Stepping outside again with Emily felt like a victory, despite in many ways being the first step towards another defeat. A lost struggle with her decency, willpower, curiosity, and vulnerability. Danielle was under no illusions that she should not be smoking cigarettes with her teenage daughter, objectively speaking. But she was trying her best to consider all the reasons why this time was okay, and that it wouldn't represent a commitment to doing it again.
It was a specious argument that wouldn't hold up to scrutinization, but it was enough to make her feel a little less guilty about what she was about to do.
Emily reached into her little red leather purse and dug out her pack of cigarettes, shaking one out and placing it between her lips. She lit herself up easily, puffing a mouthful of smoke out before taking a strong drag and inhaling deeply. She extended her hand toward Danielle with the freshly lit cigarette burning between her fingers and Danielle accepted it between her own fingers. She noticed how her hand was shaking as she did and knew that it was just one more indication of how wrong she knew it was.
Interestingly enough, it was also the final nail in the coffin that sealed her fate as the rising anxiety she felt pushed her to bring the cigarette up to her lips to quell it. As she took a measured pull on the cigarette, filling her mouth with smoke for the first time in a week, she felt her anticipation rise for the chest-filling inhalation. It was not to be. Her lungs protested violently and she sputtered and coughed midway through her inhale. It was only the second cigarette she had ever properly inhaled, and the week of respite had meant her tolerance had regressed.
Unlike the previous time in the car though, this time Danielle was undeterred. She knew that on the other side of enduring a cough was the wonderfully calming embrace of nicotine and she was not going to be denied. She finished coughing and even spit, trying to clear her throat of an increased production of mucus. After catching her breath Danielle again brought the cigarette to her lips and took another drag, filling her mouth again. This time she inhaled very slowly, letting the minty smoke descend down her throat and fill her lungs with a deliberate pace.
It seemed to do the trick, and other than a slight tickle she was free of the urge to cough. She basked for a few seconds in the feeling of having her lungs full, a sensation that she was just now realizing she had missed very much, before finally relenting and pursing her lips to exhale. She enjoyed the feeling of emptying her lungs and the satisfying spectacle of seeing herself blow a stream of smoke into the evening air. There was something to enjoy about every aspect of smoking she was coming to realize. She wondered how intently she should challenge that notion as the implications of her thoughts were perhaps fairly dangerous but her will to do so dissipated into thin air along with her exhale.
The only thing she could think to do was bring the cigarette back to her lips and repeat the process, noticing that the nervous hum of anxiety in her belly and the back of her mind was quickly retreating.
"Missed it?" Emily asked through a smirk.
Danielle would not have been able to deny it if she tried, as her obvious pleasure was written all over her face and in the increasingly relaxed body language she communicated unconsciously.
"Unfortunately," she agreed begrudgingly.
In truth, it was more of what she felt like she 'should' feel. If she were being honest with herself and her daughter, she would have been far less dour in her response. And, because this entire routine was becoming special due to how honest they were with each other, she decided to amend her response.
"Not unfortunately, just yes. I want to be honest with you, because that is what this is all about. I am enjoying this cigarette, and I like smoking even if I know it's not the right thing to be doing. I can feel guilty about it later, but right now, yes, I've missed this, and I am enjoying myself very much," Danielle effused.
Perhaps it was a little verbose, but Danielle was feeling the onset of a light-headed buzz to go along with her enhanced relaxation and being straightforward with herself out loud was sort of liberating and energizing.
"Good, I'm glad you told me that. Hearing you share things like that make you feel more real to me, and it makes me feel closer to you," Emily replied.
Danielle beamed at her daughter with a large smile and triumphantly took another drag off her cigarette, inhaling deeply and smoothly and enjoying every moment of it. She revisited her idea of guilt and wondered to herself; Was it inevitable that she would feel guilty for this? Was it justified? Maybe a cigarette every now and again was a justifiable escape and reward for being the engine that had kept this family running for the last two decades. She would have to think on it later, but the thought that this was a one-off was too disturbing to her to accept at that moment.
She didn't intend to start smoking every day or anything, but she played around with the idea that she could indulge infrequently as a treat. A thought that millions of other helplessly addicted smokers had probably had, but she pushed those ideas away and enjoyed the rest of her cigarette in relative peace. When she finally stamped it out, she was experiencing the acrid taste of the burning filter, a sign that she had not wanted it to end.
Danielle and Emily both retreated to their bathrooms to air themselves out and conceal the lingering smell with freshly brushed teeth, perfume, and a couple sprays of sweet-smelling dry conditioner. They seemed to time it just right because as soon as they had reconvened downstairs, David was pulling into the driveway. Danielle did one final sniff of herself before feeling confident that she didn't smell of smoke as she went back to cleaning up the kitchen. Emily sat on the stool next to the countertop and scrolled her phone.
Upon entering both women greeted David warmly and a unity that had been missing from the house felt repaired, if not entirely, at least for the moment. No one openly questioned it, and they each enjoyed a light-hearted conversation about nothing important as David enjoyed a plate full of leftovers. After about half-an-hour each of them retreated to their respective rooms, nothing else significant occurring for the rest of the evening.
The following day marked the first morning in more than a week where all three of them were present in the kitchen before the day officially began. The amiable atmosphere persisted, and David left for work feeling grateful and happy for the sudden positive turn the family dynamic had taken, even if he really didn't understand how or why it had occurred. Emily wasted no time in going outside for a cigarette and Danielle felt the pull to join her but resisted by cleaning up the kitchen of the breakfast she had prepared.
When Emily returned from the back patio smelling of fresh smoke, Danielle was practically salivating and more than a little frustrated at her daughter's ability to throw caution to wind and enjoy the short-sighted ignorance of youth. She was never afforded the opportunity herself, and while she didn't resent the fact that she had missed out on that part of being a young person, she was definitely feeling jealousy more acutely than she could ever remember before.
Emily seemed to notice her stormy demeanor and offered a sly, knowing smile before saying something about it.
"Why are you denying yourself?" she asked plainly.
Danielle couldn't help but huff out her response.
"Because I don't want to be smoking all day, and I don't want it to become a habit or an addiction. I like it way too much already, if I start giving in to smoking whenever I want it's going to get out of control very quickly and I just don't want that," she explained.
Emily predictably rolled her eyes in a decidedly 'teenager' mannerism before capping it off with an equally predictable 'whatever.'
"Part of being an adult is doing what you know you need to do, even when you don't feel like you want to do it. You'll learn that someday," she said.
Emily flashed her an annoyed look that communicated just how much she didn't appreciate her mother's condescending tone.
"That was rude," she said.
Danielle's first instinct was to immediately defend herself as simply stating the truth but knew that it would only pour gas on this particular fire. Instead, she switched to being more conciliatory.
