Secret No Longer Ch 11

[ Dear Readers:

Many thanks for all of your encouraging comments.

If you prefer to read episodes of this series without their predecessors, that's fine and I hope you enjoy them that way. Just a heads-up, though: It's not meant to be an anthology. All the episodes (except the first) build on those before them, so you'll probably conclude some things differently from what was intended.

Some of our readers' public and private comments touch on unmentioned matters, just a few of which are safe sex, STDs and common real-world consequences of things and events in the story.

Two chief rules in theatre are, first, everything on stage must have a reason to be there, second, everything that the action requires must be present, whether explicitly or implicitly. It's not much different in written fiction. By the second rule, if a story does not get into some particular issue explicitly or implicitly (for example, indirectly through consequences) then it is irrelevant because the author deems it so and asks the reader to consider that issue adequately handled without mention. Sometimes action may be simplified a little from what is actually meant for the sake of smoothness and avoiding distracting details unnecessary for understanding the scene. A good author has respect for the reader's intelligence and imagination and does not feel compelled to paint every scene with photographic detail.

In short, if it ain't there, it don't matter. Please remember that this is a story, not a case study or the news.]

SECRET NO LONGER

Chapter 11

Linda: Jason's Changes, Shirley and Timmy, and Trouble on the Horizon

"Mom, I just want you to know that Lori and I broke up."

That surprised me. They seemed so close. And yet, they're both young.

"I'm sorry to hear that. You doing OK?"

"I'm doing OK."

"Good." Now the question that had to be asked. "Is it because of...you-know-what?"

"Nope, not a chance. She doesn't know, and it had nothing to do with my own decision. Well, think about it: we're both just twenty years old, and we agreed that we both want to play the field, have other relationships, maybe a lot of them, who knows? Anyway, more than a few; you need to know how to be close to different kinds of personalities before you learn how to really get it right with the one you'll spend your life with. There's still time and we don't want to waste it."

"Wise thinking, Son. Sounds like a speech your father..."

Oh, God, such a bolt of fear suddenly seized my heart, chilling my very soul and turning my blood to ice in my veins! How unprepared I was for how this mere mention of Fred could threaten the wall of denial and emotional isolation without which I could not have sustained this life of debauchery and indulgence, this one which I intended to exploit for whatever days remained before I would be forced to return to the life one might call normal. I cannot--I

must

not--lose that fragile separation before its time. To abandon the life I had come to know and love before all this happened was unthinkable. The time would come soon enough when this would have to fade into the past, and I was doggedly determined to milk every moment from this side-trip from sensibility that was there to be milked. After that, everything would just go back to the way it was before, right?

It did not help to see ample indications that my son was engaged in his own version of the very same struggle.

With a convulsive effort of thought and emotion, I managed to push away the truth, the objections, back behind the wall and shore it up to stand again, if but for an all-too-short time. Jason, I could see, had accomplished the same thing, in his own way.

Quickly, rushing through it to try to dodge any more conflicting realities, I said what I had begun to say and managed to get past the entire subject, though not without some very nasty bruises of the heart I vainly hoped would heal quickly.

"Anyway, Mom, as it happens, though, there is a new lady in my life."

I was glad to start talking about something else.

"And who is that?"

"Carla."

Carla, you may recall, is Timmy's sister. And if you recall that, you may recall that Timmy is the very one who surprised me that day as I absent-mindedly set out to snuggle up to Jason with half my clothes off. And if you recall

that

, you'll recall that, to our blessed relief, we realized that he and his mother had a well-established physical relationship as well, and that it served as a demonstration that it is possible for some people, with the right ideas and the right preparation, to carry on incestuous relationships without disaster.

"Hmm... That was quick."

"Not really, Mom," he explained. "Actually Lori and I broke up a bit over a week ago. I just decided to see how things would go before I got around to telling you. Then Carla and I hooked up."

"That's very nice. I have to admit, though, that I find the implications interesting."

"I take that to mean how she and Timmy and their mom like to play the way we've been playing. Right?"

"That is what I meant, naturally."

