It was exactly eleven months after her husband left that Maria accepted she had fallen in love with her son. It had been a long process that started with vague feelings that slowly coalesced into something more tangible. After that, she spent a few months trying to deny it outright, then sought to explain it. Only now, as she was masturbating next to his sleeping almost-naked form, did she give up trying to reason it away.
...
The past year had been arduous. Maria knew her marriage with Bill was over long before he pulled shut the door behind him one last time, but the moment it happened still came as a shock. The cracks had always been there, she reasoned, ever since Alex was born.
Her husband didn't take well to the competition for his attention and he hated how she coddled her son. Even as Alex grew up to be a popular kid at his school and went on to play for the high school football team, Bill never seemed to care much for their child.
She had moved with Bill to his home town right after their marriage as he wanted to be close to his family. Even though she always felt like she was accepted by them, the moment Bill ended things with her, they did too. All of a sudden, her and Alex were alone. She could deal with the family abandoning her but the fact they so easily tossed aside Alex, their grandson, nephew and cousin, continued to enrage her.
Alex had been living at the dorms of college one state over at the time, but he transferred to their college and moved back in without her even bringing it up. They lived close enough for him to be able to undertake the daily commute, aided by some online learning courses. Although it had saddened Maria greatly that her personal affairs with his father had uprooted his life, she couldn't help but be grateful he moved back in with her.
Her social circle had shrunk down to him and the occasional chat with a neighbour or a parent she knew from Alex' old school. It felt only natural that they grew closer over time, even more so than they had been when he was younger. He started occasionally sleeping next to her in her bed, something he hadn't done since he was six. They would have weekly movie nights, with popcorn and the both of them sharing a duvet. Sometimes, she would even help him get ready for bed after an especially long day at college.
None of it had felt special, even though she looked forward to those moments more than anything. It had taken her a while to realize that the normal feelings of love she felt for him had started to be replaced with butterflies in her stomach. They had been subtle at first, just a short tinge up her stomach when she heard him walk in the front door or smelling his scent when she was doing the laundry. But that didn't take long, and it was soon after she felt all the telltale signs of a crush.
Whenever he looked at her, her heart would pound hard and heavy in her chest. His touch would send shivers up her spine. The slightest hint of his smell would make her dizzy. A moment that played through her mind relentlessly for months was the time she walked in on him showering. It had only been a flash as he pulled the shower curtain closed and she didn't even see anything inappropriate.
Nonetheless, the sight of his naked form in profile from his strong calves to his muscular shoulders shining and wet had imprinted itself on her. She had actively avoided him the rest of the day to hide the blush that covered her face until she went to bed.
Once the awkward realization had settled in, she tried to deny it. They weren't butterflies, she told herself. Whatever she was feeling, it wasn't a crush. She wasn't in love with her son. She didn't desire him in a way no mother should desire her own child. It would be the sign of a deviant, a monster to covet the sexual touch of her boy, for him to lay on her heavy and warm, to push her legs apart and drive himself into her.
It had been the first time she masturbated at the thought, but even as she did she denied it. She supplanted her thoughts of him with other men. Famous actors, colleagues, Bill. Even as she lay in her bed in the middle of the night, her bed covers kicked to the side, her panties pulled down to her ankles, with her legs spread and her hand between her thighs, she pretended she wasn't thinking of Alex. Even as the electric orgasm shattered through her, her hand that she so wished was his tongue pressed tightly against her pussy, she willed herself to think of someone, anyone, else.
Thinking of it in hindsight, she supposed it had worked for a while. Stubborn, complete denial helped her push down her feelings. It stopped her wandering eyes, prevented her from lingering with her touch, allowed her to interact with him in a way that approached normalcy.
She would congratulate herself mentally whenever she didn't feel the need to crawl into bed with one of his shirts to play with herself. She thought she was over her crush when she stopped scrolling through his social media feed looking for pictures of him at the swimming pool. For a time, she was really good at pretending.
It didn't last. Alex had always been a sensitive boy, especially with his mother. He sensed when she was hurt or tired or sad, even without her saying anything. Where others would look her in her eyes and swear she was fine, Alex would instantly know something was wrong. That's how he picked up on her change in behaviour, although he didn't know why she behaved differently. To him, she acted like she always had but there was a distance now.
When he hugged her, she pulled away a few seconds sooner. If he slept in her bed, she would only get in after he had fallen asleep. During the summer, she wouldn't join him to swim in their pool. But she still smiled when she saw him, still left a note for him when he had to leave for college before she woke up. In his confusion, he reasoned she was taking her divorce badly, that she was pulling back because she was hurt. To show her he would always be here for her, Alex sought to be even closer.
...
Maria had spent the day at work, then came home to take care of the usual householding tasks. After putting on the laundry she cleaned the bathroom, then spent some time sorting her bookshelf. It had taken her until recently to start throwing away Bill's stuff. She felt rather liberated tossing his stupid war books and stamp collections into the trash.
Alex walked in at a little past 7 p.m., right when she finished cooking dinner. He tossed his bag down at the bottom of the stairs and walked up to her.
"Welcome home hun, " Maria said without looking in his direction. She felt the familiar flush of blood run up to her face but she knew it would fade in a few seconds. "How was your day?"
The young man sighed as he came closer, lightly touched her side as he leaned over and pecked her on the cheek. Maria smiled as she leaned into the kiss just a little bit, allowing her to enjoy the feeling of his lips on her skin a tiny bit longer.
He turned away and ran his hand through his dirt blonde hair. "It was okay I guess, long day. Actually left school at three but there was an accident or something so I sat in traffic for two hours."
He grunted and Maria felt her nipples harden at the sound.
Shocked, she turned her head to look at him. He was facing away from her, with one hand on his lower back and the other in his neck. He arched his back and groaned, louder now. This time, Maria managed to suppress whatever her body was thinking of when he made that sound.
"My back is killing me," he said with a heavy tired voice as he relaxed his posture and moved to sit down at the dinner table.
Maria focused back on the food in front of her, scooping it out of the pan and putting it on two plates.
"You should take a hot bath after dinner, maybe that'll help," she said as she grabbed the plates and walked over to the dinner table. She put one down in front of him and then sat down on her own chair.
Even though originally he would always sit on the opposite side of the table during dinner time, after Bill left he had moved to sit next to her, on his father's old spot. Lately, she had let the thought cross her mind that Alex had started to replace Bill in more ways than one.
Alex nodded at her suggestion as he started eating. Maria looked at him for a moment, observing the familiar shape of his face, the strong features, the blue eyes that were now focused on his plate. Her gaze flashed downward, observing how his muscular torso was barely constrained by his shirt. She had told him to get bigger shirts a hundred times but he always shrugged and carried on wearing them anyway. She suspected he liked how big it made him look.
