 'on a date' in nearly six months. I have not been 'with a man' in the sexual sense in nearly a year prior to me 'being with you' last night. My dating, and my sex life have been very boring, and very inactive." I chuckled as I answered.

"That's good, because, to be honest, I would not like to have other guys taking you out, and 'doing you' while I am here."

"Doing me?" I laughed.

"You know what I mean. I know that we are not going to be a monogamous couple for the rest of our lives, but for the time I am here, I want you to belong to me, and only me."

"You are cute, and that is very sweet. OK, while you are here, I will be your woman. You will be my man. It will be an interesting summer."

Ben then stood walked around the table and pulled me to a standing position and guided me to the living room couch. It was clear that this discussion was over for the time being.

We kissed deeply, each of our tongues exploring the other's mouth. Ben began unbuttoning my blouse, removing it and then my bra; leaving my smallish, but perky tits exposed to the air-conditioned air. My nipples stood up proudly on display. I started unbuttoning Ben's shirt and removing it. I was still in awe of the taught, well defined chest, shoulders and arms that this teenager had. I thought for a moment that if I had known someone like this when I was in college, I likely would have gotten knocked up before my 18th birthday.

Then a thought re-entered my mind. I wanted to test whether or not the prospect of impregnating me aroused or whether it scared Ben. Was the risk of getting his mother pregnant part of the excitement and allure of the torrid affair that he had introduced, actually imposed on the two of us? I did not know what I would do with the knowledge, but on a very core level, I did want to know.

As Ben unzipped my skirt and removed it, I fumbled with his belt and zipper of his slacks. It was a bit embarrassing, my son was far more nimble and adroit at undressing me than I was at undressing him. I guess he had far more practice in college than I had recently.

Soon, we were now both naked groping each other on the couch. To me, there was something sexy about being naked outside of the bedroom; I can't quite explain it, but it added to my excitement. Ben's erection was large, rigid and standing straight up on its own. God, he was sexy, no question about it.

Ben stood up, pulling me standing as well. As he did the previous night, in order to kiss me more comfortably with out bending over so far, Ben simply hoisted up my tiny frame, grabbing my both my legs and pulling me so I was straddling his well conditioned torso; my arms wrapped tightly around his neck as we kissed.

I liked the way he was able to lift my light frame at his will. No one had ever handled me this way, with such ease. I found it very sexy.

I felt the head of his erection bouncing against my legs and buttocks as we necked like teenagers. I guess that should not be too surprising since one of us was a teenager: and my son made me feel like a horny young girl who was falling in love. I adored this feeling. I adored my son.

Then I felt his cock head start to search more urgently for my opening, or any opening! It would pulse up, and nudge my bottom, searching. Just as had he had the previous night, once the head of his penis found the wet opening to my well lubricated and dilated vulva, Ben arched his hips forward trying to gain entrance. Since he did not know that I had already inserted my diaphragm, I decided to tease, and test, him a bit.

With the head just at the opening, or inside maybe an inch, I broke off our kiss and said, "whoa baby, you can't go inside me quite yet." He looked at me puzzled, as if to say 'why not?'

"Baby, I need to get my diaphragm in place." But rather than pull away, I held myself steady, my arms propping me up on his shoulders, and I contracted my vagina to give the large bulbous head of his cock a loving squeeze.

The moan that escaped Ben's lips and the sudden pulse of his entire penis let me know he felt my contraction, and he liked it. He liked it a lot. I told him, "Baby, you feel so good. You stretch me wider than anyone ever has. But you can't go inside quite yet."

I adjusted my weight on his shoulders slightly causing me to slide down on his rigid pole just a bit. "Oh, baby, you need to lift me off your tool. I will get my go diaphragm in place. I will do it quickly. I will let you fuck your mommy then."

I realized that reminding him that I was his mommy excited him. Every time I made mention of me being his 'mommy', his penis would throb or pulse. I decided that since I was letting my son enter me, reminding of the taboo nature of our coupling caused no additional harm. If it excited him, I would do it.

