I had history with each of the people who were to appear in Babes in the Wood. In one sense or another I loved each of them. I had often fantasised about them, had already made 'normal,' adventure movies with John and Owen and Ben, masturbated under the covers and jumped from a swing naked in front of them I had masturbated together with Anna, and talked with Natalie about sex. And on top of that I regularly made all kinds of perverted movies of myself masturbating. They ranged from the raunchy and daring -- fully bent over and spread before the camera, thrusting my fingers in my pussy and then finger fucking my arse -- to the simple and more innocent versions depicting me strutting or dancing naked around my room. There were about two hours worth already.
All the ingredients for the movie were there and in that fantasy moment they came deliciously together.
In the days that followed I mulled the possibilities over in my mind. I scoured the internet for other people who had done something similar but could find nothing. It was as if I was the only sex-crazed teenager in the world. There was lots of porn of course, which I watched eagerly, particularly the amateur stuff which seemed more genuine and passionate. Seeing everyday people carnally engaged turned me on. Particularly when it was clear that what they were doing was pushing their own boundaries, or when they couldn't control the need in their voices. I like to hear the dialogue as they fucked, or prepared to fuck. The expression of their desire was what really turned me on, far more even than their bodies writhing naked together.
Eventually I came to the conclusion that there was nothing to be found. But I refused to give up on the idea. I thought about emailing a few porn directors with the offer, but didn't have the nerve. What porn impresario would take me -- a skinny eighteen year old girl -- seriously? I didn't even know yet whether I took my idea seriously. In my mind I did; but in reality...
Eventually I decided that the only way to make the movie I wanted to make, with the people I wanted to make it with, was to make it myself. If I could. I had over £1000 in my bank account which I could use to buy cameras and sound equipment, but I would need more to buy the sex toys, lubricants, condoms, décor and all the other things that would bring it up to the standard of my imagination.
The problem was not money -- I would have to get a job and scrimp and save all summer but it would be worth it -- but rather persuading my friends to take part. It's not exactly something you can drop into conversation.
"Oh, by the way, how about making a porn movie with me?"
Even if I did find a way to ask they could not do other than think I was mad. After all, I had already been in compromising situations with each of them bar Natalie, and yet no-one had taken the initiative further. It had been me leading and them following. Sometimes they hadn't followed at all.
The longer I thought about it, the more it seemed that this stumbling block would prove impossible. And yet I couldn't forget about it. The mere thought of filming myself riding Owen's cock had me breaking out in a cold sweat and sickness pooling in the pit of my stomach. Imagining the taste of Anna's pussy had me dry-retching with desire. Everything in my life felt as though it had been leading to this decision. Everything in my future would be determined by what I chose to do. Were it to happen, this movie would be the epitome of who I wanted to be, but how could I make it a reality? I felt as though I had been given a glimpse of heaven and then told to go and forget about it until I was dead.
How do we decide to do what we do? To others, it can seem that we make choices with our lives that they could never take. But it's not that complicated. We find ourselves falling into the things we are interested in without ever consciously making a decision to do so. Not just anyone could fall into mountaineering without first having an interest in walking, or the outdoors, or a network of people interested in doing so too. The same goes for anything. I never really decided to work in, and then open, a bookshop. It grew naturally from an interest in reading. Had one not had this interest to begin with, they would never have happened, but as I did, they became logical choices. The same was true with this movie. It was only my obsession with sex that led me to it. Had I not had these, the idea would never have even occurred to me. Yet because I was horny and in need of sexual contact with others it became a logical choice. From there, it was just a case of deciding to do so.
I had to do so.
The challenge would be to devise some way to convince my friends to join me, to come up with an offer that would convince them to sacrifice their bodies and minds to my every pornographic whim. Bribery. And not a small bribe either, it would have to be such a great sum of money that they would be blinded by the numbers and forget exactly what it was they were agreeing to. Would £5000 suffice? Or would it require more?
The figure was irrelevant in one sense. I could never hope to offer that kind of money. The gamble would be that if they believed I could, they would agree. And when we were finished, and they had had the time of their lives, perhaps they wouldn't be furious when I came clean and admitted that I couldn't pay anything.
I doubted it would work out like that but I would have to cross that bridge when I came to it. There seemed no other option.
I celebrated the momentous decision by filming myself sinking down onto a carrot, first one hole then the other, until I came.
As the only person to have ever really reciprocated my sexuality, not to mention my best friend, Anna was the natural first target for recruitment. We had never taken our activities as far as I would have liked, but had at least continued to masturbate together on Friday nights, sometimes naked, sometimes under the covers with the lights off, falling asleep to the sounds of each other's breathing. If there was anyone out there who would go along with me, surely it was her.
I planned the conversation meticulously: scripting it all with a series of possible responses from Anna and how they could be negated. Then I practised repeatedly, honing the arguments and building a story which could explain my strange request. When Friday came around I was prepared. The butterflies in my stomach were more active than any I had ever had: drunk on expectancy I could not control. Throughout the day I snapped at people and bickered; I was short of breath and inattentive. Eventually the end of school came, and Anna and I made our way home. I had bought a bottle of wine to encourage the surmounting of our inhibitions, and chosen a sexy movie to get us in the mood. I chose
Stealing Beauty
as it seemed appropriate for what I was planning. There can't be many more erotic sights than Liv Tyler's eyes as she is penetrated for the first time.
As soon as dinner was finished we were up in my bedroom and I had the bottle open and the movie in the player. It was only after a few hefty gulps of wine that I realised how wrong my reasoning was. Sure, Anna was my best friend. But by virtue of her being my best friend, if she responded badly to this it would be the greatest possible rejection. I should have started with Natalie, at least if she said 'no' then I wouldn't feel so rejected.
Except I didn't know Natalie well enough to be sure she wouldn't spread the story all over town and make life at school pretty uncomfortable. And yet...Anna could be trusted not to do that and as such she had to be the best person to talk to first. Ever since we were babies we had shared everything, to break that now would be a betrayal of trust which I could no condone. If Anna wasn't involved from the very beginning it would get the whole project off on the wrong foot.
I reasoned this through so intensely that I missed most of the movie. My mind was whirring too fast for my other senses to keep up. The end of the film came as somewhat of a surprise.
"Cool." Said Anna, turning to face me.
I wasn't ready to begin my spiel. "Isn't it?" I prevaricated.
"I liked it. But you didn't seem to be watching. Is everything okay?"
"I've seen it before; its no big deal."
"What's on your mind? You seem distracted."
"Oh, it's nothing. I was thinking, that's all."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"No, it's okay..."
She was about to speak again when I took a big swig of wine and found the courage to speak my mind. "Well actually there is something I wanted to talk to you about..."
"Go on."
"...you see, I know someone who has offered me a lot of money if I can make a movie for them."
"That sounds exciting."
"Wait, let me say what I have to say first."
"Sorry."
"You see, I need five other people to agree to be in the movie too, and this person will pay them each lots of money each for their services. But if we can't get these people to be in the movie then it is no go for everyone. The problem is..." I drained my glass and reached for the bottle. "...its not a normal movie and I don't know how to persuade people to be in it."
Anna said nothing. I hadn't prepared for this and began to panic. But it was too late to turn back. I stumbled on. "You see, it's a sexy movie and I don't know whether anyone I know would want to be involved in it."
Her eyes almost popped out of her head. "Like Stealing Beauty?"
"Sort of. Yes. But more so."
Her eyes nearly popped out of her head. "You mean pornography?"
I nodded.
"Oh Amelia, you wouldn't. It's...I mean, you don't need to...why?"
