One
I'll tell you when I first realized I had this power over him.
We were at Splash Gorge, the overpriced water park, for Sandra's birthday.
My brother and I are not in the habit of going to the same birthday parties, but Sandra is my friend and her older brother is friends with Christian, my brother.
So we were at the water park, which I wasn't looking forward to - I don't love water and am terrified of heights. I also hate parks, crowds and people; and don't enjoy spending time with my brother.
But it was Sandra's desire for her birthday, so a bunch of us met there around noon and spent six, sweltering hours going up stairs and down slides, and splashing around in pools.
It ended up being quite fun, like most things in life that you don't look forward to.
But there was this one slide, called The Kraken.
It was a waterslide made to look like a giant squid, with near-vertical drops, and an endless loop of concentric rings.
We had to line up for this mega-slide for, like, an hour.
I was wearing a tiny bikini and already sunburned as a result. And the staircase provided little shade from the sun.
The slide was so popular that people were jumping onto it from the top - either on their own, or in twos - without the slightest thought for their own safety.
I mean, not that it wasn't safe, but people just seemed so gung-ho about it, while I was terrified.
I'd been in turmoil all the way up the steps.
I shouldn't have agreed to go on it at all, but it only became too intense when we were halfway up, and by that point I was too scared to look down, let alone return to earth.
My brother was about eight people behind me in line.
We didn't make eye contact, but he told me later that he could see I was feeling anxiety.
I've had panic attacks in the past -
I think my Mom told you?
So we get to the top of the stupidly high slide and I'm practically having a heart attack, because it's my turn to climb on - which the entire crowd is expecting me to do, without a second thought - to keep the line moving.
I'm pretty much peeing myself with fear at this point.
And I'm expected to throw myself down as casually as everyone else.
My brother pushes past the strangers ahead of him in line, and jumps onto the slide behind me at the last minute; clamping me safely between his legs, and holding his arms tightly around me; like a human seatbelt.
I don't think he knew how much I appreciated it.
And I don't appreciate anything.
I didn't say anything at the time because I was too busy screaming for the ride down.
The freak slide seemed to go on forever.
Every time I thought the worst part was over, there would be an even steeper drop, or more accelerating turn.
But my brother held me tightly in his grip the whole way.
As a result I didn't feel like I was going to fly off - which is my big, irrational fear on slides.
The final part of the slide deposits you in a shallow swimming pool.
The last few turns slow you down, but the ramp at the end hurls you face-first into the pool.
I got the worst of it because I was the first to enter the water, and my brother had to push me under so that he didn't arrive on top of me.
I got dunked and resurfaced, and my brother did the same a few seconds later.
But to my surprise, as he stood up - and as his waist emerged from the surface of the water - I saw the clear outline of his penis beneath his speedos, and it was
hard.
The way the yellow Lycra emphasized its shape and size was glaringly obvious, and pretty indecent.
I mean, it wasn't a full-on boner, because it was held tightly against his body by the wet fabric. But it was the vivid outline of a lot more than a semi.
It filled his yellow speedos to the brim - like there was an actual banana down there.
He knew it too, because he glanced down and immediately sank back into the water, to linger for a while - despite it being a pool designed for people to land in, not spend any time.
A couple of women actually landed on top of him shortly afterwards.
Sandra wanted us to leave for the wave pool, so I don't know how long it took for him to get out.
But it was weird, and I couldn't stop thinking about it after that.
I wasn't thinking about his dick exactly.
I was thinking about
why
it would go like that.
Why would holding onto his sister make him hard?
He wasn't hard before we rode the slide, so it could only have been his body pressed against mine that made this happen.
Did I mention I was in a tiny, string-bikini? And that his speedos were super skimpy? There had been a lot of flesh touching flesh.
I realized I must have turned him on.
Would the same thing have happened to
any
brother, on
any
water slide, if their sister was wearing a flimsy bikini?
It was difficult to know.
But for me it was a wake-up call.
I realized for the first time that my brother had a weakness.
One that I could exploit to my advantage.
My grown-up body held a power over him - the sort of power I had always longed for, but never found.
If I was clever about it, I could make sure it was his undoing.
I should probably give you some background...
Two
My brother was always the favorite.
He was the scholar. The good looking one. The kind one. The gifted one, The one who got to ride shotgun.
The one who had the bigger room, better toys, better computer, and more expensive clothes.
He received the first serving of ice cream, as well as the last; and most of the ones in between.
He got the best grades, best compliments - and for at least the first 15 years of our shared youth, appeared to have the superior genes.
He was just the better human out of the two of us.
He was considered a "high achiever," which basically meant - although nobody came out and said it - that I was a "low" one.
I was the crazy one. The lazy one. The disruptive and destructive one.
I was told I had reading, then learning, then attention difficulties; and when those would no longer fit, that I had behavioral ones.
Oh
and a lack of empathy.
My father once accused me of trying to derail my brother's success.
It was like he had given up on the chance of me achieving anything myself and his remaining guidance was just:
don't get in the way of your brother achieving things.
That was my childhood in a nutshell.