Love Potions Don't Exist

Preston was sitting in his living room watching television on a Saturday afternoon when his front door suddenly burst open.

"I've got a plan," his friend Renardo said as he bee-lined for the chair that was beside the couch that Preston was sitting on.

"That genuinely sounds terrifying coming from you," Preston replied. "By the way, is your hand hurting you or something?"

"No," Renardo said, furrowing his eyebrows and looking confused. "Why?"

"Just wondering why you didn't knock, is all."

"Oh please, your family loves me just as much as they love you. Why would I knock?"

"I'm not so sure that's true for London," Preston replied.

"Well your sister's a bitch, I obviously didn't mean her."

"Hey now," Preston said, giving Renardo a look of warning.

"Sorry," Renardo replied, putting his hands up in a mock surrender. "Kind of a bitch," he amended.

"That's better," Preston said with a nod. "Now what the hell is this plan of yours?"

"Okay, so you know the Valentine's Day dance that's coming up?"

"You mean the one that neither of us have dates to and are pretending is super lame anyway but if we actually had someone to take we'd absolutely go?"

"Yep!" Renardo replied.

"What about it?" Preston asked.

"Well, I'm going to get a date to it!" Renardo exclaimed happily.

"Bullshit," Preston replied, feeling slightly annoyed at the idea of his best friend having a date, but not him. "And what do you mean you're 'going to get' a date?"

"This is the part where I circle back to my original sentence of 'I've got a plan'," Renardo said.

"I see. Well, let's hear it then."

"Love potion," Renardo said simply, crossing his arms and sitting back in the chair with a satisfied look.

"Love potion?" Preston asked.

"Love potion," Renardo repeated with a nod.

Preston just sat and stared at his friend in silence for a while. "Now this is the part where you elaborate, dipshit," Preston prompted him after a long silence.

"Okay, so I was online looking for ideas on how to trick a girl into liking you, and I saw where someone had joked about making a love potion and slipping it in someone's drink or something."

"So far, this sounds like you're going to try and date rape someone," Preston interjected.

"No, of course not!" Renardo replied. "Let me finish."

"Right, sorry. So what, did you do a search for love potion recipes or something?"

"'Love potion recipes near me'," Renardo corrected. He grinned at Preston as if he thought the "near me" part made him very clever.

"Oh wow," Preston said with an obvious roll of his eyes.

"So anyway," Renardo continued, "I came across a guy named Mervin who lives just downtown that was advertising an authentic, one-of-a-kind love potion recipe that really works."

"Oh, it really works, huh?" Preston replied skeptically. "Well, if you read it on the internet, then it must 'really work'. You're not considering actually going downtown to see this guy, are you?"

Renardo reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a slip of paper. "Just did," he said with a smile.

"Are you serious!?" Preston replied. "You went to a sketchy neighborhood by yourself and knocked on some dude named Mervin's door?"

"Yep!" Renardo said proudly. "And I'm glad I did, too. I think this recipe is really going to work."

"Oh yeah, I'm sure it will," Preston said, once again rolling his eyes.

"I figured you'd be skeptical," Renardo said, returning the paper to his pocket, "but there are many reasons why you shouldn't be."

"Enlighten me," Preston said dryly.

"First of all," Renardo began, "he put his actual home address on the website. He didn't ask for any credit card information, didn't say anything about 'send me the money first and then I'll send you the product later'. This guy actually put his address online and advertised that anyone could come and see him to pick it up from him in person. You don't do that if you're trying to con someone, you know what I mean? That proved to me he was willing to stand by his product. That was the first sign that this was real. I'm just lucky he's local, you know?"

Preston was at a loss for words. "Yeah, real lucky," he muttered, shaking his head back and forth in disbelief.

"Secondly, he posted a picture of himself on his website." Renardo took a moment to pull the website up on his phone. When it was ready, he handed the phone over to Preston. "You see?" Renardo said as Preston looked at the website. "See the long beard and wizard's cloak? Tell me that guy doesn't look like a real wizard!"

"Super awesome wizard shit for sale," Preston read aloud from the top of the website. He scrolled down to see a large picture of Mervin on the main page. "He looks like a homeless guy who found a shitty old trench coat in the dumpster at the back of the alley that he lives in," Preston replied.

Renardo snatched his phone back. "If he were homeless, how could he have had a computer and made a website for himself?" Renardo asked condescendingly. Preston just shook his head. "See, not as smart as you think you are," he continued. "Anyway, the final reason I KNOW that this guy was for real was his name."

