The Hospital Visit

WARNING

This story is partly about mental illness and suicidal thoughts, so if that is a trigger please do not read it.

Sadly I am not a good enough writer to express what I feel, but if you can get over that please read and enjoy it.

The men have no description or personality on purpose, in this story I don't care about that. I just want a man, any man, to help me. This is not about the men, this is a story about a black hole.

Please leave a comment.

I hate myself and I want to die.

The feeling is overwhelming me and it hurts so fucking much. I stare at the pills and my hand is shaking so hard I'm afraid I will drop them. Before I change my mind I throw all of them into my mouth. I take a deep chug of vodka and try to swallow them, but there are too many and I take another longer chug.

Suddenly I'm scared I didn't take enough pills and I start frantically looking for more. But I'm crying so hard it is hard to see and I just sink to the floor. I drink more vodka and keep crying. I try to finish the bottle but I've never been good at chugging any liquid and I start coughing.

I just want everything to be over, but it's so fucking hard. I know I'm worthless and I really shouldn't feel sorry for myself, but right now I'm so lonely I can literary feel the hole in my heart, the empty space in my chest.

All I feel is fucking darkness and I really hate myself.

The vodka is gone and I'm shaking.

My stomach hurts and I think I'm drooling. Or I'm throwing up. It's hard to know through the fog and pain.

I'm just gonna close my eyes.

I never want to open them again.

The first thing I feel is my mouth. It's glued shut and everything hurts. Even my teeth. I try to open my eyes but it feels like someone is poking my eyes with burning metal rods and I throw up again.

Next time I wake up I hear voices. I want to open my eyes but I can't. I have no strength at all and I feel something sharp in my arm. the pain is hot and instant and I feel myself slipping away again.

Someone is stroking my forehead and my cheeks and I start crying. Everything hurts and I am starting to realize that I failed. It clouds over everything and I can not think straight. It is like my thoughts are fighting through mud, nothing makes any sense and I am struggling to even piece together the simplest thought.

I cry again and a pair of lips lightly kiss my forehead and my eyes.

I am crawling up from some dark place, slowly, slowly. I feel pain but not physical anymore. And something is wrong. it's so hard to fight my way up from the darkness and I am starting to feel so many things. Hunger, a need to shower, embarrassment, and warmth between my legs. Emotionally I feel numb, I am trying to locate a real emotion but I feel numbness and the warmth between my legs.

I move my hand down to my cunt but there is already a hand there and I freeze.

I get cold and there is sweat on my belly.

Who?

I try to open my eyes but it's so hard, they have been closed for so long and I have so little strength.

I think it was mom who kissed my forehead but it can't be mom's hand...

I touch the hand and it is big and rough, I feel two fingers in my cunt and I am so wet. It feels amazing, it's the only thing that gets through the numbness.

I put my hand over the strange hand and press it harder into my cunt, I want more, but I am scared to find out who the hand belongs to.

I manage to partly open my eyes but the lights are so strong that I can't see and my eyes hurt. But I realize fast that I am not at home.

Hospital?

Is it a stranger?

The cold sweat breaks out in my face and I feel it slowly mixing with my tears.

I must be crying again.

The fingers in my cunt are fucking me and the sensation is overwhelming, it feels so good and all I can think about is that I want more.

I open my mouth to say something but before I have time to form a word something is roughly pushed into my mouth and I gag.

For a second I get really scared and I am about to push away but the warm feeling in my cunt is spreading through my body and I relax and accept the big cock in my mouth.

It is bigger than my husband's and whoever it is continues to force it deeper down my throat. I open my mouth bigger to fit it all and move my head to make it easier. My lust is breaking down my numbness and I focus all my energy on the one feeling I have. Lust.

Somehow it makes the pain go away.

It fills the hole in my soul and it makes me forget who I am.

How unworthy I am.

How much I hate myself.

I let my cunt take over.

The man fucks my mouth hard, I am just a doll that he uses and I love the feeling.

His rough fingers are fucking my cunt and I am pushing it against his hand.

He slips in one more finger and I spread my thighs wider to make it easier but it's still really tight and I love that feeling.

