Sierra had only ever seen her cousin Jonah at the big family dinners two days a year, Easter and Christmas, sitting with his out-of-the-ordinary gel-tamed hair and crisp button-up shirts, all freshly suited for the photos. Everyone else in the extended family was either a wine-sipping grown-up or a wailing little kid, so it seemed appropriate to seat the two together. It sure wasn't their choice.
"Sierra's taking high school math as an eighth grader," her mother would tell the table. "Her robotics team took second place in the state competition last week." "She made the honor roll
again
!" There was always something new to make Sierra blush and mumble "thank you" to the praise.
What could Aunt Melissa say about her own son? "Jonah's last report card didn't have an A in anything but gym class!", or "Jonah got suspended again! You wouldn't believe what he did this time"?
Jonah hated sitting there just to hear them gush about the "good child" of the family. "You think you're so special," he murmured once. "Do you even have any friends?"
"Mm-hmm." She wished she could ignore him. She just couldn't bear to be rude.
"I bet they're weird. They probably have hairy legs like you."
Sierra didn't know how to respond to that. She just crossed her apparently stubbly legs, pulled her skirt over her knees, and scooted in further to the table. "Okay."
"That's why you don't have a boyfriend. Right? Do you?"
Her face crumpled. Every year, Easter and Christmas had to be like this, soiled with his teasing. From what she showed up wearing ("That's a little tight. Are you trying to make your boobs pop out?"), to what she was eating ("You don't want any bread rolls with that salad? Is it 'cause you're on a diet? To keep your legs from getting even fatter?"), to what her mom was bragging about that evening (upon hearing the robotics news, he kept turning to her to say, "Beep boop!"), it was as if he knew what to say to make her wish she never came.
After Sierra and Jonah's shared high school graduation party - with the family celebrating Sierra for finishing with all those medals around her neck, a stellar GPA, and a spot at a great university, and celebrating Jonah for somehow managing to graduate - they were never together at family gatherings again. Sierra studied neurobiology on the other side of the country, far enough that it was cheaper to keep her there than fly her home over breaks. Jonah kept his childhood bedroom and got a job at 7-Eleven. They just went down the paths that anyone could've expected of them.
Nobody could've expected how they'd meet again.
~~~
On this snowy November morning, Sierra should've been staying in her singlet student apartment. She had video lectures to attend, homework assignments to turn in, tests to study for. Instead, she was stuck in Highland Hills Behavioral Health, whatever 2020's current polite term was for a "mental institution." Crying to her professor that she wanted to kill herself now seemed like a terrible mistake.
She had to admit, though, it sure felt nicer to be here, where she was playing table games and coloring pictures, having more interaction with peers than she'd had all semester, than to be a student cooped up alone. She dreaded the date she'd have to leave. Where would she even go - back to the place where she would've killed herself? Twelve days was too short to make her want to live; she couldn't trust herself not to do something stupid before finals week and end up back in a hospital bed.
A staff member shouted to the coloring table, waving the unit's Stone Age cordless telephone, "Who wants to make a call?"
"May I?" Sierra glanced up from the purple flower she was shading. Lately, she'd been too nice letting others hog the phone, but now she needed to ask her mother about the plan.
Thankfully, her mother picked up immediately. "Sierra! How's it going over there?"
Sierra slumped on the couch and sighed. "Going great. Were you told I'm getting out on Thursday?"
"Yes! You have no idea how happy I am for you, honey. So, do you know how to get to the airport from there?"
"Why?"
"We got you a flight back to San Diego."
This couldn't be right. As far as Sierra remembered, her mother lost her job and got evicted months ago, and she still couldn't find a place to stay but with her sister Melissa. "Wait. Who am I going to stay with?"
"Aunt Melissa. You know, the guest room's going to be open again, now that I've been moving into a new sublet."
Nobody had told Sierra. "And Jonah?"
"Yep, he's there too! It's been a long time since you've seen them, not since 2018, yeah? We're sorry to catch you off guard like this, but I still don't believe you're ready to be alone again. You need to be living with a good support system."