"Well, let me tell you about what happened the other day. Carla and I were really deep into it when Timmy came by the room. The way things are over there they sometimes leave their doors open when they're getting hot and heavy; it's kind of an invitation to the others to join in if they want to.

"That's just what happened. It was definitely weird to see Timmy look in and say hello and then come in when Carla beckoned to him. Not that it was a problem; that's why we left the door open that time; it was just something I'd never experienced before. In fact I wanted to see what it was like.

"It turned out to be very free, easy and fun. Timmy said hello, right there while I was pumping into Carla--well, we kinda slowed down a bit, but didn't miss a beat otherwise--and started shucking his duds. He kinda held back a bit, judging by our actions when he should get in closer.

"To make a long and sweet story short, we all managed to find what was just right to do. Timmy started playing with Carla's tits...er, breasts; I know you prefer that word--and before long he and I both did our thing with Carla while the other did whatever to add to her pleasure and get our own. It was weird at first for me, but after a while it just seemed perfectly natural and a special thrill."

A tiny, delicious little tingle passed through me. The little

ménage à trois

Jason had just described intrigued me, triggering a momentary fantasy that somehow, sometime, I might have the chance to try something of the kind. An instant later I realized that was impossible, not even within the limits of this bizarre, displaced walk through debauchery that had become the agenda of our lives. I was even a little envious.

"That's encouraging, I said, "and it's kind of reassuring to see someone else playing the same dangerous game we are and getting away with it. I'll admit I feel a lot better."

"I think it helped me that way a little too."

I noticed that Jason had not mentioned Shirley, Carla and Timmy's mother, and I refrained from mentioning it. I wanted to, though; I needed to know how all of it affected the member of the equation corresponding to me. I had intended to get together with Shirley and chat it over when I first learned of their incestuous habits; now I would make a point of it. First I checked with Jason to learn from Carla and Timmy whether or not Shirley would appreciate being asked about it. Given that she knew about Jason and me, she would be fine with it, I was told.

A few days later I sat across the patio table in her back yard, next to their swimming pool. We had plenty of other interesting pleasantries and topics to chat about, so it was some time before the main subject came up. As I had been told, she was perfectly comfortable with the subject, knowing, of course, that I was hardly one to criticize.

"I have to admit to a burning curiosity about how it started with you," I said. "Jason and I slid into it in a pretty elaborate way, with a lot of unusual factors, like those photographs the guys were enjoying, and all that. I suspect your story is a lot different."

"A lot different, and a lot simpler," she said, easily and comfortably, sipping at her coffee. "This may surprise you, given that I, and Daryl when he was alive, believe in God and practice the religion we believe in. Of course, our intrafamilial shenanigans are not exactly the stuff of the weekly church bulletins. It's a fact that there are actually organized groups of people who believe that things like swinging and such are morally OK. Check it on the Internet sometime. They believe much the way Daryl and I believe, or in his case, believed, that most religions, particularly Western ones, are wildly oppressive and overbearing on sexual matters. We contend that it's certain highly influential men with highly influential sexual hang-ups that are at the root of it. Not God. When we tried some sexual adventures with some other people we looked back on the experience and decided that there was nothing we had done that we needed to be ashamed of. Not in God's eyes, and those are the only ones that matter

"Mind you, though, incest was an exception. At the time we considered that as awful as most everyone does, but it just didn't come up on conversation; it was a nonentity for us, some distant affair far removed from us and civilization.

"Then Daryl had his accident. I was pretty well broken up about it--well, you know that very well; you are one of the blessed souls that helped me through it. In time I got back to feeling human again. I dated a bit, but didn't have very good experiences. Just hooked up with some losers. Sort of like Kay Parker in the first

Taboo

."

"The what?" I asked.

"Movie. Classic. About a mother slipping into sex with her son. She had a string of lousy experiences after her husband disappeared too."

"OK. So then...?"