He grabs my greasy hair and pushes his cock down my throat harder until my nose touches his stomach. He holds my hair in a hard grip and leaves me there. I start gagging violently and desperately try to get some air through my nose, but he refuses to let go.

I feel the cock twitching and shoot cum down my throat. So much. I don't even need to swallow, he just keeps shooting it down into my belly.

The man pulls out his cock and wipes it on my face. Over my eyes and nose and on my lips. I manage to open one eye and I see a doctor in white pulling up his pants and wiping his wet hand on my cover.

"I knew you were a slut when you came in here", he looks at me. "The big tits hanging out and the skimpy clothes".

He turns around and leaves.

And again I feel numb and empty.

The pain is starting to come back.

After he has closed the door I start looking around. It is definitely a hospital and I am in a small light room, somewhere high up, I can only see sky through the windows.

I start to cry again and this time I can not stop. I cry and I cry and I cry.

The feeling in my cunt was so nice but now after I have to deal with everything else and I really don't want to. I want to be numb again, I want the lust.

The door opens and a young nurse comes in, she looks the same age as me, probably 20-25, and she is very cute. She looks at me, I must be a mess.

I can see her looking at my face where he wiped his cock and where he wiped his hands on my cover. I realize that my cunt is right there with the cover open to my stomach.

She looks at me and takes it all in.

"Let's clean you up before your mom comes back, ok?"

She helps me up and takes me into a small bathroom in the corner of my room. I sit down on the toilet and pee while she starts the shower and make sure the water is not too warm.

"Do you need me to help you or do you want to be alone?"

"Alone", I manage to get out and it shocks me how hard it is to form those words. I start crying. Again, she hugs me and leads me into the shower.

"I'll come back in 10 minutes. Ok, honey?"

I nod and turn around to face away from her.

I sit on my bed with a big ugly towel around my body. My long red hair is wet and hanging loose over my shoulders. I am shivering and it feels really good. The nurse comes in again. She smiles and looks at me.

"I think your color is coming back, you were so pale when you first came in. You look a lot better already".

She quickly changes the sheets and I move to a chair beside the bed. She is chattin' the whole time and even though I don't answer her, I don't think she cares at all.

"Your mom has been here the whole time, but she finally had to sleep and we put her in another room. She is still sleeping".

The door opens and the doctor comes in. I recognize him right away. He is tall and handsome, with rugged good looks. He touches the nurse's butt and I know right away he is fucking her and I feel jealous. The warmth between my legs is back and I cross them without thinking about it.

He asks me some questions, looks into my eyes with a flashlight and takes my pulse and listens to my heartbeats. He quickly writes something on a pad and again touches the nurse's butt, but this time longer, and leaves.

She looks embarrassed and leaves too.

The thoughts are coming back as soon as I am alone and all I wanna do is sleep and cry. I look around the room but I see no clothes so I shrug off the towel and crawl in under the covers and close my eyes.

I am asleep instantly.

I wake up and my mom is sitting next to the bed. When I open my eyes she starts crying. She throws herself at me and hugs me so hard. She is talking to me the whole time but it's so muffled I can't hear a word.

She dries her tears and looks me over.

"Let's not talk about it, she says and her eyes pleads with me".

I nod and silently thank her. I don't think I could even if I wanted to, it hurts too much and the fact that I failed is still so raw and hurts too much.

She kisses me again on the forehead and my eyes and I can't help but cry again.

So we both cry and hold hands.

It feels really good.

I look at my mom sitting next to my bed and she is so beautiful, she always has been. When I grew up all the boys in my class had a crush on her. She had me when she was 18 so she is still young, only 42. She has red hair like me but not as much like fire, hers is a little lighter and she cuts it shorter. My hair is wild and messy and goes over my shoulders down my back, while mom's ends a bit under her ears. I also have her green eyes, mine are bigger but hers glow like emeralds. And while I have freckles, mom has beautiful white skin that shines.

But right now her eyes are sad and wet. I know it's because of me and that gives me a panic attack. It comes from nowhere and I start shaking and hyperventilating. I can not control it and I kick off my covers and run naked to a wastebasket and throw up. Tears are streaming down my cheeks and I shake so hard that mom has to hug me hard so I won't throw up all over the floor.

