Jesse had a day off the next day, he took it on himself to try and understand Gwen more and figured the best way to do it would be to read her journal again. Carefully he had searched for it, sure it was moved from the last time, once found, to the living room to read it.
"Let's see now... last few days." He flipped backwards through it.
"Didn't get to write about this because he had me in his bed, then there was the other thing. I had no intention of sleeping with Jesse that night he came home drunk. He woke me up and I really wanted to just get him in his bed. I wasn't going to turn down an offer if he was drunk enough to want to, he was, so I did it. We have been coming on too strong, but we agree it has to be this way. Jesse never got the hints before I started trying to get physical. I was a little drunk off wine that night and that helped some. The sex was great and I didn't think he was so drunk that he thought I was that other girl. Looked her up online and we do kinda look alike.
I bet sober sex would be better. Anyway by the time he woke up, it was back to his normal self. Truth is I could think straight after, I tried to go back to my own bed, but he wouldn't let me. After a while I was too tired and just gave up. He was drunk enough he probably wouldn't have remembered if I wasn't still there. I couldn't lie, be a waste of time.
The way he lost it, was bad. I'm still in shock. He hit me. I was, no we went too far I guess. I don't know. In my head it was different. All I could do is cry. If he wants me to leave him alone, okay. I'm not taking those pills. I remember how this turns out with Damon. He used to hit me sometimes if I wasn't acting right. Called it having a talk. I'll try to control myself on my own and do what I need to do and stay out of his way."
"Oooooh...
that's
what she meant by knowing how whatever goes."
"Jesse tried to say he was sorry. I'm not sure if I believe him and they don't. He said I could hit him back, but that won't fix anything. They keep saying to hurt him for his betrayal and I refuse to hurt my own son. He keeps trying and I do not get why. Oh yes, thanks for reminding me. He's just feeling guilty. I'm still not going to hit him back. I'm just going to keep what I should be."
"He's getting what he wanted, it's hard but I'm doing it. Every time he tries to talk to me I can barely hear him over the others. They just won't shut up about him and me. I can't find my own thoughts tonight. Can't concentrate."
"I think they are starting to hate him. Or maybe I do. He can't be like Damon like they say. No this is my choice! I'm myself! I love Jesse and because I do, I am doing this for him and me..."
"I'm starting to struggle. They know I know what they want. I won't let them hurt him. They don't like when I hurt them, so that's what I'm going to do to put them in their place. I can be strong."
"That's why she cuts herself‽"
"He's started being nicer to me. Rather we keep trying to push him than ignore him. It warms my heart to see he still loves me. I don't trust myself to speak and ruin it but I need him to know that I appreciate it. I know he's trying and he probably thinks I'm mad at him. I was never mad, I was hurt. If I could get him to understand me better. I've already forgave him, I know I'm not easy to deal with even if I wasn't in love with him. I'm surprised I haven't got fired with how I am. They're just happy to give me the days off I need. He came home mad for some reason. Jesse thinks I'm trying to trick him. I'm trying to keep him happy. I thought he was going to hit me again. I took a chance and finally speaking to him. I know they would start things all over again the way they were yelling. If I gave them a chance to talk everything would be messed up. They want him to think he is crazy as I am. He's not. After I found out about this, the first thing I did was have him looked at and pray he wasn't cursed like this."
"They keep pushing me and pushing me since then. No you can't talk. I think I should just shut down. As bad as it is, those pills make things worse. When we had sex I felt normal. I feel like Jesse is better than those pills. They won't admit it but I think they know that they go away when something like that happens. Maybe they actually don't want to be here. Maybe the diagnosis was wrong and it's all me. It was just me and Jesse that night and after. They were just there when he rejected me and I didn't have control. Just like the date he took me on tonight. I had a good time and no voices. I was hoping he would give up when I didn't get dressed for it and I admit I kinda wanted him to work for it. I can't believe he dressed me like that. I didn't want to fight back and make him mad. I think we were both nervous. For some reason I just stayed shut down. He was so sweet telling that woman we were a couple, I know he was trying to give me a good time and I had one. It's hard to undo what I've been doing.
I see him trying and maybe he'll feel how I feel. I know it's supposed to be wrong, we all know that. But it's not going to hurt anybody. It doesn't erase how I feel. If I could stop and love somebody else I would, but I can't. I tried over and over. One thing I learned with all this is that I truly am in love with Jesse, my own son. I'm going to try and talk to him. Force myself to do it."
Jesse now understood her more than he ever did. All the things she struggled to, or couldn't say. He went through passages in the beginning of the book to find she started writing it to record what was happening to her when the signs started showing.
"So I can see how hard Damon is taking this but he's trying. Everything was fine for a while, I'm on some meds that should work better. I hope they do so we can keep our normal life..."
"I'm about four months pregnant and they told me I might need to not take my pills for the baby's sake..."
"Things are getting really weird. I don't like this. I'm getting right back on these pills after Jesse is born..."
"Damon hit me. I was just trying to explain something. Was that me talking?..."
"I'm trying to hold it together, so I forget here and there. Remember not to slip up at this party tonight so Damon doesn't need to talk to us..."
Jesse took a break from reading to clear his mind after reading so much of what was going on when he was a kid, it started to piss him off even more.
"She really is going through some stuff."
Jesse made himself a lunch, grabbed a beer, tried to watch some tv, but he kept thinking about it all. The journal begged to be read more, his curiosity gotten the better of him, that no distraction would deter. After eating and with another beer, he picked the book up and read more.
--
It was late in the afternoon when Gwen came home, she was going to do her best to explain herself and mend whatever relationship they had. She walked in the door and found him sleep with three empty beer bottles.
"Maybe I should let him sleep. Wait... is that my...?"
Jesse nearly jumped off the couch when she yelled his name. "Mo—Gwen—hey welcome home! You're talking to me again? Great!"
She bent down to grab her journal and he pulled her in a hug that made her plop on the couch.
"Why did you read my journal," she demanded, still surprised from the hug.
"I didn't know you were going through so much, mom. I should've had more patience and listened."
She scoffed and tried to get free. "
Now
you care, huh? After what you did‽"
"That's right."
"Regardless of everything, you've been a shitty son."
"I know."
"You read this, our—my private thoughts and think you get it all‽"
"No and that's why I need my mom to explain it."
"I am your—"
"No, Gwen is my mom.
You're
not real.
You're
not my Gwen."
She hugged him back as tight as she could.
"I'm not Damon, I don't wanna hurt you again."
"I know. I know you don't," she whispered.
"If you wanna talk, I promise I won't get mad. Are you okay?"
"I'm sorry for how I've been with you."
"Mom." He let go. "I kinda understand that. Look at me."
She did as told.
"Last night was okay. I didn't die. You know we can't be boyfriend and girlfriend, we're mother and son."
"I get that, but—"
"We just
can't
." His voice was firm, then soft. "But it's not like we can't pretend sometimes. If that's what helps."
"When you say pretend...?"
"Dates like last night, for starters. But promise me something?"
"Yeah?"
"Please stop being so pushy with me."
"I promise. I'll try not to."
"Thanks mom."
"Jesse...?"
"I still feel weird calling you by your name... okay, at least at home."
"I want to know if you're feeling the same way I am?" She held his hand.
"I don't know."
"I know that... it's weird... and... it's taboo. Just know that you're not
like
me, so hopefully you didn't get
that
