Mom Has Her Ups and Downs

We hadn't fought in ten days, but she probably didn't realize it. When you see someone everyday, it takes a while to see them change. I knew that my attitude was different, so I was surprised when I reverted to my old ways.

I said, "Deena is picking me up, so I'll be late, if I come home." I'd been spending quite a few nights at Deena's, who had just gotten a divorce.

My mother took the bait as she often did and muttered, "I don't know what you see in her, a twenty-five year old that goes out with boys."

My old self heard, 'Why don't you go out with a decent girl instead of that slut.' And so in a knee-jerk reaction I said, "What is it with you Lorraine?" I exaggerated her name because she didn't like me to use it. "Do you want me to be like you, going nowhere, doing nothing, never getting laid?"

She was infuriated and she raised her hand. In my whole life my mother had never hit me, but I moved my face closer to her hand, daring her. She didn't do it. I had said it because I knew that she had lately moved into a separate room from Phillip, my step-father, and my old self knew that it would needle her.

She said, "What do want from me, you're driving me crazy. Why do you hate me? Tell me...tell me... I can't stand it anymore; you're always so mean to me and all I do is love you and try to do everything I can, so tell me what you want me to do, so we don't have to do all this fighting and..." I could see her anger turn to sadness as her eyes filled.

My 'new' self was immediately sorry and couldn't believe that I had got sucked in to say that. I touched her arm and said, "Don't cry Lorraine...mom. It's not your fault, it's mine." The strange words coming from my mouth stopped her and she just looked at me. I hesitated before deciding to confide in her, and then I said, "I've thought a lot about this and I think I know what it's all about. And I know what I want from you...and maybe you do too."

Her look was questioning and wary when she said, "...what?" I touched her face and she didn't know what to do or say, and then I stroked down her neck until I reach her breast and gently fondled it. She didn't yell or get crazy and that was surprising. She slowly moved my hand off and said, "Oh God, no, John...you can't want that from me...tell me that's not it."

I said, "I can't mom. It is what I want. I want you, and I know it now. It's all these mixed up feelings that's been making me so miserable to you. Mom I don't hate you...I love you. It may not be the way a son is supposed to love his mother, but I love you."

I don't think I ever saw her eyes so wide. There it was, out in the open. After years of showing her contempt, I told my mother that I loved her, and wanted to have sex with her. That's a big gap. You know how on TV how actors exaggerate and show surprise by standing there with their mouth open, well that's how mom was looking at me, and she wasn't acting. After the moment of stunned silence passed she said, "My God John, what...I never imagined anything like this...you think I knew...?" She searched my eyes and said, "John, I didn't...how could I?"

I thought for a minute and said, "Yeah, you're probably right. I just figured that since I felt it, you must have picked up on it. I'm probably still putting my own feelings on you." Since I'd already opened the door to the taboo subject, I walked through and said, "It's so strange mom, I can't believe that I'm almost twenty and I didn't realize it myself until lately, but I guess you always turned me on, even if I didn't admit it. I never let myself feel it, but I always thought that you were sexy." Looking at the expression of confusion on my mother's face I said, "Oh fuck...I'm sorry mom. I'm sorry for giving you grief all this time, I'm sorry I said any of this to you...you probably think I'm sick...forget it."

She said, "No, baby...maybe you're just confused, maybe you should see somebody."

I said, "You know something, that's the weirdest part of this, I don't feel as there's anything wrong with me, and I'm not sorry I feel this way. Since I realized all this, I actually feel good, I feel good loving you, and I feel good wanting you. The part that doesn't feel good is that you'll never love me."

She said, "I'll always love you John, but not...I don't know how you could...maybe I did something without realizing it, maybe I led you to think that..."

I stopped her and said, "No mom, you didn't do anything; none of this is your fault...I did this all on my own." There was quiet for a moment and I said, "You know, I think the best thing for me to do is leave; I'm going to get a room on campus. I guess Alex can give me some more hours printing..."

She said, "No you're working enough; you won't have time to study. No baby, we can work this out..."

I said, "How?"

She said, "I don't know...I have no idea right now, but I know I don't want you to leave."

I thought about it and said, "Okay, I just won't say anything about this anymore."

