Cuff (Cuthbert) Stone, a laid-back 18-year-old waiting to go to college in California, couldn't believe it when his parents told him they'd leased the house and were moving to the small town of Briscoe in the northern Oklahoma for the summer.
"But we are city people," he protested. "We don't do country."
"It doesn't matter where we go providing we get out of here," said his stepmom.
"I'm pregnant and your father is so embarrassed in his position of Professor of Ethics at the seminary."
Cuff scratched his balls and said he didn't see any connection in that statement between his stepmom's pregnancy and his father's academic standing.
Edward left the room and Charlotte said, "You can see how embarrassed he is. It was bad enough when at 53, a widow, he married me and I was only thirty. But I carefully displayed humility and conservatism until I became accepted here and your father stopped telling me that our marriage had been his life's most unfortunate experience but it had been his considered choice."
"That was gross of him."
"Tone it down young man; I fully understood the position we were in four years ago and worked hard at stabilizing him."
"What attracted him to you; was it your tits?"
Charlotte turned a bit pink in the face.
"You are the walking epitome of vulgarity Cuff and I dislike it."
He grinned and goaded, "You are so upright mom that you're boring but I guess being with dad is partly responsible for that."
"Shut up Cuff; you don't understand. I was treated like someone with the plague when I was brought into this community and it was a wonder your father wasn't pelted with stones. You would have thought I was a hooker."
"Oh you weren't; then what were you?"
"You know that I was a librarian and that's a profession unlikely to harbor hookers. Anyway you should not be using that word."
"Who's the dad? I've noticed the Reverend Masefield eyes you a lot."
Charlotte picked up a hardcover book off the coffee table and threw it at her stepson.
He ducked and the book thudded against a vase of flowers on the sideboard.
The explosion sound of shattering crystal and loud thump of the solid base hitting the polished floorboards followed by his wife's scream sent Edward running back into the room.
"What have you done to your mother?" he asked severely.
"Cuff hasn't done anything and took what I explained to him calmly," Charlotte said. "I picked up the book quickly and it um flew over from my hand and broke the crystal vase your aunt gave us as a wedding present."
Edward looked at his wife in alarm. He faced evidence of her lying to him for the first time to his knowledge.
"And there was no provocation?"
"No," said his wife.
"Yes," said his son unhelpfully.
"I can't believe my family is lying to me," Edward said sadly. "I suppose he delivered a smutty remark when you told him that this religious community does not accept that a man of my age should be involved in sexual relations."
"Yes I provoked mom when hearing about that stupidity."
"You did nothing of the kind Cuff. Edward I had not mentioned the barbaric attitude of people around here in expecting sexual abstinence of married couples after the age of thirty-five."
"One of you is lying again," Edward said mournfully. "And Charlotte you should stop criticising the moral mores of my brothers and sisters of this community."
"Cuff is right, that moral pressure of the community is so fucking stupid," Charlotte said, running from the room sobbing.
"She's pregnant dad; go after her and calm her."
"How is it that you know about these things and about what to do and I don't?"
"I guess it's my superior formal education coming to the fore dad. And I advise you to fuck mum to her full satisfaction for as long as you both that manage to do that."
"Cuff please close your mouth and keep it zipped," Edward said with the calmness of a stiff-backed moralist.
* * *
The family of three, Edward Stone, D.Phil., his much younger second wife Charlotte, with a MSc. in Nutrition, working as assistant manager of the seminary's catering division, and her anti-social stepson Cuff arrived in Briscoe in their Buick Enclave with overloaded trailer of possessions for the 3-month stay.
Charlotte always drove because Edward insisted on driving at 10 mph below the speed limit and applied road driving law so ridiculously correct that he'd remain stationary at a stop sign even when the only approaching vehicle was up to 300 yards away.
"Well there it is," Edward said grandly, at they looked down at the small city where he'd rented a house for three months to update the student handbooks on the modern approach to philosophy and the teaching guide to ethics, morals and values.
"How far is it to the nearest beach," asked his bored son, who in just under three months would go to his stepmom's former university in California where he hoped to make the top surfing team.
Edward replied: "Well work it out, the nearest beach from Oklahoma City is in Texas just over 500 miles away and in other directions San Diego and Florida are a little over 1000 miles away. My head has no data for the distance to Hudson Bay up north."
"Aw dad, why didn't you pick Malibu to do this writing project?"
"I was restricted to staying anywhere in this state."
"Then why this hole?"
"It fascinated me because one of my top students came from there and no one I spoke to had ever heard of Briscoe in Oklahoma and that intrigued me."
"Yeah it certainly looks like a ghost town."
"Shut up," Charlotte sighed. "There is no need to provoke your father.
"Is your baby kicking yet?"
"Shut the fuck up."
"Charlotte!"
"I'm turning around and driving back home," she cried.
"Mom people are shifting into our house today."
"Oh fuck, fuck," she wept.
"Suggest she allow you to drive dad," his son yawned, "That will shake her out of this melt-down."
It worked.
They drove up the sweeping drive to a large and imposing 2-level dwelling.
"Oooh it's a mansion," Charlotte cried excitedly, pushing her remnants of meltdown into history.
The sound of the vehicle brought two females to the entrance. They stood side by side almost at attention.
"That's Helma Brandt and her daughter Odette who share the ground floor of the house as custodians for the absentee owners," Edward said. "Under the terms of the lease agreement they cook and clean for us and provide maid services."