I suppose I shouldn't be writing this down for anyone to read. But I'm not a Catholic anymore, so I can't go to confession on a Sunday. Let's consider this my written confession. My name is Carol Jacques. For most of my life I'd been the perfect housewife and mother, with a loving husband and a wonderful, very handsome son Josh.
My husband Gerald, who is an international stockbroker, had been a very good husband to me and provided us with a wonderful home in which I was happy to play housewife in. Gerald was often away on business so our marriage was never under the kind of strain where we were living with each other day in, day out.
This meant I could focus on making sure my son stayed on the rails and did well at school, then college and university. This wasn't that difficult as he was an academic ace who breezed his way to an honours degree.
By the age of twenty-two he already had a big future ahead and so naturally the most attractive young women were flocking around him, seeing him as the most eligible man they could find to marry.
Josh had always been popular with the girls but there was a period around twenty-two to twenty-four where he seemed to have a different girlfriend every week! As his mother, I thought nothing of it; I was never a prude and he didn't seem to be breaking hearts, just sowing his wild oats like young men loved to do.
But that all changed when he got to twenty-five when he seemed to get bored of casual fun and then met Tasmin at a racecourse event. Tasmin was the very privileged daughter of a property tycoon and it seemed that she hit it off with my son as soon as they met.
After dating for only a few months things began to get serious and there was even talk of wedding bells, which seemed far too soon for my liking. It was definitely around this point where I started to find dealing with my emotions about this situation rather difficult.
Until then, I'd seen a lot of Josh even when he'd been casually dating. He was always coming round to talk and to get his meals cooked for him, which he knew I always loved to do. But when he hooked up with the very high maintenance, very demanding Tasmin the visits to the house became more and more infrequent.
Sometimes, rarely, they would visit me and I'd cook for them both. But Tasmin was a hardcore vegan type and everything had to be "gluten free" and "organic", it made making a meal a nightmare. I wanted so much to like her, especially as she was talking about marrying my son. But as much as I tried, I just couldn't find a way to get along with her.
She was rather condescending towards me and I got the impression that I'd be seeing Josh even less if and when she managed to get him down the aisle. The situation caused me more and more stress.
I began to feel that, while Tasmin was a very attractive and desirable woman who would introduce him into higher society and get him meeting all the right people, Josh would be much happier with a girl less affluent and privileged but simply a nicer person.
Yet he was convinced that he was in love with Tasmin and I could sense a big announcement coming. When they visited to tell me they'd set the date for the wedding I found it incredibly hard to pretend I felt happy about it, but I managed to fake some enthusiasm and offered my congratulations.
Yet, inside, I felt so disappointed in my son's choice of wife and after they left that night I had to pour myself a few brandies to settle my nerves. The way I felt that night, I didn't even know if I even would attend the wedding.
The next few months were no easier for me, I had to deal with Tasmin and her obnoxious family dictating how the wedding should be, determined to control everything as they had money to burn.
We were a well off family but Tasmin's domineering father Terrance was insistent that he pay for everything, as he was a man of tradition. Personally, I don't think he gave a damn about tradition or being generous, he just loved flaunting his wealth and enjoying the control it gave him over others.
When it got to within a month of the wedding the stress it was causing was giving me sleepless nights. I felt my son was making a terrible mistake by marrying into this money-mad, materialistic family. But in the dark hours of the night I would admit to myself that I felt resentful and jealous of Tasmin for taking my son away from me. It didn't help that she was a total bitch either.
Over the next month I attempted several discussions with my son, trying to make sure that his feelings for her were genuine and he wasn't marrying for the wrong reasons, like affluence and influence.
I could tell these were definitely factors but I also had to admit he did seem to have some genuine feelings for Tasmin and I found that difficult. It was easier for me to believe he was just marrying for advancing his status and career rather than him actually loving her. She was certainly attractive, not beautiful but sexy with a voluptuous figure and stunning blonde hair.
I couldn't believe how difficult I was finding it to let go of my son, emotionally. We'd always been so close though and, while I always knew he would flee the nest and marry, I couldn't have anticipated how distressing it would be for me.
In my nightly reflections I began to wonder if my emotional attachment to my son was stronger than is healthy. This thought played on my mind constantly in the weeks running up to the wedding.
I was able to distract myself by immersing myself in the preparations. While Terrance had been happy to pay for everything, he was happy for me to deal with arranging all the invitations, the flowers, the wedding cake, meeting the vicar to discuss the vows (Tasmin insisted they write their own vows, trying to be modern, I suppose).
In a way I was grateful to be given all these time consuming chores, it took my mind off my emotional turmoil over Josh.
But as the big day approached I was having a very difficult time dealing with my feelings. I just desperately wanted to convince Josh that he was making a terrible mistake, that he'd be happier with someone else.
I still remember the night before the wedding, staring at my clock at 3am in the morning and thinking about ringing Josh to tell him that he had call the wedding off. That I'd disown him if he married Tasmin, that I'd never speak to him again. That's how I felt at that moment, but I knew it would be utter madness to do so.
I got a few hours sleep and woke up with butterflies in my stomach after dreaming about running down the aisle to stop the wedding ceremony halfway through. After a shower brought me back to feeling in reality again I carefully picked out my dress. I don't remember consciously thinking it, but I must have felt the need to look my best for the wedding.
I spent several hours choosing my dress and putting make-up on. I picked out a magnificent magenta dress that I knew I would look good in, a very expensive dress of mine I reserved for special occasions.
As it was knee length, I slid on some black thigh-highs. My legs were my best feature apart from my breasts, which that dress showed off in a classy manner, a restrained but noticeable cleavage on display. I finally picked out a matching hat and stood in front of my full length mirror, admiring myself.
Knowing that I'd least be looking my very best on this momentous day was a consolation, even though my hands were shaking with nerves. I had no big drama planned now, I knew it was too late to stop the wedding. Josh had spent the night at his best friend's house as he was going to be his best man.
Matthew was the same age as Josh and they'd been friends since they were boys. I had lightly quizzed Matthew about what he thought about Tasmin, and he gave a very diplomatic answer that I found hard to read. He was obviously trying to be the good friend to my son but I sensed he didn't like her much either.