"What about it?" Preston asked with a slight hesitation.

"Mervin?" Renardo said knowingly. "Don't you see?"

"Nope," Preston replied bluntly.

Renardo clicked his tongue in annoyance. "What do you get if you take the 'v' out and replace it with an 'l'?" Preston stared at his friend with a look of pity as Renardo smiled idiotically and nodded his head with fervor. "That's right!" he continued. "You get Merlin! You know, like Merlin the wizard?"

Preston took a while to respond. "Oh, I get it now," he said robotically. "How amazing."

"Right!?" Renardo replied happily. "Wait a sec," he said, pausing to look up at Preston with a serious expression. "Were you being sarcastic?"

"Noooo," Preston said with an obvious note of sarcasm. Renardo narrowed his eyes at Preston and then shrugged. "So you're going to actually make this 'love potion', then?" Preston continued. "And then give it to...who exactly?"

"Chelsea Waters," Renardo replied. "And it's not exactly a 'potion', really. It's a recipe for chocolate truffles. The ingredients combine to have the effect of a love potion."

Preston sighed. "You have got to be one of...no, THE least intellgent person that has ever existed in the history of mankind," Preston said simply. "And that includes the cavemen, just for the record."

"Whatever," Renardo said. "I know I'm right. That dude was a legit wizard. Trust me, if you had met him, you'd agree with me. He had this crazy aura around him. And that love potion recipe he gave me was legit too. And when I get Chelsea Waters to eat one of the truffles, she's gonna be mine for the Valentine's Day dance and beyond, and you're gonna regret ever doubting me. But don't worry, later that night when she's riding my cock, I'll take a video of it and let you watch. If you beg me, that is."

"Let me tell you what's going to happen," Preston began, squaring up to face his friend. "You're going to approach Chelsea Waters and offer her a truffle. She is going to laugh in your face. Then, her snobby friends are going to laugh in your face. After that, her jerk-off boyfriend and his jerk-off friends are going to come over and pound you into the ground, and then laugh in your face. What's left of your face, that is. And finally, when it's all said and done, I'm going to pick you up, help you clean the dirt and blood off of yourself because I'm a good friend...and then I'm going to laugh in your face. Are you detecting a pattern here?"

"I've got a plan for that part too," Renardo said as he stood up. "But I'll share that with you later. For now, I think I'll go home and get started. I've read through the recipe, and it's pretty complicated."

"What's pretty complicated?" London asked as she entered the living room.

"Trust me, you don't wanna know," Preston replied.

London sat down beside Preston and looked over to where Renardo was standing in front of his chair. "Aw, you leaving so soon, Booger Lips?" she asked with a smirk.

Renardo's face turned red with anger as he opened his mouth to reply. "I - you...," he stammered.

"Yes, Booger Lips?" London asked sweetly.

Renardo looked furious. "It was ten years ago!" he exclaimed angrily. "Why do you keep calling me that? And one time...it was just one time, Preston!" he pouted, looking pleadingly to his friend for support.

"Sorry buddy, but I'm with my sister on this one," Preston said.

"Oh come on!" Renardo began. "Don't do that twin thing where you automatically take her side."

"That's not it," Preston explained. "While I do agree that it was a long time ago, it's very important that we always remember our past transgressions so that history doesn't repeat itself. You wouldn't want to have another booger-on-the-lips situation, now would you?"

Renardo made a noise of annoyance. "Well...no!" he admitted after a few seconds.

"And you probably won't as long as London constantly reminds you of that embarrassing moment. You should be thanking her, really."

Renardo shook his head and headed for the front door. "Yeah, thanks a lot, London," he said angrily as he exited the house.

"You're welcome, Booger Lips!" London called out to him.

Preston chuckled. "Why are you so mean to him all the time?" he asked.

London just shrugged. "S'funny," she said simply.

"I see."

"So what were you girls talking about?" London asked as she grabbed the television remote and started changing channels.

Preston smiled discreetly to himself as an idea popped into his head, one that he had thought of fairly recently but just hadn't had the chance to play out yet. "Oh, just stupid guy stuff," he replied as he fished his phone out of his pocket.

"Well I figured that," she said. "But what exactly?"

Preston readied himself. "Well, Renardo had presented me with this scenario about a 'who'd you rather fuck' kinda thing."

"I see," London said, cutting her eyes over at Preston. "You have my attention. Who were the candidates, might I ask?"