"One part of our liberal sexual attitudes was that we insisted on bringing up our children with an absolute minimum of sexual inhibitions. The ones we did teach are more about human respect and dignity, rather than sex in particular, things that apply elsewhere in life. But, in general, we taught them that when people of mature age, mentally competent, consenting, unselfishly motivated and reasonably responsible about whatever consequences might apply to a situation decide to enjoy sex, in some form or other, it's almost certainly a good thing."

"I like the sound of that," I said. "I can't say I my folks were quite that liberal, but I'm grateful they didn't stuff my noggin full of the crap so many others have."

"Good. There is so much unnecessary pain in the world because people mindlessly perpetuate the gloomy pronouncements of sour and disillusioned men who have been dust for centuries."

"Very poetic."

"Thank you. So, anyway, we gave them that message, but we never thought about how to advise them about incest, or we'd have told them it's an exception to the rule. It's just as you were saying: dangerous enough and unpredictable enough that the world is best off shunning it altogether.

"One night, a bit less than a year ago, the three of us finished watching a movie that had a lot of sexual themes in it. Not porn, just lots of sex. Since talking about sex had never been at all difficult for us, our conversation after it was over turned in that direction. It seems that the movie had stoked our fires just a little, just enough to loosen us up a bit more than usual.

"There had been a minor subplot in the movie that touched on incest, rather obliquely, but enough that after conversing about other aspects of it, incest came up. There was no problem with it; we talk about everything.

"However, this time, Timmy seemed to be subtly steering the subject away from the fictional story of the movie and toward actual cases. He was musing about statistics of incest, effects, how likely it might be, or not be, that some families we know might be shagging together behind their closed doors. I still thought nothing much about it. Why should I? He was still talking about the outside world, about a subject of significance.

"Then he started getting toward the effects of it, how it might affect people, for good or bad. About then I got my first twinges of concern. He wasn't bringing the subject home, exactly, but the chance that he might, just might, be headed that way, set off a few quiet alarm bells.

" 'I suppose there might be,' I said. 'It's hard to say. I don't know much about it. If there's one thing about our species, it's that there are very few absolute rules about anything that can be said to apply to everyone, always.'

" 'That's what I was thinking,' Timmy said. 'It just seems that, for certain people, it might not be damaging, and if it isn't damaging, it might be a lot of fun.'

" 'I suppose so. The trouble is, though, how to know if you're one of those certain people. If you can't, and you jump into it, it seems you can get pretty badly burned.'

" 'Exactly. I was just...well, a little intrigued about the subject. Academically, I mean,' he added quickly, sensing my reservations. 'I just wonder, that's all.'

" 'Maybe you can find some views on the Internet. Actually, I'm

sure

you can find views on the Internet. What I mean is, maybe you can find some that are sensible enough to be worth the reading.'

" 'Actually, I have,' he said.

"More alarm bells. This is not the first time he's thought of this.

" 'Most of them are blistering condemnations, as you might imagine,' he continued. 'But not all.'

"Then he went on to give the short version of his conclusions, which just happen to be essentially the same as you and I just talked about. I don't know exactly why, but it was starting to come home to me already, very quickly, as I realized that most of that noise about it was part of that same programming handed to us by our forebears, passing on what their own forebears delivered to them. A vague sense was coming over me, the sense that, if we felt like it, we would not be doing anything all that terrible if we tried it and saw what kind of feelings came about. I don't mean that uncertainty we talked about before; only whether or not we found it pleasurable, and without unpleasant aftereffects. I wasn't about to say that to the kids, though.

" 'I suppose that, for the right people, at the right time, I might...well, might, maybe, be OK,' I told them.

" 'What do you think, Carly?' I asked.

" 'Well, I have to admit it's a bit out there, know what I mean? I don't really know. Maybe so.'

"The thoughts were starting to well up in me. It's like a whole new door was opening, but with moats and dragons all around it. If you could escape those, what lay beyond might be very interesting. I didn't want to let the subject go. There was some more thoughtful silence.

" 'Actually that makes good sense to me. If the people know what they're getting into...not in the physical sense, necessarily...' They laughed at that. 'and things are in good shape in their ordinary lives, maybe they should just go for it.'

"The kids were slack-jawed at my sudden resolution.