Mom said, "No, that's not going to solve anything. Look, I was taken aback when you told me, but I'm not a prude, we can talk about it, I just need to get used to...how you feel." She let out a breath and raised her eyebrows and said, "It's not every day that a mother hears that from her son."

I smiled back at her and said, "No, I guess not."

Well, we didn't talk about for a long while, and our relationship changed radically, for better, and for worse. The fighting was over, but the strain, and the quiet, and the looks, put a barrier between us. In a way, we were closer when we were yelling. Whenever our eyes met, I thought she was thinking about me wanting to screw her. And if that's what she thought, well, she was probably right. I did want to screw her, and more than that, make love to her.

What helped was talking about an idea I had for us to make some money on our own. Mom worked a low paying job and Phillip was as cheap as they come, spending most of his money on himself and his other women. He was doing the usual male menopause thing, younger and younger women. Mom was fed up enough to move out of his bedroom, but not enough to move out of his house, which by the way, I never missed an opportunity to encourage her to do.

For about three years I'd worked for a screen-printer named Alex and had learned enough to think I could do it on my own. Since mom was an art major and could draw really well, I suggested that we design some tee-shirts and see if we could sell them to stores, or on the Web. We talked about it endlessly, coming up with different ideas. We decided to illustrate the funny one-liners you see on bumper stickers and do some kids shirts too.

We gave it a shot since it wouldn't cost anything until we actually had to print. Working together brought us closer, and I was finding more reasons to touch her on the arm or leg or back, telling her what a great job she was doing. At first I could sense wariness, but after a while, my hands on her became routine and she began to respond in kind. It all felt affectionate and I don't think that at that time it was sexual for her as it was for me. I'd grab her thigh playfully, or tap her on her bottom. The first time, she gave me a look, but again, it became routine. I'd say, "Nice drawing Lo-rainee," but I'd think of how good her body felt.

We tossed around names for the business and mom jokingly said, "Your first initial is Jay, and a nickname for Lorraine is Lo, so how about Jay-Lo's?" We decided on "Totally Tees as the official name, but between us, we always called it 'Jay-Lo's.'

After a month, we came up with twenty designs for adults and five for kids and I went to Alex. Since tee-shirts weren't his business, he let me make samples. We took them to some local stores and sent some out. I can't tell you how excited we were when we actually got orders. And they were almost all for the same shirts. There was one for kids where mom had done with the alphabet all over the shirt, with animals under the letters. And the drawings were great that she did for the shirts that said, 'Your Village Called, They Want Their Idiot Back,' and 'Official Member of the Piss and Moan Club.'

We rented a small barn and set it up with some used machines that Alex sold us, and we had enough orders to keep us busy and make some money. I think that feeling of independence was what made mom finally decide that she'd had enough of Phillip. Within two months we moved out and rented a small house near the barn. I liked the feeling of living with my mother in 'our' house.

When I was younger I was into photography, so I took some pictures that we included in designs for some of the Tees. I'd always taken lots of pictures, so my mother was used to me with a camera. She always encouraged me and wanted me to take a course but I liked learning it on my own. I shot everything including her. Most of the shots weren't posed; she'd just do whatever she was doing and I'd click. So when I was shooting her one day and she went into her bedroom and I followed her with the camera, she wasn't surprised. She said what she usually said, "Oh John, I'm such a mess, do you have to do that now?"

And I said, what I always say, "Yes." Then I said, "Mom, would you do something for me?"

She said, "Of course."

I said, "Let me take some 'Cheesecake' of you."

She said, "Oh John come on, why would you want to do that?"

I said, "Because I'd like to have it." She looked at me. I added, "Just for myself, I'm not going to show it to anyone." She shook her head in an 'Oh alright' gesture. I said, "Sit on the edge of the bed and lift your skirt." She gave me that look again and lifted her dress to mid thigh and made a silly face. I laughed and took a few shots hoping the boner I was developing wasn't showing. I couldn't help thinking about what was farther up between those creamy thighs.

Mom's got a full body. She's not overweight, no matter how much she complains about it, but she curves where a woman is supposed to, and a little more in the tit department. When I asked her to lean back on her hands, she undid the two top buttons and sat back so that her tits protruded more provocatively than I expected. She said, "Is that what you want?"