Sierra was good at pretending to be grateful, but the sour feeling lingered in her stomach for the rest of their chit-chat. Jonah never gave her a word of "support." Surely he got that familiar twisted thrill finding out she was coming, just like he felt before those old family gatherings, ready to make it hell for her.
But the previous night, when Jonah was told the news, he felt sour in the stomach as well. Jonah wasn't prepared to have such a pretty girl in his house.
~~~
Sierra didn't have much baggage to carry. Her mother said that in a matter of weeks, everything from the little apartment would be shipped to Aunt Melissa's. So once the plane landed, Sierra just slung on her backpack, stuffed with outfits and books, and headed to the spot where she was told they were waiting.
"Hi, honey! Oh, I'm so happy to see you!" Aunt Melissa had the same looks, same voice, but for the first time, her "happy to see you" to Sierra was actually sincere.
The car's trunk popped open, and a young man in a 7-Eleven uniform waved. He had dark chestnut hair in thick waves, shining stud earrings, bulked-up arms scattered with tattoos of snakes and swords and flames-it took Sierra a moment to see that it was Jonah.
"Hey, Sierra, I made this for you." He gave her a handshake and handed it over.
"Wow. Thank you!"
A card?
The front had an original pencil drawing, a family of rabbits surrounded by floating hearts. The inside simply said, "Hi Sierra, welcome back. I hope you like it here and feel better soon. Love, Jonah."
Ha, his mom probably told him to do this,
she thought. She set her big backpack in the trunk and stretched in the backseat. What a relief to be able to ride with the windows down, no snow here, just a cool evening breeze.
They took the familiar freeway between shrub-covered mountains, away from the sun setting over the ocean. Sierra remembered the house from years ago, back when the rich uncle was still in the picture. It had been paid off by the time they got divorced, so Aunt Melissa got to graduate from a housewife to a working woman with a bigger house than she knew what to do with.
Sierra wanted to see the pool, the big backyard, the gleaming white kitchen with nut bowls and ice cold drinks. But the first thing they did when they got home was a tour of the guest room. She sure felt lucky not to be back in her cramped apartment. The bed was big enough for two, maybe three; Sierra stroked the jewel-green blanket, silky smooth.
Aunt Melissa slid open the wall-mirror closet, lined with old pre-baby clothes from when she was several sizes smaller. "Feel free to try any of these on."
"Sweet, thanks."
"How are you doing? Are you hungry?"
Sierra smiled. "Ah, I think I just want to go to sleep."
"You should definitely get some rest. You remember where the guest bathroom is, right? Let me know if you need anything." Aunt Melissa inched the door nearly shut and stepped out.
Sierra climbed under the heavy blanket, sunk into the lush pillows. She'd had a long day. Before she could get changed and brush her teeth, what she really needed was some time to relax.
She slipped her fingers in her mouth. Her wet fingers dipped beneath the thin stretchy cotton of her psych ward undergarment. She wasn't quite ready there yet, but some tender back-and-forth was enough to get her sensitive parts pulsating.
For years, she couldn't help but indulge in this, and lately, the urges had only gotten worse. She just craved the relief. Whenever she had her fingers between her legs, it didn't matter that she had looming deadlines in every class. It didn't even matter that she was in an emergency room bed, with nurses popping in and out, lying in a mask and hospital gown waiting for the news on what they'd do with her next. When she did this, she'd lose track of time. All that mattered was how good it felt.
She jiggled her slick, throbbing clitoris, the way she knew best. Her mind was already swollen with vivid visions-the bodies of all the lovely guys and girls she'd seen, the way it would feel to have their hands and tongues all over her, all the raw and filthy things she could only imagine she'd enjoy someday.
She kept going, rubbing, rubbing, until the moment came. Her clitoris pounded. Her walls contracted. She finished the deed in silence. All she could do now was stare at the ceiling and hear what she heard in her head every time:
Dirty. Filthy. Nasty. Pervert. Loser. Whore.
~~~
Sierra woke up in her wool sweater and jeans, not the greatest sleeping materials. And it was well past 10 a.m.-jet lag had clearly gotten to her.