" 'You really think so, Mom?' Carly asked, hesitantly.

" 'Well, do you see any problems with that?'

" 'It's just that you decided this so fast,' Carly said after quite a bit of thought. 'But it seems to me that you are making some sense.'

" 'I get the feeling that this whole thing has been bouncing round your subconscious somewhere and all we've done is pull it out,' Timmy added. 'It was awfully fast. Not that that's any real problem.'

"There was more than just sense in me now. I lay back and just relaxed a bit, to let the small air of tension in the room subside. There was a little more desultory chatter, then a break. I made my move.

" 'Timmy? Carla?'

"They turned toward me. I waited until I had their full attention. I was barely able to believe my own actions as my fingers found their way to the buttons on my blouse. At the first realization of what was happening I saw stunned looks on their faces, disbelief, but not disapproval. They did not turn away.

" 'Your father and I have said it before: if what you're doing is worthwhile, give it everything you've got, or don't bother. And you know that applies especially to sex.' I studied their faces a moment. 'So, if we are going to become lovers, then let's love with all the love we have to give. Hold nothing back.'

"I only undid three of the buttons. I let the blouse fall open, then leaned slightly toward Timmy. I knew he could see the full curve of my breast through my sheer bra. I halted, leaving him to know that he was expected to do something.

"His eyes were locked on that gap in my unbuttoned blouse. I saw his hand rise, then hesitate. I gently pulled the blouse open a little more. His hand moved again, into the gap, and in a moment I felt the touch of his fingers upon my nipple passing through the thin fabric of my bra.

" 'How does that feel, Timmy?' I asked, very slowly and softly. His breath was irregular as he replied.

" 'It's...it's so new. I'm not quite sure I believe it. I'm not sure what to say.'

" 'Just keep on doing what you're doing. When you're ready to tell me, go ahead.'

"He did just that, and I felt trembling in his touch. I glanced at Carly, not sure what she was thinking, but she was bemused as well. Her own nipples were suddenly sharp and clear pressing through her shirt. Timmy was now moving over my breast, squeezing and caressing it with his full hand.

" 'Mom, I have to say, this is really...special. I mean, in a good way. What I mean is, this is wonderful!'

" 'I hear shaking in your voice. Is it safe to say that touching me is turning you on?'

" 'You bet, and I'm sure you can hear the very same thing in your own voice.'

" 'I can, and for the same reason.'

"That was damn right, too. The moment his finger touched my nipple, it was like touching a match to rocket fuel! In mere seconds my insides felt like jelly, shivering, quaking, delighted jelly.

" 'Do you feel anything bad about this?' I asked him.

" 'Nothing whatsoever, Mom.'

" 'How about you, Carly?' I asked.

" 'May I borrow your consort there for a moment, Mom?' she asked in reply.

" 'Of course, dear.'

"Timmy turned to his sister, and she took his hands in hers. She stopped a bit, letting her feelings settle, and then kissed both his hands and pressed them to her breasts.

" 'Can you feel my nipples, Timmy?'

" 'Very plainly, Carly. I love it.'

" 'Now, dear brother, be honest. Have you ever seen my nipples pressing through my clothes like this? Did that attract you, maybe even excite you a little bit?'

" 'Uh, well, yeah, there have been a few times that happened, yes, just a little, maybe.'

"Carly seemed amused by his hemming and hawing. I saw her lean forward and kiss him, just a little quick and gentle kiss, but a heartfelt kiss all the same.

" 'You're fudging, dear brother. I know for a fact that there were at least a couple of times when I wore some things that let them show through a lot, and you practically tripped on your tongue trying to look without me knowing you were looking.'

" 'I did not!'

" 'Did so!'

" 'Did not!'

" 'Did so!'

"I could see they were playing a little game, deliberately acting out a little child's style of argument at the very moment brother's hands were touching sister's breasts. The contrast made the illicit allure of this even more exciting.

" 'Actually, in all honesty, sister, I did just that. If you had looked, you'd have seen that I had a hell of a hard-on right then. Because of you.'

" 'I did see, Timmy,' she said to him, very softly and tenderly.