Arriving in Ketchikan, we tied up to the dock. Jan and Carl went by taxi to the nearest grocery store to stock up on food. May took Anne and went to the harbormasters office to do some paperwork and pay the docking fee.
Julie and I were alone onboard. We were sitting in the dining area. I hadn't talked to her until now. I knew that we had some ground to cover between us. All those years of my not being there for her. Guilt washed over me as I remembered the last few days.
"Julie, I know I haven't been in your life. You have reason to hate me I guess, but for the record, your mother took you away and never let me contact you again. I used to send you letters and gifts on holidays and your birthdays. I think she never let you see them."
"Yeah. I used to watch her rip up your letters to me. I never saw any gifts from you, although I used to get some pretty good ones from her. I know now that they were probably from you. She couldn't have afforded what she gave me."
"If I had known I would have tried harder to get custody of you. I thought of you often over the years. I wondered...so much."
"Well, it wasn't all bad Bill. Mom was pretty fucked up, but she did love me in her way. When her boyfriend took me that one night...she...well, I think she was mad at me at first. Then she was real mad at him. He made all the promises and she took him back. Every time we were alone he would have me. I had no choice, and I was afraid of what he may have done had I told mom."
"Oh God...I am so sorry Julie. I never knew."
"Not your fault Bill. I learned that if mom was going somewhere, I either went along, or split over to a friend's house. The creep never got me that much."
"Once was too much Julie. Had I known, I would have fought tooth and nail for you. I did love you. Your mom did a good job of disappearing after the divorce. I tried to find you. The best I could ever do is give letters and gifts to her mom and hope that she would get them to you."
"I know now that you were not the monster mom made you out to be. I used to read trade magazines from the tech and computer sectors just to read about you. What kind of person you were. Not the same as knowing you in real life, but at least I knew something about you."
"You read about me in magazines?"
"Yeah. I knew your name and what you did. I knew you got married to that lady when you did. I also knew that you had no other children. I knew you were pretty well off financially. I knew all that I could gather up from articles in those magazines."
"Then why were you so...angry the other night? Why didn't you try to contact me before? Why did you do what you did the way you did it? I don't understand Julie, I would have done anything for you, still will as a matter of fact."
"Look, as far as I knew you were the big bad wolf. Up until yesterday I thought you were. I had been seeing that my perceptions of you were all off. The little warning bells about what I was doing with you, and to you, were the wrong things to do. I...I...I'm sorry Bill. I was wrong about you."
Julie had broken down and was crying. Her shoulders shook as her hands covered her face. I sat there not knowing what to do. I reached out to her and held her shoulders. Soon I pulled her into my arms and hugged her.
I said nothing. I just let her cry on my shoulder. I will admit I had a few tears in my eyes too. I had missed so much. Her growing up, birthdays, Christmases, all of those things that fathers are supposed to be there for.
I had guilt for her situation and my not having done more to find her and get her back in my life. We stayed like that for a long time. Soon she stopped crying, sniffles coming less and less often.
With my arms still around her, holding her tightly against me, I felt her arms go around my body. Her face pressed into my neck, her breath hot. I felt wetness from her tears on my shoulder and neck.
"You are a better man than any I have ever met Bill. I am sorry for lying to you about who I was. I was so wrong about you. I wanted to hurt you for not being there for me. I wanted to hate you."
"I can't say as I blame you. Your mother sure did her job in making you not like or think very much of me. I understand your feelings toward me...I guess. Why the sex thing though?"
"Firstly I was going to try to get you to fall in love with me. I was going to be the best sexual partner you had ever had. Then, just as you proposed to me I would have said no because fathers can't marry daughters. I wanted to hurt you in the most hateful way I could."
Stunned, I just sat there. My own daughter had hated me so much that she would have done that. I was at a loss for words. I broke away from her and walked over to the bar. I needed a drink to calm my nerves.
Julie followed me over and asked for a drink too. Figuring that we had both been pretty wound up I made them doubles. We sat in silence as me nursed our drinks and thoughts.
Finally, after finishing her drink, Julie stood. Her hands went to her blouse and began to unbutton it. I was dumfounded as she began to strip off her clothes. I could also feel the beginnings of an erection starting too.
"Uh...what are you doing Julie?"
"Stripping...Bill."
"I can see that. Why are you stripping?"
"I want to be naked. I want to be held. I want to be fucked. I want sex with someone who could love me. I want you to take me."
"We've been over this Julie, I am your father. You can't...you and I can't...we can't..."
"We can and we will Bill. I want you. You want me too, I can see that pretty clearly."
"It's not right Julie. We're related. Fathers and daughters can't...well, we can't have sex. It isn't right."