I said, "Oh that's great,"

She smiled and shook her head as she sat up and said, "That's enough of that."

I said, "Come on mom, you said you weren't a prude."

She said, "I'm not."

I said, "So show me...do this for me mom...take off your dress and let me shoot you in your bra and panties." She said, "Are you kidding?"

I said, "Come on, you show more at the beach."

Hands on hips, she said, "Oh boy," in mock exasperation and then took off her dress. She sat back down and said quietly, "Okay?"

I said, "Okay," and clicked as fast as I could. Her bra and panties were black. The top half of the bra was lacy and there was enough tit showing to give me a full blown hard-on. The bottom half was solid so her nipples didn't show. Her panties were also opaque, so I couldn't see anything more than the shape of her mound.

After only a minute or two she got up and put her dress back on and said, "Done."

I said, "Thank you Lo-rrainee," and gave her a salute.

She raised her eyebrows at me with an enigmatic expression as she shook her head and said, "I don't know..."

That night we were sitting together watching TV and her bare thigh was close to me. I rested my hand against it and moved slowly against the soft skin. I did it for a minute and got stimulated enough to move my fingers under her shorts. Mom said softly, "John, please don't." I stopped.

The next morning at breakfast, we talked a little about getting an order out and then I said, "Mom, I decided that I am going to live on campus; I can get a deal to room with someone I know and it's not going to cost that much. I think that's best."

She said, "Are you moving in with a guy, or a girl?"

I laughed, "A guy, I've been spending so much time on the shirts, I haven't been out for a while."

Mom said, "What about Deena?"

I said, "That's done; it didn't really work out."

Mom said, "I'm sorry...and I'm not."

I laughed," At least you're honest."

She said, "I want you to be with someone...your own age, but I don't think she's for you."

I could have said a lot of things, especially about the 'Your own age' bit, but all I said was, "Yeah mom."

Then she sort of muttered, "First Phillip abandons me, and now..."

I said, "I'm not abandoning you; if anything..." I stopped going down that road and said,"It's not that far, and I'll come home on weekends to help with the printing; I'm only a phone call away."

She said, "I know, but it's so nice being with you; you've been so sweet and I'll miss you terribly."

I said, "I'll miss you too mom, but this is just too hard for me right now."

She knew what I was talking about and said, "Okay baby, I understand...it's hard for me too, knowing that I make you unhappy."

I said, "Mom, don't say that; it's not true. I told you before, I'm glad that I love you...I think I just need to be away for a while."

She kissed me and said, "Okay sweetheart."

Then I said, "Mom, would you do one thing for me before I go?"

She said, "What honey?"

I said, "Let me take one picture of you...nude?"

She took a deep breath and said, "Oh John...how can I be nude in front of you?"

I said, "Well, you just take off your clothes." She laughed, and I added, "And you know that it's someone who loves you that's taking the picture."

She took a deep breath and said, "Just one, and I don't want it on your computer or on your camera, one print and that's it, okay?"

I said, "Sure mom."

We went to the bedroom and as she took off her dress off she said, "Turn around." It seemed strange to me that she was about to be naked in front of me, but didn't want me to watch her take off her bra and panties. But, I turned around anyway. When she said 'Okay,' I turned to see her in a similar pose to the one I had taken earlier. She was on the edge of the bed with her hands behind her and completely nude.

I was awestruck. Her tits were amazing; full and heavy, sitting on her chest but with nipples still high enough to defy her thirty-nine years. The areola were large and perfectly round with tips that were erect. All that creamy skin in a curvaceous line from head to toe invited my eyes to caress it. Her long legs were together, so what was visible was the top patch of trimmed hair. I wanted to tell her to open her legs so that I could see her clit and the lips of her pussy, but I knew that would be pushing it too far. I was already seeing what I thought I never would. Her face was turned sideways and she wouldn't meet my eyes, so I was free to revel in her body before taking the picture.

She said, "Come on, take it," and I took the shot. Again she said, "Turn around," and then got dressed.

When she was done, I said, "Mom that was a beautiful thing you did for me, and you are so beautiful, I can't even tell you."

I could sense her discomfort when she said, "Okay, but nobody sees it, right?"

I said, "Of course mom."

She said, "Okay."

