Session With The Therapist

It was something that I didn't ever plan. I didn't think about it at all in advance. Really. It just... happened.

"You had to think about it as it happened though."

Yes. Yes, that's true. You're right. I know what you're thinking. That it doesn't matter that I didn't plan it if I was aware of what was happening, and I let it happen anyway. But... .

"Go ahead."

You just don't understand.

"Well then, help me understand."

You're not going to. I mean, there's my telling you what happened, and that will sound one way. Then, there's what was felt.

(Silence.)

And that... well that changes everything.

"How does it change everything?"

We were just close, you know? Always had been close. When he was growing up. After he went away to school. After he graduated from college even. I don't know how to explain it to you. Make you understand.

(Silence.)

We talked about anything. Everything. Love, hopes, money, music. It didn't matter. And we talked every few days. This was something I didn't have with anyone else. Anyone, you know?

"You mean you didn't have it with your husband."

Okay... yes. I didn't have it with him either. I mean, that wasn't who I was necessarily referring to, but... . No, definitely not with him. You gotta understand, even if I died, the way my husband would notice is if he read about it in the Times.

"And this is your son's father?"

Yes, you know that though already. Okay, I get that already. Yes, it's my son's father.

"Do you think your husband would describe you as distant from him?"

Listen, if you want to stick up for him, then you can get him in here to write a check for your fee.

"My point is that there is work, no doubt, for you and your husband on your relationship there."

And I would work on that if... . If there were any sign from him that he wanted that.

"You see, it's important that you understand that you have this emotional, and well, this intimate void with your husband when this happens between you and Brian."

(She stares at him a moment.)

Yes, I do understand that.

"Okay. Go ahead. I want you to tell me what happened."

I had actually talked to Brian about this very thing. This void. And, I... uh... I got upset.

"How so?"

I cried. I told him how I missed how things used to be. My life felt like it was spinning away. I told him. I shared with him.

"How did he react?"

Like he always does. Exactly right, you know? I mean, he consoled me. He hugged me. He held me.

"What happened next?"

He held me until I had stopped crying, and it just felt so special. So close. I looked up at him. His eyes were kind. His lips were close to me. And, I just... I wanted to show him that I appreciated his being there, I guess. I kissed him.

"You kissed him?"

Yes, I mean, he didn't really kiss me. I kissed him. It felt natural at first. Tender. Loving. I felt safe, and... well, I let it linger, I guess.

"Linger?"

I know.

(Silence.)

I felt him respond when I didn't pull away.

"What do you mean?"

He sorta like kissed me back. His lips pressed to mine.

(I look down.)

I parted my lips.

"How did he react?"

Well... . He uh he seemed to pause. Then, he kissed me more. I mean, he kissed me like uh more like passionately.

(Silence.)

I felt a reaction like I hadn't felt in some time. My mind raced. But, I felt this incredible sense of excitement that this was happening. I couldn't believe it.

"Did you think to yourself you must stop?"

(Long stare at him.)

I did think I should stop.

"And?"

He pulled me tighter into his arms. I wanted to see what he would do, I guess.

"But what did you do?"

I uh just cupped my hand to the back of his neck.

"But it wasn't like you resisted?"

No, I didn't.

(Silence.)

He kissed down my neck. I felt his hands go to my sides, and I did think I should pull away.

"Did you try?"

No, I know I should have. He pulled my dress like he was hiking it up to my hips. His face went to where my cleavage was exposed.

"How was your cleavage exposed?"

The top couple of buttons to my dress were... um undone.

"And, you were at his apartment?"

Look, do not make it sound like that. Do not. It was a warm day. This is a sundress, okay?

"So, you typically undo both upper buttons?

(Pause.)

What are you saying? Are you trying to make me a liar? I told you I did not plan this.

"Listen, I'm not saying you deliberately did."

No, I didn't.

"Is it fair to say that you cared about being attractive when you went to see him?"

You have no idea what it's like. You men. You have no concept what it is like to be a woman and to walk around in this world. I care about whether I'm attractive every time I walk out my door, sir.