She whispers to me the whole time and holds my hair back. I still can't breathe properly and a nurse comes in and helps mom get me in bed again. They inject something in my arm and I fall down a deep dark well that is soft and warm. I love the feeling of falling into the void where my mind does not exist and all shame and hate is gone.

My name is Jenny and I just tried to take my own life. It was my fourth attempt and each time my mental illness gets a little bit worse.

I am married to my high school sweetheart John and I can not even fathom to understand how horrible I am making his life. I really can not understand why he does not hate me, why he stays.

I am 24 years old and I want to die.

The next time I wake up it's night and mom is sleeping in the chair next to me. I sneak up and go into the bathroom. I don't turn on the lights until the door is closed. The first thing I see is myself naked. It's a shock and I fight back another panic attack. My face is tired and I have red swollen eyes and ruined mascara in long traces down my face. My hair is tangled and messy and dirty. I get a stab of pain in my stomach and it quickly spreads throughout my body. Without thinking I move my hand down to my cunt and start touching myself, I get wet fast, and as I slide a finger inside I can feel the numbness coming over me as the pain and darkness fades into the background. I slip in one more finger and slowly move them in deeper and out again.

I look at myself in the full-body mirror and go over my body. My breasts are big and heavy but still firm with small pink nipples. I am not tall, only 5'4 with a petite body, except for my tits, just like mom.

My cunt is bald and tight. I started shaving the second I got hair and I've kept it shaved since that day.

I bend my knees and start fingerfucking myself while a grab a heavy freckled tit with my other hand. I pinch my nipple hard and push my cunt against my wet hand.

That is when mom opens the door.

"Are you ok, honey?"

She stares at me in the mirror with big eyes and her eyes stop at my bald cunt and the fingers eagerly fucking me. I am too close and too horny to stop so I just close my eyes and ride my orgasm while I buckle my knees and whimper loudly.

When I open my eyes the door is closed and mom is gone.

I walk out and mom is sitting in her chair.

"I am so sorry, I should have knocked, I am so sorry".

She isn't even looking at me and I feel so bad for her.

"It's ok, mom, I should have locked. Btw why am I naked?"

Mom looks at me and I can see she struggling with the words.

"When, when... I eh...", she looks at the floor and takes a long slow breath, "I found you, you were covered in vomit. And.. eh", she almost starts crying, "your clothes are being washed, but they should come soon. Not that you were wearing a lot".

I can see that the memory is painful and I struggle to change the subject, but I don't know what to say.

Mom looks up at me and takes in my naked body.

"I have not seen you without clothes for a long time, you...", she stammers, "are quite the woman". Then she laughs out loud. "I don't know why I said that".

I laugh too and crawl back under the covers.

"I got your curves, mom".

"I don't know about that. And...", she stammers again, "I eh, don't shave everything". She looks back at the floor. "Your dad wants me too, but I'm too old".

"Mom! You are 42 and gorgeous, do it for dad. Come on".

"You think so? I eh, not sure you want to know this, but I have a landing strip".

"Shave mom", I laugh at how uncomfortable she is, "if you hate it will grow out again. When I am with someone I do anything for them. Anything".

I can see mom has a question, but she doesn't know how to ask it.

"So you do anything John wants?"

"Yes, why not? I love him".

"I'm sorry and you don't have to answer, but, eh... anal sex?"

I start laughing again and the tension lets go of mom and she laughs too.

"Yes, I do. I enjoy it".

"Your dad wants to but I have said no".

"Do it if you want to, but I mean if you don't like it just don't do it again. But I would never say no to something just because I've never done it".

Mom is quiet for a long time.

"John is devasted that he is not here, I talked to him earlier today and he is looking for flights home but there is very bad weather and everything is canceled".

Thinking about what I have to done John makes me cry again. And the hole in my soul is expanding and I can feel the dark thoughts and feelings taking over again.

"I want some pills mom, I want to sleep", I say between the sobs.

Mom quickly leaves and the young cute nurse comes back and gives me two pills and a glass of water.

Back to oblivion.

I wake up crying. I don't even know why anymore.

I touch my cunt under the covers and I'm already wet. I touch my clit and slowly tease it. I keep crying but I also moan and before I open my eyes I hear mom's voice.

"Should I leave?"

