People tend to think that death is final. That when you kick the bucket, you either go to Heaven or Hell. Then again, there are some who believe you keep getting reincarnated again and again until you get it right, whatever "it" is. And then there are those who say when your time's up, that's it. You're done. Nothing after that. I'm here to tell you that it's all bullshit. Yeah, there's a greater power out there. Call it God, or Goddess, or the Almighty. Fuck, call it Joe for all I care. It doesn't matter. This "Greater Power" is just as fucked up as we are here on Earth. How do I know? That's what I'm going to tell you.
Let me start at the beginning, which is actually my end. I'm Roger Forrester, don't worry about remembering that name, it doesn't matter anymore. I should probably have said, "I was Roger Forrester," for accuracy's sake.
Anyway, I lived and died in Dallas, TX. I was no one special. I was your typical 47 year old accountant who had been married over 20 years to a nag of a wife. I met my end as I was crossing the street downtown on my way to work. Fucking taxi blew the light and ran me over. And the fucker kept going. Next thing I know, I'm in this brightly lit waiting room. One second I'm dreading going to work, the next I'm there. What the fuck?
I have no idea how long I waited, time doesn't pass there. Eventually a woman in who was dressed in a white business suit enters and looks at me, looks down at her computer tablet, then back at me, then back... Fuck you get the idea. She did this like 6 times before she finally spoke.
"Hm, this can't be right. You're not supposed to be here. You're not supposed to die for another 19 years when you're fucking your neighbor's 18 year old granddaughter and you suffer that massive heart attack. I hate when the reapers take you guys earlier than they should! So much extra paperwork!"
I started to say something but she stopped me.
"Shut it! I need to fix this. Come with me. Come on, come on. I don't have all day."
I got up and ran after her. For a chick in high heels, she walked fucking fast. After a few minutes we arrived at this huge gray door with a massive knocker on it. She used the knocker to rap on the door 3 times and it swung open. I followed her in and there sat the oldest woman I've ever seen behind a rather plain looking desk. She was a flesh colored prune with white frizzy hair and a pair of thick glasses.
She looked up and me and said, "I am not a flesh colored prune."
I staggered back a bit when she said that. She fucking read my mind?
"Yeah, numb nuts, I read your mind. Sigh... Angela, did you tell him what's going on?"
"No, ma'am, I just brought him here. I don't have time to waste on this fuck up."
The old lady said, "Oh sure, dump your trash on me. All right, I see he'd be here anyway. Fine, go, I'll take care of it, but you're going to have to pay penance for that, you know."
Angela walked away waving her hand as if to say "whatever" and she disappeared. I mean, literally disappeared. Gone. Poof. No longer there.
I opened my mouth to say something, but the old lady interrupted me and said, "Before you talk, I know what you're going to ask. Yes, you're dead. No this isn't Heaven or Hell, it's purgatory. Souls who are plucked before their time come here. Most of the time you're not here for long, sometimes forever. You, dear Roger, aren't here for long. Aren't you the lucky one. Ok, let's get started. Grab a seat."
I felt a chair push up behind me and I was forced to sit.
I finally got in a word and said, "Wait a Goddamn minute! Just hold on!! I get that I'm dead - it's weird as fuck, but I kinda get it - but what the fuck is going on here???"
She looked up at me, peering over those glasses, and grinned.
"Oh, you're going to be one of those. Ok, I'm in the mood for it. It's simple: You were plucked too soon by a reaper, so we need to send you back. It happens way more often than you think. Some reapers are just too damn eager. My job is to find the appropriate vessel for you. One who is pretty much like you, so the shock for your soul and the vessel's soul is minimized. You're sent back down, you'll essentially "merge" with your new body and its soul, and you live out your life. And, no, you won't remember, neither will the vessel. Which is why I am tasked with find the appropriate vessel. Wrong vessel and, hoo-boy, major troubles. Anything could happen, none of it good. But it's ok, I found a good one in Denver, a bit younger, a little more fit, and he's got a really hot wife. This'll do."
"Wait, what..? I'm going to Denver?"
Shaking her head in frustration she said, "I can't explain it all to you, but someone will go down with you and explain it all."
She began writing on a notepad that looked ancient and then ripped off a piece of paper and handed it to me.
"Take this, do NOT lose it. Go back out that door, someone will meet you. Bye bye."
And then poof. Bye bye.
I got up and did as I was told, more confused than ever. Purgatory? Denver? Vessel? Fuck.
The door opened and there stood Angela.
She looked at me and said, "Oh this fucking great. FUCK YOU, YOU OLD CRONE! Penance... dammit. All right, where is she sending you? Denver. I hope you like cold weather and bad football. Heh."
And off she went and I followed. As we rounded a corner, she collided with another person who was escorting a young woman. They fell to the ground in a heap. I wasn't too upset, but I did the gentlemanly thing and I didn't laugh.
Picking herself up off the ground, she grabbed the piece of paper, and said, "Ow. Gina, I'm sorry, I was in a rush to get to the right spot to get rid of this guy. The Crone is making me pay penance here. The fucking dried up old bitch."
A speaker boomed, "I heard that!"
Now I laughed.
Angela said, "I'll make it up to you, Gina. Coffee later? That little place in San Francisco?"
Gina said, "Deal! Have fun with your guy!"
And Gina and her charge were gone. (Yep, poof.)
Angela said, "Ok, let's get this done. Stand there, don't move."
I did as she asked , she took the piece of paper, and slapped it on my forehead. Ow!
The next thing I see is a pink bedroom. I'm laying in a bed with one motherfucker of a headache. I groan and try to get out of bed, but I feel like I'm being held down. I look over and I see a blue fuzzy face staring back at me and I screamed. Not a manly scream either, but a high pitched girly one. I fall out of bed and then I see what scared me. A Goddamn stuffed animal. I stand up on shaky legs and I see a bed covered in stuffed creatures of all types. A furry convention exploded in this bedroom. I was starting to look around and then I heard a voice behind me.
"Oh, you have got to be fucking kidding me!!"
I turned and there stood Angela. A very pissed off Angela!
"Shit shit shit! I cannot believe this is fucking happening to me!! The papers must've gotten switched when Gina and I ran into each other. Oh this is bad, this is very, very bad."
I said, "Why..."