"But, I want you to answer me honestly. It's important. Did you go to his Brian's apartment aware of looking as you did?"

What do you mean?

"Maybe we should stop today."

No, wait. Just... . Okay, yeah, I mean, I wanted to look attractive just as I would anyway.

"Was this sundress a favorite of your's?"

(Silence.)

"Did it make you feel particularly attractive?"

(Silence.)

"Did you block him from moving your skirt up?"

No. No, I didn't.

"What did he do?"

Well, he got to a certain point and he... well he kinda chuckled some.

"Chuckled? Why?"

I didn't stop him. And... . Well, he realized I wasn't wearing any panties.

(Silence.)

He pulled down his jeans.

"What did you do?"

I watched him.

"Did you try to cover yourself? Where were your hands?"

My hands were... I think they were on his shoulders.

(Pause.)

He pulled my legs closer to him, which brought me further to him on the couch.

"Was he exposed?

Yes.

"What did you do to try to stop this?"

(Silence.)

"How did you feel at that time?"

(Looking away.)

I... I ... (deep breath) felt very aroused.

He brought his face back to mine and he started kissing me again. One of his hands went between my legs and felt me there.

"Did you react?"

Well, no. I mean. I didn't do anything, except maybe shudder. I knew. I knew he could tell how wet I was.

He lifted my legs some, and I felt him lodge there. I gasped like... you know... I suddenly realized what this meant. I mean, he had penetrated me. He was inside me. My mind just spun. I felt my body like seem to react on its own. My legs parted further, and I heard myself grunt.

"Did you say anything to try to stop this? Do anything?"

No. I gripped his shoulders. I felt him move deeper into me. I hadn't felt a man in a long time.

He propped his hands beside my head like he was supporting himself to hover over me. The pause sorta let me adjust to him, and I did start to speak. I don't know what I was going to say.

"What did he do?"

He moved forward over me so that his torso moved over my face and my legs had to lift to accomodate him. He was burying himself completely in me.

It was like nothing I had ever felt before. I spasmed. I cried out. I felt like he had completely taken me.

He pushed more, even though he was deep inside me. I felt, like, waves of an orgasm and I literally got dizzy. I was overwhelmed.

He pulled just back. And, for a second, I thought he was going to stop. Instead... .

(Silence.)

He started thrusting inside me. My mouth opened wide, but I don't know if I was loud or not. I was kinda in shock. He was just taking me over and over again.

I tried to make sense of what was happening, but all I really did was just move with him.

Before long, he started going even faster.

I didn't expect it, but I came again.

This time I think my reaction must have set him over the edge. He started groaning as I was crying out again. I could feel some little kick there where he must've been releasing himself inside me.

Finally, it's like he grinded into me, wanting to stay buried in me. Another orgasm rolled over me as he pressed inside.

I just clung to him. He was panting. I must've been, too. He kissed my cheek. I closed my eyes. I was so overcome with it all.

(Long pause and silence.)

"What did you feel afterwards?"

I don't know.

"Why do you think this happened?"

I've tried to figure that out. There's a part of me that says that it was like some natural progression.

"A natural progression?"

Yeah, like a next step.

"What was it the next step of?"

Our closeness. Mine and his.

"As we sit here, do you understand that it's unhealthy when you become that emotionally close with Brian that you feel... feel that it's a natural step to then have sex with him?"

Listen, I know that. No one knows that better than me. A part of me asks though---where? I mean, at what point do I stop sharing thoughts or feelings with him? I have shared with him. He has with me. We are adults now. If I get to the point where I can be emotionally that close to him, and he's that close to me, then what happens when he wants to be physically close, when he wants to act on that?

"But you are his mother. You have a role, a responsibility. Even as adults. Don't you want to preserve that? Have you thought about that?"

Of course. I've thought about that. Of course.

The reality is that... on that day, on that couch with him I... .

Listen, that was what I wanted. I wanted what he did. I wanted him to do it. I want him to do it again if he wants.