I stop what I am doing and the ache in my cunt gets stronger. I open my eyes and look at mom.

"I'm sorry I forgot I was not alone".

She is about to say something when the doctor and a male nurse come in through the door. The nurse is carrying a plastic bag that he puts on the bed.

"Your clothes are clean, Jenny".

Mom stands up to leave.

"I should get a coffee".

The nurse leaves with her and the doctor looks at me. His eyes seem to look straight into the giant black hole in my soul and my cunt is still aching and I want to touch it so fucking bad. I stare at the bulge in the doctor's scrubs and I start salivating.

I stand up naked in front of him and empty the bag on the bed. One pair of tiny black see-through g-strings and my very short green minidress. I understand now what mom meant.

I slip on the panties and pull the dress over my head. It ends rights under my butt and my ass is on the verge of falling out. Same with my big tits, which you can see in the generous opening under the arms, without a bra they are totally visible from the side.

The doctor looks me over and smiles at me. He pulls out his big cock and without hesitation, I bend over and take him into my mouth. My mind finally goes blank again and the numbness comes over me. I feel whole again and the demons that scream inside my head finally go quiet.

I take his whole cock inside my mouth and let it go down my throat. I can my feel the dress gliding up and whoever comes in next will see my ass with the tiny string of black fabric between my cheeks.

The doctor, I don't even know his name and I don't care, grab my head and start fucking my mouth. I heard the door opening and I'm about to stop but the strong hands hold my head even harder and shoves the cock even deeper down my throat. I can feel my panties being pushed to the side and a cock enters my aching cunt. Two hands grab my hips and whoever is back there starts fucking me standing up. I push my ass back towards his cock to meet his thrusts while the cock in my mouth is making me gag.

Suddenly I feel warm spit on my exposed asshole and the cock slips out of my cunt and is being forced into my ass. At the same time, the doctor moves one of his big hands to my throat and starts choking me while he fucks my mouth.

Both these actions scare me and my body says I should fight them but the wonderful numbness just blooms out inside me and being used like this feels too good. The pain and the loss of control floods my cunt and pushes the darkness and mental illness away for awhile. I decide to totally submit and let them use my body as they wish.

The cock in my ass is so too big and he is fucking me too hard, I start yelping through my strangled throat that is now in a vice grip and I am getting almost no air. I start crying again and I don't know if it's from pain, sadness or ecstasy. It hurts so much and at the same time feels so good.

I push my ass against the cock and I feel him gliding all the way in and making an animal sound from deep down my throat over the cock in my mouth. There is saliva pouring over the cook and down my chest and he just keeps pumping down my throat while choking me.

I cum so hard I'm sobbing and shaking and they couldn't care less. He pulls the cock out of my mouth and shoots rope after rope of seed over my face. I get cum in my eyes and nose and all over my mouth.

Suddenly I have another cock in front of me. Straight from my asshole, he shoves it into my mouth and roughly fucks my face while I'm crying and the cum is running down my face. He pulls it out and covers whatever space is left on my face with cum.

My cunt is throbbing and the only thing I can think is that I want more. I don't want to be back in my head, I want to feel lust, and pain, and cocks. I want cocks so fucking bad.

The two men, adjust their clothes and for the first time I notice their rings. They are both married. I look at my own ring, I am married too and I love John with all my heart. But this is not about love, this is lust and... numbness and feeling nothing at all.

And fighting the dark void.

I'm a fucking lonely, damaged knight fighting windmills, and fuck me it hurts.

And that is all it takes and I am at the bottom of another black hole. I run to the bathroom and throw up again. The tears are pouring out and I have a hard time breathing. I throw up again and pull off my dress and panties and crawl into the shower. I sit on the floor and let the hot water wash over me.

Maybe I will drown here.

I wish I could.

There is a knock on the door and mom comes in. She turns off the water and helps me up, grabs a towel, and starts drying me. She plants a kiss on my forehead and dries my hair. She looks me in the eyes and asks how I'm doing. I mumble something and she must smell cock on my breath. I can smell it. I can still taste it and the ache in my cunt is back.

Mom dries off my body and when she goes over my wet cunt I press it into her hand and she gives me a look but doesn't say anything. She dries my tits and shoulders and wraps the towel around me.