THE BAN
On March 14th 2024, also known as Pi Day, Pornhub and its affiliated websites officially excluded the entire state of Texas from IP addresses it would allow service to. This was in response to a court case brought by the Texas state attorney general. The following is just one of the stories that happened immediately in the wake of that decision... just one small tale of the unforeseen consequences of that fateful day.
Names and other details have been altered to protect the privacy of those involved.
***
I hopped out of my truck, slung my backpack over my shoulder, and marched towards the front door of the house. The truck had seen better days, an old red Dodge Ram bought way back when Dad was fresh out of college himself, lovingly cared for until my very own sixteenth birthday, at which point it fell victim to my lackluster maintenance. I'd also added a couple dings, some scratches, and more than a few window decals and bumper stickers.
The house was in good shape, though. The yard was green and freshly trimmed, even though it was still the very first blush of spring around here. Dad had recruited me to help him paint the trim last summer, after he'd put a new roof on it, installed some skylights, that sort of thing. House prices were skyrocketing in this neighborhood, and my dad thought that it was, in part, due to his impeccable handyman skills.
I figured it was all the imports, personally. The brand new neighbors, all from other states, and the fact that this was a walled off little area in our town. Must remind them of the gated communities they couldn't afford back in California... but I suppose, maybe, Dad mowing the yard twice a week did contribute to the neighborhood's value. Just, not nearly as much as he prided himself for.
I walked in, blinking as the bright sunlight was cut off, and the relative gloom of the house descended. Skylights or no, indoors was a vast drop off in luminous intensity from the unforgiving Texas sun, even in March. I cut through the entry hallway, and paused in the living room. Dad was set up in his easy chair, something muted on the TV. The closed captioning was on, but I don't think Dad was paying attention to it. He had a vacant look that snapped to reality as I walked in.
"Hey," he said, dropping the footrest. "Just who I was hoping to see."
Odd. Not that he was happy to see me, but that he was home at all. It was just past three in the afternoon, usually he was at work until close to six. "Oh?" I stopped my feet, I'd been kinda assuming no one was home and I'd been headed, with haste, to my room. I leaned up against the hallway door frame, and gave him a pretty standard chin buck. "What's up?"
He took a minute, almost starting a sentence three different times before settling on this one: "Did you hear the news?"
"Oh, God. What now?" Nowadays the news kept coming, never a stop to it... and it was hardly ever good. I scrutinized his face, as he seemed to hesitate again before telling me whatever it was. Bright blue eyes, a baby smooth face that had emerged from the beard he'd worn my whole life, until he'd had to fit a mask over it. Mom had said that him shaving it had made him look twenty years younger... she'd been right. The gray in the beard had made him look like he was nearing fifty, without it, he looked like he was barely breaching thirty. I'm sure his rigorous fitness routine had helped with that... hard to look young when you're carrying a beer gut like most of our neighbors had.
I watched his face twist. Whatever it was he'd been in such a hurry to tell me, it seemed to be giving him indigestion. "Dad. C'mon, spit it out."
He stood up and took a couple of steps towards the kitchen, then stopped, and sheepishly looked back at me. He managed to look embarrassed. "Porn hub. They banned it, here in Texas."
Ah. That news. I rolled my eyes. "Actually, Dad, yeah, I did hear. It was all the boys were talking about at lunch."
Despite the majority of my fellow classmates being south of here for spring break, a few of us remnants still met up in the cafeteria every day. The diehards, the working joes putting themselves through college, the people like me who didn't think that hanging out with oversexed, over-served college students for two weeks sounded like fun. Besides, Dad had paid for my meal plan at the beginning of the semester, I was just getting his money's worth.
It was as good an excuse as any. My real reason for my attendance was due to a certain librarian I was crushing on. She was sending me all the right signals, and the stacks of books were empty, just semi-private enough for me to wet my lips with hers. I hadn't made a move yet, though. Maybe I was more than a little scared I'd chase her away... she was incredibly funny, easy to just hang with, and I didn't make friends too easily. For sure, though, my end of term papers were going to be fully cited, my footnote game was on point. Shame my getting laid game was off.
I prepared to dismiss Dad's news, much as the boys clustered around the single table in the cafeteria had. They'd made quite a few jokes first... rednecks with blue balls, how they were going to set their VPN addresses to Cancun to honor our senator, Mr. Cruz... low hanging fruit, not very funny, any of it. "If I'm understanding it right, Dad, it's just the one site. So... it's like they banned Arby's, but all the other fast food places are still open."
He grunted, and made a face. "I guess. Sure." And then, his embarrassment over talking about this with me, of all people, got overridden by something else. I'll let you hazard a guess as to what emotion that was. "Just. Sometimes a guy really wants a roast beef sandwich. Y'know?"
I tried to bury the unbidden thought that arose in this context... that roast beef was schoolyard slang for dangly lady bits. Large labia. Beef curtains. There was definitely a similarity in the two images. The thought persisted, so I rolled with it. "Yeah. I hear you, Dad. Sometimes I get that craving to snack on some roast beef myself." Preferably flavored like a certain bespectacled brunette who smelled like old books.
"Right." He hadn't caught on that we weren't talking about the same thing. "I mean. Look, it's not a really big deal. Maybe... no. I just, like, had an account there, and all my favorites and playlists are gone... I can always start over, somewhere else." He was digging the toe of his sneaker into the hardwood like a ten year old kid asking for his allowance. Would have been cute if it hadn't been for his tone.
"Hold the fuck on," I said, before he got even more forlorn. "You have an account? Who the fuck does that?"
He blinked. "Uh. Well. Guys who like to... look, I can save videos I like. And the algorithm recommends things to me, based on what I watch... It has pretty good taste, honestly. And..."
"Stop." I held up a hand. "I'm hearing an ask in there. What do you want me to do?"
