Again, a work in progress. Thank you all so much for the support.
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I took a seat opposite her on the bed, near the foot of it.
If she had released my hand even for a moment on the way, my strength might have faltered, if only a bit, but she held my hand gently in her hand and my eyes firmly in her gaze as I took the two steps and sat down.
I still hadn't really regained enough composure to speak much, and while she seemed composed enough to start, at first she merely moved her gaze to my hand within hers, while she gently stroked it with her other hand. God in Heaven was she elegant and full of grace, even now in nothing more than a bra and panties on, drying tear marks streaking down her cheeks, looking at my hands and saying nothing. She stood with her back straight in near perfect posture, he legs together and crossed slightly at her feet on the floor. She sat sort of side-saddle towards the side of the bed, clearly taking precious moments to choose her words carefully. Then, she slowly looked up at me, with as close to a mix between neutral and comforting face and spoke to me in a calm, even tone.
"We're cousins Paul. We might as well acknowledge it right here and now, at the beginning. My mother and your mother are sisters. We share blood." She said, plainly.
There it was, she didn't want to 'talk' she wanted to have 'the talk'. The talk that brought us back to reality. She was going to try to let me down easy. I was so sure of it, and I couldn't stop my countenance from falling as a result.
"Paul!" she said suddenly, with an air of sternness in it, clearly too in tune with my emotions tonight to miss my change. "I promised you it was going to be ok. Now trust me and wait until I finish before you react, please." Even when she was scolding me, she was well-mannered and graceful. She began again.
"I want us to see the situation for everything that it is, here and now. Not only is it against the law for you and I to even consider...whatever it is either of us might be considering...let me start over with that thought. I don't even know what we are considering right now. Either way, not only is it illegal, but there is little doubt how any of our family, or friends would look on us if we decided to engage in...but there again, I am assuming how you are feeling and what you're think..." She suddenly looked frustrated with herself. It seemed like she was trying to have a discussion, while doing most of the talking without either one of us voicing what exactly it was we felt towards each other or what we wanted, tonight or in the future. She seemed to realize this and, after regaining her composure again, looked in my eyes and spoke again.
"Let's start from the beginning ok?" she asked.
"ok" I answered.
"Do you remember that Christmas at grandma and Grandpa's house when we were four years old? And we both pretended to be married and live in pretend house under the stairs?" she asked.
Suddenly a distant memory was starting to return, which was saying something since after the 3 Traumatic Brain Injuries I suffered on deployment only hurt my already bad memory. I remembered flashes from that day. There wasn't anything sexual or erotic about it, we were fully dressed, small children playing together, she said she wanted to marry me and I said I wanted to marry her too, so we were married and pretended to have a house where we basically just went into, sat down in, got out of, then went back in and sat down in. It was an innocent child's exercise.
"yeah" I said.
"Well, after they told us to stop playing under the stairs and come to dinner, I went to your mom and told her you and I loved each other and we were gonna get married when we grew up. Of course, you know your mom, she made this huge deal out of it, twisted my words to Grandma and then my parents and basically I was told that could never happen, and that playing with you in that way was too confusing, so that I should go play with someone else. "
Wow. My fucking mom. Figures. She continued on.
"Well, I know it probably sounds silly, but to a four year old girl, that was devastating. After that, I couldn't even really bring myself to be around you, or say much to you. I wanted to. I wanted to so so much. Even that, I felt ashamed of wanting. I guess what I am trying to say is that..." She paused and her telltale sign of emotion crept up in her bottom lip quiver and small pool of tears in her eyes. "...I have absolutely adored you since we were four. I have tortured myself into keeping you at a distance, betraying my feelings for you for almost 30 years...and I am so ashamed of that. I thought you'd give up after a while, but every single year the families got together. Every Christmas. Every Thanksgiving. Every time we were in the same room, you treated me the same as when we were four, and I pushed you away every time. Why are you still here?" she asked through fresh tears in her eyes.
All throughout her story, never once did she look away, or release her gentle grip on my hand, nor did she pause in her stroking of it. This meant a great deal to me.
I have always lived life seeing the small details which people choose to ignore. Small showings of genuine emotion shown covertly to those who were observant enough of human behavior to notice them. She hadn't looked away, as would have been all too common during such a speech, allowing her to think of something to help her case, some phrase that might help.
She didn't release my hand, perhaps not wanting to sever the physical connection between us for even a second. Lastly, she kept a constant, gentle, rhythmic stroking of the top of my hand with her other hand. Perhaps she was absentmindedly trying to instill in our physical connection a desire to create a stronger connection, and she didn't want me to forget the bond between us growing.
Or, none of these were true and I was grasping unto any idea which I could use to give me the strength to endure a conversation I had no idea the outcome of. Again, words came out of my mouth without much thought from me. I was powerless to stop them from pouring out and splashing the entire room with their meaning and consequences.
"I am in love with you Jane. I am, but I am so scared right now. You are scaring the SHIT out of me. I have had more than my fair share of relationships with women. I might have even loved some of them, in a way, but they always failed. When I met, dated and married Nancy, I thought I loved her enough to make a marriage work. But the truth is I was never in love with her. I was probably never 'in' love with any of them. Honestly I just wanted to be married, like my sisters and my other friends of our age. I got tired of pining for something which was impossible."
As more words started to come out, I was, again, getting louder and more anger and resentment was bubbling up to the surface. I began to stand, but her grasp on my hand never loosened.
"Every woman throughout my entire life, with the exception of only my sisters, which I don't count, and YOUR mother, has betrayed me, hurt me, or let me down in some way, especially you!"
There it was.
Without a second thought, I had pulled out my emotional sword and ran her through with it, and the second I said it, it showed all across her face. Her entire body jumped ever so slightly from me as if I had wound up and slapped her right across the face. It took no more than three seconds for her eyes to become completely obscured by so many tears they practically splashed down her face. Her entire face became what could only the very face of despair and pain. Her entire body began trembling, from head to toe. She still held unto my hand, though her grip was becoming weaker by the second.
What had I done? She was clearly trying to help me. She was trying to help both of us figure out what was happening between us, and she was showing every indication that there was still some sliver of hope, and I was certainly doing my best to dash them to bits. She surprised me when she finally spoke through intense sobs.
"P-P-P-Paul please...I am trying t-tell you..." she stopped, trying to fight back the sobs and trembling,
"...that I LOVE you...and I'm sorry. I can make it better...I promise...please Paul...", and at that I could stand it no longer. I rushed to her side, put one arm under her knees and the other around her back and lifted her up into my arms. As I made this one motion, she seamlessly wrapped her arms around my neck and buried her face into my neck once more. I expected her to take some time to cry into me but she wasted no time. She began urgently and passionately kissing up my neck, little kiss. In between each kiss, she said "I love you" over and over, with each tiny kiss up my neck and across my cheek. She stopped after she had reached my mouth and looked deep into my eyes. "Will it ever be possible to forgive me? Could you ever want to try to see...if we can ever find some way to be together? I know so much has happened in your life, and you've been through so much. I just want a chance to show you that I can make it better. I can make it all better Paul, I promise. I can help you. I can protect you. I can take care of you. Please...let me try. Give me a chance..." She stopped talking.