It was terrible having that picture. It drove me fucking crazy. I could look at the body I wanted so badly but couldn't have. No matter how much I fantasized or masturbated, I couldn't get enough. Finally I stopped looking at it for long periods of time, until I just had to take it out.

We talked more on the phone than we ever had, but coming home weekends was a double-edged sword. I wanted to be with her, and look at her, and smell her, but I also wanted more. She was always happy to see me, and she seemed to hold me longer and closer each time. One night I asked her dance with me while some music was playing. She had to know that I had a hard-on as she rubbed up against me.

The business was going well and we even had enough to hire a part time person to screen the shirts. Getting out from under our financial burdens allowed us to talk about other things. We considered the future and I asked her why she hadn't gone out since leaving Phillip. She said, "I'm not ready to get into that scene. Right now I'm happy being in the new house and fixing it up, and doing Jay-Lo's...I'll get to the other stuff when I get to it. How's it going with your new girlfriend?"

I said, "Oh, Wendy, I see her once in a while, but it's not going to go anywhere."

Mom said, "No? She seemed nice that day she came over to see the barn...she's a little older than you isn't she?"

I laughed and said, "Yeah, a little, she's almost thirty, but she's not old enough for me mom...I like mature women."

She hesitated and then said, "Why John?"

With a wry smile I said, "You know why mom, because of you."

We'd been avoiding the subject, so I was surprised but glad when she said, "Yes I guess I do know, but honey, you can't hold on to that fantasy, I'm twice your age, and I feel like I'm getting older by the day...and I'm your mother. Baby, baby, baby, this is something that can't be. I think about it so much, about how much I want you to be happy, about what I could do to help you..."

I said, "Mom, I'm okay, really, it's not so terrible to love your mother. Don't worry so much, we're doing okay, and things will work themselves out. Now what about Lorraine? What's going to make you happy?"

She said, "Oh I don't know, nothing exotic, just to feel good about myself, have someone who loves me."

"You have that mom." I touched her hand and she touched my face and said, "Oh Johnny..."

That night we celebrated a big order we had gotten out and we drank a lot of wine. Was it accidental that mom drank more than I'd ever seen? Was it accidental that she sat by me at dinner and became affectionate enough to be touching me with almost every word she said, or that she asked me, "What should we do now?"

I was feeling loose enough to say, "Mom, you know those scarves that I always used to buy you on all your birthdays?"

She said, "Sure baby, I kept them all."

I said, "I know mom; I even know where you keep them." I kissed her neck and said, "I bought them for your pretty neck, but let me show you something I keep thinking about them."

She said, "What?"

I said, "Come, I'll show you." I took her by the hand and led her to her bedroom."

I said, "Sit, and I'll show you my scarf dream." She sat on the bed.

I reached to the bottom drawer of her night table and took out a handful of the scarves. Mom looked at me glassily as I lifted her hand and wrapped a scarf around her wrist. I could hear her breathing get deeper as she said, "John...?" But she didn't stop me when I tied her wrist to the bed. All I could hear were her breaths as I urged her to lie back and then fastened her other wrist. I took a scarf and let it slide over her breast and down her leg. I tied one of her ankles. I let my hand glide to the inside of her thigh and she caught her breath, but I stopped short of her pussy.

I brought another scarf over her body and then down to her free ankle. She writhed a little as her legs spread when I got the last scarf fastened. Seeing my mother completely clothed but spread-eagled didn't do anything to ease the hard-on I had developed tying her down.

I said, "This is what I imagine when I think that you'll won't let me love you." Her eyes were closed; her head was turned so that one cheek was on the pillow and I lightly kissed her vulnerable neck. She didn't say anything. I touched her tit with one finger and circled her nipple for a minute or two before touching the tip. Even over her bra and top, I could feel it expand.

My mother's response was a soft, "John...John..." The sound had a hint of anxiety in it.

After that gentle touching, it must have shook her a bit when I pushed up her dress hard enough to slide it under ass until it gathered at her waist. She said, "OH," but still didn't open her eyes. I touched her pussy with my fingers over her panties. I could hear the brisling sound from the small patch of bush, and then I slid two fingers lower, over the soft lips of her pussy. She made a whiney sound as I stroked. I could feel the moisture begin to seep through her nylon panties.