I had been out of the house for most of the day, and as I got back home my husband was just leaving to go to a game.
I wanted to continue talking to my son, and find out what he was thinking. My nerves felt like they were on my outside, and the thoughts about what we had spoken about the same morning had been present in my mind the entire day. I had done my best to not over-analyze our conversation, and tried to occupy my head with other thoughts.
"Have a good evening," I told my husband as he was putting on his jacket.
"You two have a good time too," he responded, and I could almost make out a sarcastic undertone in his voice. "Even though I'm not around."
I could not do anything about my son's fear of being left alone, and neither could I change the way my husband made fun of us. He must have picked up on how close we were, me and my son. After all, he had basically seen me get out of our son's bed that same morning. I couldn't change that, so all I could do was try to keep the future as secure as I could: Make my son happy and keep my husband satisfied.
He was soon out of the door and on his way. I went to the kitchen knowing that I should begin preparing dinner, but my mind was elsewhere. I could not help but think of my son's penis again. I had told myself that I would stop going back to his profile to see the picture again, and before I could break my promise, my son came into the kitchen.
"Hey mom," he said. "Where's dad?"
"He went to his game already," I answered and took out some pans as if I had a plan of something to cook. "How was your day?"
"Oh, pretty good," he answered.
"Any problems?" I asked.
"Nah, it's fine," he said. "I just... I have been thinking about our talk this morning. Can we continue speaking before we have dinner?"
"Okay," I said, relieved that I would not have to continue my fake cooking. "You're not hungry?"
"No, mom."
"So where were we," I asked in order to make him pick up where we left off.
"We were in my room, mom," he said with a subtle smile on his face.
"Oh, so you want to go back there?" I said, trying to joke back at him.
He was silent for a second and then said: "Yeah, maybe I'd like that, mom."
I had not expected this response but was happy to hear that he was sharing his true feelings with me. I did want to make him as comfortable as possible, and if he felt better in his room, I would obviously not deny him that.
"Oh, okay, honey. We can do that," I said.