"Happy birthday, Viv," I grin, snapping one last picture of my stepdaughter as she poses with her cupcake. She gives me a cute smile and blows out the 'nineteen' candle in its center, giggling as a round of applause erupts from nearby tables. There may be a storm outside, but here in the restaurant it's cozy and cheerful as people clap along, joining in our little celebration.
"Thank youu," she smiles shyly to the strangers, giving them a small wave. She's so sweet and kind, it's no wonder people like her everywhere we go. I sneak in another photo, suppressing a pang of regret -- she just looks so much like her mother sometimes. It kills me every day that things didn't work out between us, but at least I've got my Vivian again.
She looks back to me, her big brown almond-shaped eyes alight with excitement. A slender young woman of medium height, she wears her silky dark hair long, her bangs swept to the side, her features cute and petite from her Vietnamese heritage.
"Soo, what did you wish for?" I ask, leaning in.
"I can't tell you, come on," she scoffs with a scandalized laugh. "If I do then I don't get my wish. And you're not costing me a wish, mister."
She grins, carefully putting the cupcake away in her to-go box.
"Fine fine fine. What are you doing, though -- you're not gonna eat it? I brought the candle so you could have it here."
"No, I'm full...we can have it later," she says, sucking frosting off her finger.
"Later? I'm going to bed!" I tease.
"Dad! Come on; we both know you aren't," she says with an annoyed tick of the tongue. I laugh. She's right, of course -- it's been awhile since we could celebrate one of her birthdays, what with her mom and I splitting up and all. Now that she's living with me for school, though, we have a tradition to reinstate: 'movies til midnight.'
I shrug and let out a yawn. "Well we'd better get going then, or I'll be asleep before the first one ends."
"Fine. I'm driving," she springs up, an excited, mischievous look on her face.
"What? Viv it's..."
"I know I know, it's a new car, you just got it. Blah blah blah. I'll be careful!" she grins, pulling on her jacket.
"No, Viv, it's storming out...and dark. The roads are wet, and--"
"And you're sleepy," she counters with a winning smile. I'm already mid-yawn again, and I can't help but laugh. She got me there. I look her over, so happy and full of life. God how I've missed her.
"Alright alright, fine," I agree, gathering up my coat and dangling my keys. "But we're going slow."
She rolls her eyes as she takes them, leading the way out of the restaurant. "Yeah yeah Dad, I know..."
*
Sure enough, it's windy and wet out as we make our way home. I can't help but feel tense as Vivian leans over the steering wheel, peering out past the headlights, taking each turn just a bit too fast or a smidge too slow. I know she didn't get much driving practice while living with her mom...Kim is weirdly overprotective with her about some things, and absolutely absent on other issues. It's part of the reason for their strained relationship, I think -- the two really aren't all that alike.
She gives me a nervous glance from time to time, and I reassure her with a warm smile, keeping my apprehensions to myself. For six years I was her stability, a break in the revolving door of boyfriends her mom never seemed satisfied with. I suppose things didn't last with me, either...but still. I stuck around long enough to become 'Dad,' even after the divorce, and I'm proud of that.
It's a twenty minute drive through the woods back to my place, and we pass the time listening to whatever she likes on the radio, arguing about what movies we're going to watch.
"I don't want to watch anything *old*, though," she says, crinkling her nose. "Besides, it's my birthday, so I should get to pick the first one."
"Well I don't want to watch anything that's going to put me to sleep," I counter, easing back into my seat. I'm finally almost able to relax; just a few more miles to go.
"How about a musical?"
"Ugh!"
"Dad! Come on! You can't just say no to every--"
"Viv!"
The deer comes out of nowhere as she takes a too-fast turn; startled, she panics, swerving the car back the other way, losing control of it as we start to spin. She screams, and everything is a blur; all I can think to do is reach across and uselessly grab the wheel as we turn and turn again. My stomach feels like it's going to fly out of me, and at the same time it all feels so surreal, like I'm watching this happen to someone else.
Miraculously, we don't hit anything -- thank god for the pullout here. We come to a stop along the opposite shoulder of the road, pointed the wrong way, both of us shaking.
"Oh my god...are you okay sweetie?" I turn to her as soon as I'm able.
She's trembling all over, holding the wheel in a white-knuckle grip. She looks to me, eyes huge, and slowly nods her head. Then she bursts into tears.
"Oh honey, oh Viv..." I reach out, hugging her across the center console. She leans into me, sobbing against my shoulder; I stroke her hair, muttering reassurances and trying to calm down myself.
"C-could you drive the rest of the way, Dad?" she whimpers after a long minute.
"Of course, baby."
*
She's distraught when we get home, and I walk up the drive with my arm around her, the wind whipping at us, the storm only seeming to get worse. I tell her again and again it wasn't her fault, that it could happen to anyone, that we're safe and that's what matters.
She won't hear it; she's devastated, and she starts up anew when we discover the mangled remains of her cupcake.
"We can still eat it," I say with a small smile, trying to cheer her. It doesn't work -- she hurries back to her room, still in tears.
Fuck. I feel terrible. I shouldn't have let her be in that situation. I'd wanted to encourage her, to let her try something. I'd wanted to help her grow...I'd wanted to be a better parent than Kim.
The realization hits me, and it makes me feel even wore. Had I put Vivian up to something dangerous just for the sake of my own ego? I have to make this right, I can still save this birthday. Afterall, I'm here and Kim isn't -- she skipped town as soon as Viv got into college. I'm the one who stuck around. I'm Dad.
With a sigh and shake of my head, I go out to the living room and queue up one of those awful teen musicals she loves so much, microwaving a bag of popcorn as I pass through the kitchen.
