My parents had changed. I really felt like I had battered down the doors and they were never rebuilt for my little brother. While I had rules and regulations, my brother had negligence and solitude. Now, I'm not saying that either is better or worse than the other, I'm just saying it is what it is.
Yup. I broke down the doors.
I had the screaming fights for my independence. I fought the peasant rebellion against our parental lords. I wore them down until we met some form of neutral, war-worn status quo, and when I could, I left; to start my own life.
My life?
Worked. Paid for college. Did well. Got a job. Lived alone.
I got through the hard times and the late nights. I inspired myself and carried my own weight, and never once stepped out of line. I couldn't afford to.
So there I was, moderately happy, fully independent, well-educated and mature. I dressed well, kept myself healthy and fit, read books and voted, kept a circle of companions and even went on a date or two.
But I was missing something. I had a hole inside me. Terribly clichΓ©.
My brother had it different. By the time I had left, our parents were aloof and placated. Dad was into miniature trains. Mom was into marijuana. Neither of them were 'there' anymore.
So one day I get a call. My brother was going to go to college in my town. If my parents had asked me to host him, I'd have said no. But it wasn't. On the other line, my brother was sheepishly asking me if he could stay, "just until I find my own place."
I took a road-trip back to our old home to pick him up. My parents and I had barely spoken since I'd left, but we didn't have anything to say. My brother had his things and soon we were on our way.
Even though I felt like he had it easier than I did, I didn't blame him. It wasn't his fault. Just like my own life hadn't been mine.
As we drove I realized just how alienated from my family I had become. We talked, but I felt bad that my little brother had been alone for the most part, even if he hadn't had to fight our parents like I had. I didn't know him very well at this point. Now he was an adult, off to college, and I felt like I had missed out on being his big sister.
But I learned.
And I learned quickly.
I learned how shy he was, how weak-willed he was, how quiet and nervous he was; I saw it with every mannerism and every thing he said, more-over, the things I had to pry out of his mouth in conversation.
And I felt bad for him. Pity. Through my struggled upbringing I had picked up confidence, but through none of his own he had picked up the opposite.
We got home. I showed him to his new little room. We got pizza and then I left him be, and I prepped myself for bed and looked into the mirror.
I know what I wanted.
I had something to fill the hole in my life.
I wanted to be a good big sister. I wanted to be there for my little brother now.