To say that my family life changed after our return from Hilton Head would be an understatement.
It was not so much a change as it was a whole new life, maybe a whole new world, only faintly tied to anything that had come before it.
In the days and nights that followed Simon and I's submission to our own daughter, we lingered in a fog of passion and thrill. We lost ourselves in each hour and in each moment, knowing only the desire to please our domineering daughter and sate our own unbridled lusts. There was no need for anything else, there would have been no room for it. There was only the three of us, our wants and our needs, and everything else just faded far away into a silent oblivion.
I can still remember the drive home when the long weekend was over. Simon and I drove home together, exhausted and weak from all we had been through, too tired and perhaps too shocked by the light of day to speak. I watched through the window as the world rolled by, taking in the damage that the storm had caused, the downed trees and the flooded lane's, the smell of rain and of upturned earth still thick in the air...and I remember thinking that it was fitting. That it was how the world should look in the face of all that had occurred.
Fresh and expectant, ready to be remade into something new.
As I said, Simon and I did not speak on that drive, not in all the long hours back to Maryland. I was too exhausted to worry over it. Too worn out by everything that had happened to begin the process of dealing with the situation. There had never been anything in my life to compare it to, there had never been an experience which I could draw upon to understand the aftermath of having submitted to my own daughter, to having watched my husband do the same. I knew that we would have to talk about it, and I knew that surely there would be deep implications for our lives as well as our marriage...perhaps there was a part of me that simply did not wish to tackle such things. I was content to rest, to shut my eyes and revel in the sweet aches that filled my body, make believe that everything could change without provoking a single consequence.
I suppose Simon must have felt the same, for he seemed in no hurry to talk about what we had just experienced. When at last we arrived home we were so exhausted that we simply collapsed upon the bed and slept, too worn out even to eat. We slept for the rest of the day and all through the night, lost in the strangest and most wicked of dreams.
I awoke alone in the bed, with the sunlight streaming in through the windows, and I could hear the sounds of Simon moving downstairs. I braced myself then, and knew that there was no use in avoiding it. We were home and the idyll was ended, no choice but to confront the new reality and all that came with it.
I did not really know what to expect when I found Simon in the kitchen. Nothing would really have surprised me or been out of place in that particular situation. Anger, guilt, shame..I was prepared to deal with them, and even knew that there was a part of me that was experiencing the same gamut of emotions. After all, I had been taken in every hole by my oldest daughter, and no matter how wonderful it had felt there was going to be some lingering questions in the sober light of morning.
But Simon seemed calm when I entered the kitchen. He had thrown on a bathrobe and slippers exactly as I had, and there were eggs flying on the stove. When he saw me come in Simon handed me a mug of coffee and then without a word he sat down at the table, and motioned for me to join him.
"How are you feeling sweetheart?" Simon asked me, and his tone was soft and tender, so disarming that I found myself giggling.
"Like I've been through the wringer honey." I laughed. " How about you?"
"The same. I don't think I've ever been this sore in my whole life...Do you...was sex that vigorous when we were young? Or is it just some new fad that the kids are trying out?"
I laughed again and replied, " I don't know honey, I don't think that was anybody's idea of an average weekend."
Simon chuckled right along with me, and as we sipped our coffee I knew that everything was going to be alright. I don't think I had ever loved my husband more than I did at that moment, as he disarmed all of my worst fears with a simple and good natured joke.
We talked around the elephant in the room for a few moments, as we drank our coffee and ate the eggs which Simon had made. Simon told me he was taking two more days off to recover from his vacation and I told him that sounded like a healthy idea and that I would do the same. I reminded him to unpack his suitcase so I could start a load of laundry, he noted that he had forgotten to mow the lawn before we left. Just a normal morning for a normal couple, but of course we could not linger in that illusion forever.
When I had cleared the dishes from the table Simon cleared his throat and he asked me at last what I thought would happen now.
"I really don't know Simon...I honestly haven't thought that far ahead. Everything happened so fast, got so crazy and so intense that I'm not sure my mind has even fully processed all of it yet."
"I know what you mean. This weekend wasn't exactly what I had anticipated."
"Do you regret it?"
"That's the thing Gwen, I just don't know. I mean, never in a million years did I think we'd be here talking about this. In the moment I was terrified, but also everything was just so hot that I couldn't help myself...now that we've cooled off a bit I'm not sure what I'm left with. I'm not even sure if how I feel about it matters at this point."
