My quarterly get together with some old school friends usually got pretty rowdy, but in the taxi home and struggling to stay awake, I couldn't remember the last time I'd actually been this drunk.
Nearing our house I thought of the words my wife had uttered earlier in the night. Not the 'don't drink too much' advice, but the 'I've got some news Alex; you're not gonna like it,' comment. Why she hadn't just told me then and there on the phone, I had no idea? The 'I don't want to ruin your night,' explanation doing nothing to allay my anxiety.
"We're here," spoken loudly woke we from a sleep I hadn't realized I was entering and I found my cheek pressed against the fingerprint smeared glass of the cab window, making a note to wash my face before bed. The outside of our apartment was in darkness and with my forehead pressed against the door for balance and using my phone for illumination, aligned the key with the hole and entered. Proud of myself for navigating the threshold relatively noiselessly.
Well after midnight I wasn't surprised to see our living room in darkness but as I passed the kitchen, the light from the fridge illuminated a familiar red satin nightie my wife often wore, her barely covered ass and legs, protruding from inside the doorway.
Nothing more alluring than a drunk man reeking of alcohol feeling you up from behind unexpectedly, I mused as I silently entered and crept up behind her.
"Looking for this?" I romantically whispered as I rounded the open door, one hand diving between her legs from behind, cupping her surprisingly panty-less groin, my fingers pressing hard into the lips of her labia. The other sought out a boob, immediately feeling the hardness of a nipple amid the softness of her breast.
Two things entered my mind even before I realized my mistake. Pubic hair and big boobs.
My wife had neither.
"Oh God Darling, no! It's me!" The startled, familiar, yet out of place voice answered and I hurled myself backwards in shock. It was not my wife!
"Jesus Christ, Mom!" I gasped, clutching the bench-top behind me for support. "What the fuck are you doing here?"
She turned to face me as the light in the hallway came on, followed instantly by the kitchen's and Jacinta entered tying a robe around herself, far more suitably dressed than my fifty five year old mother.
"Language Alex," Mom chastised me before closing the fridge behind her and approaching. The kiss she gave me on the cheek had more gravity considering what had just occurred and I looked back at my wife for an explanation.
"She's staying with us for a little while," Jacinta acknowledged my dumbfounded expression. "It's what I was going to tell you earlier."
I wished she had! I looked back at Mom, clearly wearing my wife's nightie, her breasts straining against the satin.
"Oh, I borrowed this to sleep in," Mom acknowledged where my eyes had settled. "Jacinta offered it!" She followed up as if excusing the sexy nature of the attire.
I was still coming to terms with feeling up my own mother and shook my head to clear out irrelevant thoughts. "Ok, first things first. Mom. I didn't know it was you, I swear," I offered, feeling my face redden and she smiled dismissively. I noticed Jacinta cock her head, brow furrowing out of the corner of my eye and I didn't look forward to explaining what had happened moments before. "Secondly, why aren't you at home?"
It was a fair enough question. Her house, my family home being only a few suburbs away, what she was doing staying in our one bedroom flat was a pertinent issue.
"There was a sinkhole," she matter of factly replied and I had to ask her to repeat it to enable my inebriated mind to register. "A sinkhole," she explained. "It happens!"
"In Florida!" I challenged. "Not in L.A."
"Apparently the mains had been leaking for an extended period," Jacinta contributed. "So the fire department says anyway."
"And this happened today?"
"This afternoon," Mom admitted. "It was all I could do to get out alive!"
"Well not exactly," Jacinta brought some levity. "I picked her up. The rear of the house has definitely sunk and we're prohibited from entering."
"I had to leave all my stuff!" Mom added.
"Hence the..."
"...Nightie," my wife and I spoke simultaneously.
The events of the previous minute had done a great job of sobering me up and I poured a glass of water from the tap to encourage it.
"I'm sure I'll only be here a night or two," Mom detailed as I turned back to look at her. It was uncomfortable considering her attire. The nightie I'd bought Jacinta myself, choosing it because of its sexiness. That it was on my mother and that to be honest, she was wearing it so well, was disturbing in a whole manner of ways.
"Exactly Kathy," Jacinta agreed. "Who knows, we may even be able to go inside tomorrow and get you some clothing."
"So you didn't even have time to grab anything?" I skeptically questioned.
"No!" Mom replied. "One minute I was...well, occupied, and the next the walls are moving and the floor was caving in beneath me."
"Fuck," I conceded.
"Alex; language," Mom scolded me. "All I had was a sheet around me!"
"What?" I looked at Jacinta as I noticed her nodding.
"It's true, but don't worry Kathy, you can borrow anything of mine while we get you back on your feet," Jacinta offered.
"So you're on the couch?" I asked, trying to get the whole situation square in my head. How Jacinta thought this could wait until I arrived home I'd never know?
"Yes, you won't even know I'm here I promise," Mom proposed.
*
"All the pajamas you own and you give her THAT nightie to wear?" I whispered to Jacinta as I came out of our en-suite bathroom.
"I didn't, she chose it!" She defended herself in equally hushed tones. "What happened in the kitchen?"
I felt myself blush again and was thankful the room was in low light.
"Oh God, I don't even want to talk about it," I offered.
"One moment I hear you banging at the front door and the next, your mother's screaming!"
"She wasn't screaming!" I defended myself. "And I thought I was pretty quiet coming in!"
"Are you serious?" Jacinta chuckled.
I climbed into bed beside her and she turned off the bedside lamp, the room plunging into relative darkness.
"So she was naked when you got there?" I enquired.