Chapter 14: Conflict
The evening was quiet and mellow in the house. After his curious interaction with Kendall in the study, Shawn stuck to his room and gamed with his buddies until it was dark outside. He found it odd that Kendall suddenly became distant from that point forward, and it was hard to focus on his game while his mind recounted her strange behavior. She never knocked on his door, messaged, or spoke to him for the rest of the day.
Shawn huffed as he removed his headphones and put his computer to sleep. The feeling in his stomach told him he should say something to her before they both went to bed for the night, but he feared Kendall pushing him away if he approached her too soon. A lingering nervousness that she purposely avoided him all day festered within.
"What the hell were they talking about in there?" He mumbled irritably to himself at his desk.
Shawn grabbed his phone to compose a message to her and quickly dropped it back on the desk, realizing that was a dumb idea because she was right next door. He finally sighed and stomped into his bathroom to get ready for bed. As Shawn brushed his teeth, his thoughts ran rampant, and ideas of something dreadful being said between Kendall and their mom filled his mind. Shawn knew their parents were not onto them, seeing as he was still breathing, but whatever they talked about affected Kendall enough to make her avoid him the rest of the day.
He rinsed his mouth and stared into the mirror, wondering why he couldn't find the bravery to walk down the hall and talk to her. It was a battle between giving Kendall the appropriate space and wanting to know what changed her behavior. His mind kept returning to her expression and how she quickly wiped his hand off her in front of their parents. Shawn knew Kendall was only following the rules, but it was hard to deal with his touch being rejected so swiftly, even for appearances.
Sliding into his bed, Shawn couldn't help but think about how badly he wanted Kendall to be at his side. He missed her warmth and delicate touch already. The smell of her hair and the feeling of her soft skin fabricated themselves in his imagination as he stared at the ceiling. Consequently, the only part of his fantasy world that was truly impossible was the world accepting them. As baffling as it was to think about how the rest of it had somehow come true in the span of a weekend, Shawn knew they would never be able to tell anyone, least of all their parents.
With his hands folded behind his head and his eyes on the ceiling, Shawn's thoughts raced over how long he and Kendall could hide their relationship from everyone. What happens five years from now? Or ten? How was he supposed to marry her if things went that far? All he could think about was how he wanted Kendall to be with him for the rest of their lives. But what if she didn't feel the same way? What if today was officially the beginning of her doubts?
The sound of the door gently opening broke Shawn's spiraling thoughts. He turned to see Kendall quietly shutting his door and placing her back against it with her hands folded behind her butt. She wore an oversized t-shirt with nothing beneath it.
"Hey," Shawn sat up, relieved and nervous to see her.
"Hey," Kendall whispered with a distraught expression, staring at him from afar.
"Are they asleep?" Shawn asked hesitantly.
Kendall nodded, still not moving from the door. Her behavior made him nervous, and he wondered why she didn't approach him.
"You just gonna stare at me...?" Shawn asked with a slight attitude after being ignored and made to worry all day.
Kendall slowly crept toward his bed, climbing past his legs and sitting with her back against the wall. Her face looked troubled as her eyes looked him over.
Shawn studied her face, trying to think of what to say as they stared silently at one another. It concerned him that she deliberately sat out of reach from him.
"Hey- um, listen..." He began awkwardly, "I'm not ignoring you. It just seems like you needed a little space today."
"I know. Thanks..." Kendall responded quietly.
"So... What's going on? Are you okay?" Shawn's words crept, trying not to be oblivious or insensitive.
Kendall's eyes sank to the bed. She didn't answer.
"It's about Mom and Dad, isn't it?" He finally asked, not wanting to drag this out any further.
Kendall's gaze shot back up to his, and her expression was harrowing. Shawn stared at her and swallowed, waiting for her to say something. His stomach twisted, worried that something might happen to their relationship tonight. Kendall suddenly covered her face with her hands, scrunching her knees against her chest.
"Do you know what it'll do to them if they ever find out?" She wept into her hands, her voice breaking.
Shawn watched her cry, feeling the weight of his selfish, fucked up desires that blinded him from ever considering the damage they'd cause their parents. His heart broke as Kendall did before him, wishing there was a way to make her pain disappear. But Shawn understood fully what he and his sister were doing would destroy their family forever. He knew that his warped lust toward Kendall would never have happened if he had been a normal brother to her, and his abnormal feelings caused her suffering.
"Listen," Shawn swallowed hard, realizing it was time to put his family before himself if it meant Kendall wouldn't have to suffer anymore.
Kendall looked up from her hands with crying eyes as he spoke up.
"If this is too much, we don't have to-"
"
I don't want that, idiot!
" Kendall suddenly yelled furiously.
Shawn's eyes shot open as her voice rose, not expecting her reaction. His gaze flicked toward the door, nervous their parents would hear them.
"God, you're so stupid," Kendall groaned, wiping her eyes and sniffing, struggling to halt her crying.
Shawn didn't have the bravery to say anything. He sat in silence, watching her wipe her face dry.
"Shawn..." Kendall quieted her tone, staring into his eyes.
He looked over her nervously, waiting for her to speak again, his emotions racing.
"I am so in love with you it scares me," she whimpered, fighting to hold back her tears, "but that doesn't make what we're doing okay. You're always worried about what Dad will do to you, but you will survive whatever he does."
Shawn held his breath and listened to her feelings spill out.
"What we're doing?" Kendall's eyes glistened as her voice cracked, "they will never heal from this. It will ruin them forever!"
Shawn crumbled within, not realizing their betrayal weighed so heavily on Kendall. After spending so much of his life obsessing over and lusting after her, he never thought about the consequences of deceiving the people who loved and trusted them. Kendall was selfless, full of love, and always thinking of others before herself. She never wanted to hurt another soul, especially her family. On the other hand, Shawn allowed his twisted desires for her to blind him over the years. He grotesquely reflected on himself in silence as Kendall made her feelings known.