"Alright, but this is a weird one," he said. "If you had to choose, who would you rather fuck: Mrs. Benowitz, or Kermit the Frog?"

"Ew!" London exclaimed with a laugh.

"'Ew' which one?" Preston asked.

"Both of them! You mean Mrs. Benowitz the bearded school custodian, right?"

"The one and only," Preston confirmed.

"That's really gross, dude," she said. "So who'd you pick?"

"Nuh-uh, you tell me yours first," Preston said.

"No way!"

"Oh come on, just play along, will you?" Preston begged. "I'll tell you mine once you tell me yours, I promise. I just don't want my answer to influence what you say in any way. Please?"

London smiled. "Alright, fine," she said with a shrug. Preston readied himself. "This is an easy one anyway. Seeing as he isn't even real...if it came down to it, I'd probably fuck Kermit the Frog."

Preston smiled brightly in triumph. "How would you do it?"

"I dunno," London replied. "Probably sit on his face or something."

Preston hit the "end audio recording" button on his phone and laughed hysterically.

"What..." London began, stopping once she saw that Preston was holding his phone. "Preston!" she shouted angrily. "Again!? Are you serious right now!?"

Preston hit the "play audio" button on his phone. "If it came down to it, I'd probably fuck Kermit the Frog," London's voice said from Preston's phone. "Probably sit on his face or something."

"That's like the fourth time I've gotten you this month!" Preston cried happily.

"You're such a child," London replied, crossing her arms and facing the television again. "And what do you mean fourth time? I don't recall four."

Preston opened an audio folder in his phone that he had named "Naughty Things London Says" and played the first file that he had saved.

"Oh god, it's so warm and wet!" London's voice said. "Feels soooo good on my face."

"I was talking about a new facial cream that I had just gotten!" London exclaimed in a high pitched voice.

"I know!" Preston replied with a hearty laugh. "But out of context, isn't it funny!?"

"Hilarious," London said dryly.

Preston hit play on the second one. "It was so big I could barely even fit it in my mouth," her voice said once more.

"When the hell did I say that!?" she asked.

"At that restaurant a couple of weeks ago. You know, when you got that ginormous burger?"

"Oh yeah," London replied, thinking back. She snapped her attention back to her brother and glared at him. "What are you, like ready and waiting at all times for me to say something that sounds even remotely sexual?"

"It's like a gift or something," Preston replied. "I can just sense when these things are about to happen, and then I simply capture the moment."

"It's kind of perverted of you, you know?" London said. "I am your sister, after all."

Preston thought for a moment and shrugged. "I'm okay with it." London got up to leave the room. "Wait, don't you wanna hear the last one?"

She turned back to face him. "Sure," she said with a fake smile. "Let's hear what other awesome things I've said."

"Okay," he began, "but just know that I feel really bad about this one." He hit play on the audio.

"Jesus Christ, my cooch is on fire!" her voice rang out from his phone.

"Ugh!" London shouted immediately, turning bright red and putting her hands up to her face in embarrassment. "You heard that!?"

"Yeah, but like I said, I feel horrible about it," Preston replied as he returned his phone to his pocket.

"How-how did you even..." London began, trailing off.

"I saw you grab your leg waxing stuff the other day and go into the bathroom," Preston explained. "I figured I had a good chance of recording some more juicy one-liners from you if I just lingered outside the door, and boy was I right!"

"You jerk!"

"So I guess you waxed a little more than just your legs that day, huh?"

"I hate you!" London shouted as she stormed out of the room.

"I love you, sis!" Preston called back to her. He really did feel bad about that last one. He laid down on the couch and turned his attention to the television, thinking that he ought to go apologize and delete the audio in front of her. Before he knew it, however, his eyes were shut and he was fast asleep.

***

The next evening, Preston once again found himself simply lounging around on the couch and zoning out to a random T.V. show when the front door burst open.

"I finished them!" Renardo said as he once again plopped himself down in the chair next to the couch. He leaned forward and dropped a pink, heart-shaped box on the coffee table right in front of where Preston sat.

"Nice box," Preston said dryly. "So it only took you more than twenty four hours to make a small handful of chocolate candies, huh?"

"There were several steps in the recipe that called for the ingredients to 'marry' for a couple of hours," Renardo said. "Also, some of the ingredients were tough to get my hands on."

"I see," Preston replied. "Where'd you get the box?"

