"Anna" Jason offers his hand to help me up off the floor. "Sis I am so sorry. I don't know what happened. He was so angry and then...well...I don't know...I'm sorry..."
"Me too," Chris joined in with the apologies.
I ignored them both and stood myself up. Pushing my skirt down I headed for the bathroom. Once on there I locked the door behind me, sank down on to the floor and cried.
It wasn't supposed to be like this. That's not how I had wanted it to be. I had wanted you, my daddy, for so long. I had saved my virginity for you, hoping that one day it would be like a fairytale. You and I, alone at home, watching TV. Just you and me. I could seduce you, show you all the tricks that my brothers had taught me since my 18th birthday, the things I had learned just to try and please you when I had the chance. But no, it had happened like this, with you drunk and angry, my brothers there, hardly the romantic deflowering I had wanted from my daddy. The worst part was that u knew nothing of how I wanted you. Now you thought I was a slut. Maybe I was. Only a slut would use her brothers to teach her how to please a man just to seduce her father. It sounded sordid in my head but it felt so different in my heart and my stomach.
All those nights spent lying in bed with one of your worn shirts, inhaling the aroma of your day. I would try and guess where you had been, what you had done, which deals you had sealed. But I had always ended up with the same thoughts in my head...you and me...your body pressing in to mine...your strong arms around me...you telling me that you never knew I felt like this and asking why I hadn't said anything...and how good it was to finally be able to tell me that you had wanted me too.
Always it was a happy encounter; nothing like tonight. I sat on the floor and cried until Mom came and knocked on the door.
"I'm home Anna!" She shouted. "I hope you are in a better mood than the men in this house or I'm going out again." She joked. "Anna?" and when I didn't answer. "Are you in there?"
"Yes Mom." I called back. "Im just getting in the shower, then going to bed."
"Okay Hon," she said as I heard her mumbling away to herself about grumpy husbands and sons...
I showered and took myself to bed. Sleep came surprisingly easily...
*************
It was still dark when I woke. I looked at the clock beside my bed and the red digital numbers told me it was 3am. I was unaware of what time I had fallen asleep so was not sure how much sleep I'd had. I began to cry again as last night came flooding back to me.
"Anna please don't cry..." your voice shocked me and I sat up in the dark.
"Daddy?" I whispered sub consciously trying to pull the duvet over me.
"Anna I am so fucking sorry," I heard you say from the other side of the room, by my desk. I heard a stifled sniff too. Were you crying? You never cried, not in front of your kids anyway. Then I heard you sob, first one, then uncontrollably, muffled.
I reached over and turned the bedside light on, the dimness of the bulb barely radiated in to my room but I saw your outline slumped in my desk chair, your head held in your hands, your shoulders shaking violently. I hesitantly pulled back the covers from my body and slipped quietly out of bed. I wanted to put my arms around you, I hated to see you cry. But the memories what had happened and the hate in your eyes last night made me stay simply standing by the bed.
I watched you cry in to your hands and, as my eyes became more accustomed to the dim light I saw tears drip on to the floor. My resolve weakened and I took a few steps towards you, still slightly fearful.
"Don't come near me Anna," you sniffed, wiping your eyes, your head still lowered.
"Daddy..." a few more steps forward, despite what you had done you were still the man I had wanted for so long, still my daddy. "...Daddy I wanted you." I spoke before I even thought about it. "Just not like that!" I felt my tears well up again in my eyes. Now you knew. I had said it and I couldn't take it back.