I contracted my vagina once again; and his penis throbbed again in response. "But, Ben, you can't fuck me unprotected and bareback. You just can't. No matter how good it feels." And I squeezed his head with my vagina one more time.

I admit, I was enjoying teasing my boy like this. I was watching the facial expressions and he was completely lost in his lust for me at that moment. Since the first night when he caught me spying on him in a voyeuristic moment of weakness, I have felt like he had all the control. For these last few moments, I felt I had regained some control. And most importantly, I knew something he did not, my diaphragm was in place; I had started taking the pill; a protective barrier was there to keep him from impregnating me. But Ben thought the risk of pregnancy at that moment was very, very real. What would he do, I wondered?

I adjusted my weight again, pushing on his shoulders and pushing my legs down against his strong hands that we holding me in place with his cockhead just inside my vulva. I lifted up, barely allowing his penis to exit my vagina, but, after hovering over him for only a second, immediately lowered myself a bit so that 1 to 2 inches of his massive pole returned into me.

As I contracted my vagina again, I repeated my request, "Baby, please lift me off of you so I can put in my diaphragm. Please don't fuck me bareback. I am in the fertile part of my cycle. If you cum in me, I could get pregnant. And neither of us wants to have your baby growing in my belly."

I contracted again as I teased him; trying to determine if he would lift me off the rigid tool that was just starting to pierce my vagina, or would he take me there, spill his seed and try to impregnate me. "But you do feel good, baby. You do feel very good."

I leaned forward and kissed him deeply, probing my tongue into his mouth. I was hot. I was more aroused than I could ever remember. And my passion was clearly present as I sucked his tongue into my mouth in this deep soul searching kiss, the head of his hard cock throbbing anxiously inside me a couple of inches. This was very sexy and I was very aroused. I knew I was going to cum tonight, it was building already.

Ben broke off the kiss and leaned me backwards, separating the distance between our shoulders while holding my hip to keep his penis just inside me. It appeared he had made a decision as to whether to set me free to install my diaphragm or not. As he leaned me backwards, my body formed an angle with his torso. He was holding me back almost horizontal now, the head of his penis inside me several of inches. In this position, the rigid head was pressing up firmly into the front wall of my opening, pressing on my very sensitive g-spot. Yes, I was going to have an orgasm tonight, and I would not hold out long. Ben's cock was so rigid that it felt like his dick could support my entire 105 lb frame if he released me from his grip.

He moved his hands from under my legs to my hips where he pulled me, suddenly and violently, towards him, fully impaling me on his erection. The suddenness of his large penis piercing my vagina was unexpected and, surprisingly painful, and extremely stimulating. I was not ready to accommodate his full length and girth. The sudden shock of pain and pleasure as he impaled me evoked a scream-like sound from deep in my core. It was a sound I had never before heard, and certainly never before made. (I do not even know how to imitate the guttural sounds I made at that moment.) Of course, the sudden penetration was nothing I had ever experienced or felt before either. And the shot of pain subsided quickly and rapidly became waves of pleasure as my uterus was forced open to accommodate my son's erection.

Almost instantly, this massive penetration triggered my orgasm. My hands were now clasped, fingers interlocked behind Ben's neck as I held on for dear life, Ben's hands on my hips pulling me into him violently to meet the rapid thrust of his hip as he pulled in and out of me. His thrusts slapped up against my ass and thighs, bouncing me up and his strong hands were catching me and positioning me for his next thrust.

Being a relatively petite (and short) woman, I had never been able to make love standing up. My partner was always too tall. And no one had been able to lift and move me with such ease to fuck me in the manner and position that my muscular son was at this moment. And the rigidity of my penis, and the 'angle of attack' rubbed the front wall of my uterus with such force that it initiated a very powerful orgasm that had me responding uncontrollably to the rapid and violent pounding my stretched little pussy was being subjected to. I was being bounced up with each thrust only to be driven back down to meet the next one.

"Oh my god, Ben! Oh I am cumming. Oh shit! ....Oh baby, stop for a second...I can't take it...oh my god....", I begged for him to stop for a moment for me to catch my breath and gather my senses. But my boy did not stop. Far from it.