Run, rabbit run
Dig that hole, forget the sun
And when at last the work is done
Don't sit down, it's time to dig another one
Roger Waters, Breathe, - Pink Floyd
* * * * *
"Jim?" Ann had picked up at three rings.
"Hey, Ann. Listen, I'm sitting in your driveway. I brought over my smoker and the old grill. I'm gonna set them up in your backyard. I'm not gonna need them and whoever buys the place can get their own."
"Okay, sure."
"Yeah." Jim hesitated. What do you say to someone heading into therapy? Have a good session? "Okay, listen, I'll pick you up at four."
His dad had purchased the grill and smoker years ago and, like everything he owned, was almost fanatical in their upkeep. Jim spent hours that morning scouring them, removing some rust, and cleaning the thermometers. The only replacements needed were the cooking grates. He wasn't sure if it was nature or nurture, but Jim followed in his father's footsteps. Anything out of place was an irritant, and if you had something you valued, you kept it in good repair.
They had spent countless hours sitting around that smoker, talking about whatever came to mind. Jim knew now that his father gently guided those conversations to what he thought his son should know. What it meant to be a man, respecting others, standing for those in need.
They would sit in their oak chairs, listening to the popping of the wood as it slowly burned down. Monitoring the temperatures, they had their wood supplies handy, post-oak, cherry, peach, some mesquite chunks. Their conversations took meandering, circuitous routes around the weather, football and how to tell when a brisket was ready by feel instead of temperature, but they always ended up with his father underscoring what he felt was important in life.
Jim knew that there was a deep need in his father to inculcate his values into his son. It was never stated, but he knew that his dad lived with the frustration of not knowing how his brother, Jim's uncle, had stepped onto the wrong path and checked out on life. If he couldn't understand how it happened, how could he protect his son and ensure that he didn't make the same mistakes?
When the cookers were originally unloaded, it had taken both Jim and his father to get them out of the truck. It was barely a struggle now to get them out on his own. Jim had become even more fanatical about staying in shape after his injuries, as if he could compensate for his losses with physical fitness. Every morning he ran for as long as his bad leg would allow and then slowed to a brisk walk. He didn't sleep much, so he worked out in the evenings, driving himself to exhaustion.
After putting the equipment in the back of the house and moving some split logs of cherry and oak near the smoker, Jim returned to the truck and pulled out a bag with two chicken salad sandwiches and a beer. Going back to the stacked wood, he rearranged it so that both stacks were of even height. Satisfied, he made his way towards the tree near the river. In spite of the cold, he sat down, back against the trunk and ate his lunch.
For the first time that he could remember since Liz's death, he felt at peace. He could almost feel her. This was his home, here under their tree. This is where he could return to and calm the storms in his soul. The house he grew up in was just a building, this is where his spirit dwelled. The anger, frustration and loneliness seeped out of his soul as he watched the water and remembered.
* * * * *
EARLIER
11 Years Ago, Summer
Liz vacuumed the carpeting, the afternoon heat adding to her exhaustion. She had to stop three times to sit down and rest. She watched Jim as he went back and forth in their backyard. He was effortlessly carrying the wooden shed's door to where he had the sander set up. Liz's gaze lingered on his back, his chest, his lean, muscled frame, before calling from the window.
"Jim? You hungry?"
He quickly looked up at her voice, fear in his eyes, relaxing when he realized she was just starting a conversation. She felt a tightening in her stomach. There was always a panicked start when he heard her, as if something were wrong, something he had to take care of or make right. She was no longer Aunt Liz. She was now Aunt Liz with cancer.
Smiling, he grabbed his shirt, pulled it back on, jogged over to the house and joined her in the kitchen. "Always hungry. Whadda you have?"
In spite of her quickening pulse, she took a step back from him. As circumspect as they were when they weren't by the water, they had fallen into the habit of casually touching one another when they were near. They often stood too close, enjoying a proximity that wasn't entirely appropriate.
She could see the understanding in his gentle smile. Liz reached up for a brief moment and cupped his cheek. She ruthlessly pushed down the feelings of guilt that always flowed just below the surface, burbling up now and again to assail her conscience.
"I thought I'd cut up some cheese and apples and we've got those crackers. Still got some of Sunday's ham in the fridge."
He smiled again. "Can we eat down by the river?"
She walked over to the counter without answering, and started cutting food up.
"Aunt Liz?"
She pushed away her reticence and guilt. "Sure. We can have a little picnic."
They brushed shoulders and reflexively leaned towards each other as they made their way to the river.
Sitting by their tree, they drank some pop after their lunch. Liz saw him watching her expectantly.
"Jim, I'm a little tired today. I don't think I'm going to go swimming."
"Are you—"
She smiled wanly at his concern. "I'm fine, honey. Just tired."
Liz reached over and took his hand. She knew that he wouldn't force the issue. Jim had always acted like being in her presence was a reward of some sort. She didn't deserve it, but she couldn't put an end to it. Before the passion and infatuation, he had loved her. As a child that love was there and it remained today.
A dangerous edge intertwined with his passion. There was always something just under the surface with Jim, a strength and hardness that he kept locked down. She watched him as he repeatedly cast an eye over her body in the uncontrollable, obvious manner of young men. Liz knew that the reality of her appearance wasn't what Jim saw. It both pained and thrilled her.