"At the grocery store. Bought a regular box of candies and threw them out. Put mine in there instead. Gives it a more legitimate look, you know? I figure there's less of a chance that Chelsea will actually eat one if she thinks I made them myself."

"Yeah, that's true," Preston agreed. "If she thought you made them yourself, she might unfairly suspect that you did something nefarious to them."

"Exactly!" Renardo agreed.

Preston leaned forward and lifted the heart-shaped top off the box. As he did, he noticed that a message had been written on the underside of the lid. "Love truffles for my #1 gal," he read aloud. "My goodness, you are quite the charmer, my friend," he said to Renardo. Renardo winked and sat back in the chair with a satisfied grin.

"So what do you think of them?" Renardo asked.

"I'm not gonna lie to you," Preston began as he looked down at the chocolate truffles lining the inside of the box. "They look...surprisingly normal."

"I know!" Renardo agreed. "Maybe when this is all done I can look into a career of being a chef or something."

"Yeah, after your prison sentence is over for attempting to drug an innocent young girl," Preston replied. "Which, by the way, how do you plan on force-feeding her one of these things?"

"Okay, here's my plan," Renardo began. "Tomorrow, right before school let's out, I'm gonna ask to go to the bathroom. I'm not going to come back though. Instead, I'm going to sneak out of the school, hop in my car, and drive over to Chelsea's house. I'm going to slip the chocolates into her mailbox. Then, when she gets home a short while later, she'll check her mail, read my little message on the candy box, and then indulge in one or two of them."

"How can you guarantee that she's going to even check their mailbox when she gets home?" Preston asked.

"She's done it everyday for the past two weeks, that's how I know!" Renardo replied excitedly.

"How could you possibly know that?" Preston asked.

"Oh yeah, well I've been following her home and observing her patterns and whatnot ever since I thought up this plan," Renardo explained. "She's a creature of habit for sure."

Preston stared at his friend in disbelief. "We need to get you some serious help, dude," he said. Renardo just shrugged. "Anyway," Preston continued, "let's say she does eat one. Then what? You just walk up to her from the bush that you're lurking behind and say 'hey baby, let's fuck'?"

"Don't be so crass, Preston," Renardo said. "That's my future girlfriend you're talking about."

"Forgive me," Preston replied.

"And I have to wait a full twelve hours for them to take affect," Renardo continued. "Then, after twelve hours, she'll fall madly in love with the first person she sees."

"Twelve hours?" Preston repeated for clarification.

"Yep," Renardo confirmed.

"What time does she get home?" he asked. "You know, since you've been stalking her and all?"

"About 3:30 in the afternoon," Renardo said.

"So how are you going to be the first person she sees twelve hours later? It'll be the dead of night at that point."

"I'll be waiting outside her window, of course," Renardo explained as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Then I simply tap on the glass at the right time, she sees me, and then lets me in for a nighttime romp in the sack."

"Let me guess. You know exactly which window is hers, right?"

"Yep!" Renardo exclaimed proudly. "Scoped it out days ago. I've thought of everything. What could possibly go wrong?"

"I can see the headline now," Preston began. "'Local high school senior shot and killed in the dead of night by father of girl that was way out of his league to begin with'."

"Jealous," Renardo said simply as he stared off into space, clearly lost in some sort of sexual fantasy involving himself and Chelsea Waters. "Hey," Renardo said after some time had passed, "got any root beer?"

"Fridge," Preston said simply as he pointed to the kitchen. "Can you get me one too?"

"Get up and get it yourself," Renardo replied as he walked into the kitchen and out of sight.

Instead of reminding him that they were his to begin with and Renardo should bring him one as a price for drinking one of them, Preston decided not to argue about it and got up and headed to the kitchen. "So you still got the recipe on you?" Preston asked as he took a soda from the refrigerator.

"Uh, yeah I think so," Renardo said as he felt around in his jacket pocket.

"Lemme see it," Preston said. Renardo handed it over to him. Preston looked at the crumpled piece of paper. "This is a Burger King receipt, dude," he said.

"Recipe's on the back, dummy," Renardo replied as he took a sip of his drink.

"Oh, my bad," Preston said mockingly as he turned over the receipt. "I should've known that 'Mervin the Grey' would've written his authentic, one of a kind love potion recipe on the back of a Burger King receipt. You know, just like the wizards of yesteryear used to do." Preston took some time to let his eyes scan the words that Mervin had written down. "Chocolate bars, cocoa powder, sugar, milk...oyster juice?"