LADY SWALLOW!
Fuck! Shit! Dammit to hell! I don't wanna fucking do this, but I damn-well better!
Flipping open his cell phone, Jack Grant punched in Spencer's number. As soon as his best friend answered, Jack could hear some kind of music in the background.
Spencer never plays music so it must be the TV.
Jack was elated,
Hot damn -- at last, a fucking a break! Spencer's busy watching a game or something. I can just tell him I'll call back later, like maybe in a hundred years or so.
Desperately clutching at the reprieve, Jack's words rushed out nonstop. "Hey, Spence! Sorry to interrupt. Sounds like you're busy watching something, so I won't bother you. It can wait. I just catch you at the office on Mon... "
"Nah! No problem at all," Spencer interrupted him. "Hell, Jack, I'm glad you called, and I got plenty of time. Mac's swiped the damn TV controller, bound-and-determined to watch some dance show. Not that I care; there's nothing on it worth watching anyway. So, what's up?"
Jack sighed in defeat.
I'm a doomed man.
"Well, you might wanna find a place to get comfortable; this may take a few minutes."
"OK. Just let me move back into the kitchen, grab a glass of ice tea, and find a place to sit."
Jack waited several seconds. Obviously, the first thing Spencer did was tell Mac to turn down the TV. The other end of the phone got suddenly quieter, followed by the sound of a refrigerator door opening and closing. Next, there came the soft tinkling of ice cubes filling a glass and, after what seemed an eternity, Spence was back on the line. "Okay, I'm set. Fire away."
"Here goes. First, I think I'm too old to have a teenage daughter," Jack confessed.
Start with the safe stuff! Ease him into it!
Peals of genuine laughter rang out from the other end.
"Yeah, yeah...that's right. Laugh your ass off; it's fucking hysterical. But, I'm not kidding, Spence; I swear to God, I barely survived the other night with Nikki and MacKenzie both here. Christ, I feel so fucking old."
He cleared his throat. "Do they seem more mature to you? I mean do the questions they've started asking seem to be about more 'adult' stuff, lately?"
From his kitchen, Spencer looked into the front room at MacKenzie as she lay on the floor watching some dance show on the wide screen. Her ass moved in time with the dancing. Nothing new there.
It's a very nice ass. It just happens to be my daughter's ass. 'Nuff said!
"No," he said thinking, "Only change I have noticed is my credit card sure-as-shit has taken a beating this month. That much has changed."
Nervous as hell, Jack cleared his throat again.
Christ Almighty, he's clueless! Oh God, how am I gonna ask this without getting killed? How to ask?
"Oh, come on Jack, stop clearing your fucking throat; it's a dead giveaway. You only do that is when you are sitting on a shitty poker hand or uncomfortable with something you need to say. We ain't playing poker, so just spit it out," Spence prompted.
"Has Mackenzie asked anything about sex? You know, like seeking info. Like needing info about boys or men?"
Or about blow jobs? There must be a way to say this.
Spencer wondered aloud, "What's all this about Jack?"
Okay, how about this? Hey, Spence, I'm helping the girls learn about sex? Nope! I'm helping MacKenzie perfect her swallowing technique? Definite nope! MacKenzie kissed me naked? Nope. I found MacKenzie and Nicole asleep naked and, while I watched, MacKenzie went down on Nikki four times. Nope!
In his mind's eye, each of those statements ends with a terrifying vision of Spencer hanging up the phone and driving over to his house. Then, after crashing his steel-gray Jeep Grand Cherokee 4Γ4 into Jack's front room, Spence climbs out of the SUV and proceeds to kick Jack's ass. Finally, as an afterthought, Spencer methodically tears him limb from limb, calmly pours gasoline over his dismembered but still writhing carcass, and calmly strikes a match.
Jack rubbed his brow. "I think I may have just had the Bird's and Bee's talk, or a least some part of it, with Nicole. Since she and MacKenzie seem to share even the tiniest bits of information this summer, I thought maybe you should know."
Partially true at least. What I just did with Nicole was definitely within the parameters of the 'Daddy-Daughter Talk'. Give or take an eternally damning sin or two.
Spencer seemed to take forever before responding. At last, he spoke, "Shit! I was hoping to put this off a bit. You know, till after she married? Or the last weekend before college."
Jack damn-near passed out from relief.
He bought it! Thank you, thank you, thank you God!
"Thanks, Jack," Spence continued, "To tell you the truth, she did seem a little quieter after their sleepover. I wondered what they are talking about?" His voice rose, "What the hell am I saying? God damn it, I'm not ready for this!"
"Spence, I'm not sure that I'm ready for this coming of age stuff either,"Jack admitted out loud.
At least, that is definitely the truth.
"So, how was the 'Birds and the Bees Talk'?"
"What?"
Shit! Shit! Shit!
Jack searched frantically for some way not to talk about this.
"So help me out here, Jack; give me some pointers. How did it go? What did you talk about? I'm curious, 'cause like you said, 'they share everything'."
Jack scrambled,
Don't panic! Just take a deep breath! It's an innocent enough question; nothing but two normal dads talking about how to handle similar problems. Happens all the time.
At that precise moment, Jack Grant decided to survive no matter what it took; suddenly he became the best friend another single dad could have. Keeping his voice calm and relaxed, he began, "Oh, you know, I guess the usual. Subjects like how to keep your panties on. What to do with fluids. How to tell if the boy likes you. How tricky men can be when they want to get into a girl's panties." Quickly clarified,"Of course, I mean how to keep her panties on. Tricks to satisfy the boy without giving up her virginity!" Jack paused, then continued almost clinically,"We covered hand jobs; we covered dry humping; we covered kisses."
And oh yeah, Spence; I find it all works best if you throw in a little 'show 'n tell'! God, I hope I didn't say that out loud.
In his imagination, Jack kept hearing the distinct echo of a hammer pounding after each mention of his 'Birds and Bees' discussion with Nikki; he just couldn't tell if the sound was a coffin nail being driven into a casket or the gavel on a judge's bench. Neither image soothed his worries. It didn't make any difference either way, the verdict was 'Guilty ... guilty ... guilty'!