The Sins of the Fathers

TELL ME ABOUT MOM

Life takes some strange turns. Tammy had just kissed Spencer goodnight at her door. Tammy neither invited him in; nor, had she asked to go home with him.

My life is shit!

Ever since my daughter became a lesbian, I've been without sex. Hold it! That sounds sorta strange after the day in court we just had. I definitely should rephrase that. Ever since my daughter started dating...ever since my daughter's first date...ever since she started dating 'Nick' ... Shit! How about 'Ever since I stepped on my dick with Tammy, I've been reduced to banging my own hand'.

He hit his speed-dial for MacKenzie's iPhone. Busy! It was still busy, ten minutes later when he tried again.

Shit, what the hell can a teenage lesbian-virgin have to talk about? Who's she talking to? It has to be Nikki. What the hell can two teenage lesbian-virgins have to talk about?! Shit!

Actually Mac had lots to talk about with her best friend, Nikki; and, at that particular time, Mac was doing most of the talking.

"No, I'm staying home tonight," she reported over the phone. "My dad's out on an actual date. Yeah, with Tammy! No, I'm not kidding—a real date with dinner and everything. Nope, I can't come over, 'cause I'm waiting up for dad; Tammy's not spending the night anymore. Ever since that morning dad insulted her and told her that what was happening with our family wasn't any of her business; you know, the day he caught 'Nick' in my bedroom? Anyway, since then, she's made him take her out on dates. So, she's making my dad earn it. And, she's not just giving it up like she was. So most times when he takes her out, he's not scoring. Matter of fact, he hasn't gotten lucky since he pissed her off. That's been almost a week!"

"No, I'm not kidding. I swear, Nikki. You wanna know something kinda strange? Well now it turns out that, since she's not boffing my dad every time I see her, she's really kinda cool. I hope she forgives him; but, not just yet. Yeah, I talk to her on the phone when he's at work. Just stuff. And I tell her how much he's suffering, because she's holding out on him. I told her that dad was so horny after their last date, he started masturbating in the shower again. I thought she was gonna die laughing."

"I bet my dad's doing that, too," Nikki chimed in. "He's been really quiet since you 'interrupted' us."

"Do you think he'll ever forgive me?" Mac asked. "I wonder what happens to a guy when they have to suddenly stop like that? I mean, where does all the erection and sperm go? Your dad's balls were really full. You think that, maybe, it backs up all the way into their brains?"

"Mac, I don't think he could have any sperm at all after you squeezed him down there like that."

Thinking, Mac paused then asked, "Were you really going to do it with Uncle Jack? I mean, he's your dad."

"Yes, we were really going to do it. If you'd been even a few seconds later," she sighed, "I would have been a woman."

I would have been his; now, I'm yours. I'm still not sure I understand all of this sex stuff. Sometimes it seems really simple. Other times, it gets really complicated. I can't figure out when it's going to be simple and when it's going to get weird

.

MacKenzie's feelings mirrored Nicoles, "But, he's your dad! I was protecting you."

Sex is really confusing. I thought it was really simple, stop her from being raped! Seems it wasn't rape.

"MacKenzie," she spoke softly into the phone, "I didn't want to be protected. Not from him!"

"Oh." Mac processed the information. "I guess I should say I'm sorry then."

"No, you did it because you love me. I understand that. But, MacKenzie, he's my dad. He doesn't have a girlfriend. He's lonely. Mom left us. I'm all he has. He has needs."

"But what about you? What about us?"

We have needs, too.

"I have needs, too."

I need him.

"Did you want it? I mean, was that the first time it was ever like that between you and him?"

Has he ever touched you before like that?

Nikki didn't answer. Or, maybe her silence actually was an answer.

Mac heard the gravel crunching as Spence's Forerunner moved up the driveway. "Hey, he's home early again. I bet he's alone. I gotta go. Bye, Nikki."

"I love you, Mac. I miss you coming over almost every night. Bye."

The door swung slowly open, and her dad walked through. She looked at him, a man defeated. He was frustrated. MacKenzie knew Tammy was holding out for a real apology and maybe something more.

"Hey, Daddy."

Oh, look at you!

"MacKenzie, you're still up? Let me grab a beer and I'll be right in."

Well, at least I have Mac to spend some time with.

At least I won't be all alone tonight.

"Get me one too, Daddy."

He frowned, but then smiled.

Not good to drink alone anyway. Two Corona Extras, it is.

He grabbed them and took them to the living room. Mac was there waiting.

He handed the beer to her and watched as she turned it up and gulped, her throat moving as the beer slid down.

So grown up, so many changes between us. She's not a little girl anymore. That's for fucking sure.

He sat down, looking at Mac. She was barefoot, except for a small woven-band around her ankle. She was wearing a new shirt or dress, he wasn't entirely sure. It looked like a tee-shirt but longer, so it might have been a dress. He guessed, knowing Mac, right now it was a nightshirt. But, that was just a guess. It had the 'Hershey's Dark Chocolate' logo across the black material complete with the red stripe. It was either short or long, all depending on how you looked at it. It's modesty also seemed to depend on just exactly how she sat or moved.

"Is that new?" he asked pointing at the t-shirt dress.

"This little thing," she stretched, "yeah, do you like it?"

"Sure do. Did I buy that for you?"

Christ, just like a candy bar. Makes you want to take the wrapper off. Dark Chocolate, huh?

She grinned. She could have just said,

'Yes, Daddy, this is your dress',

but she didn't. "No, Nick bought it for me in the mall. He said it had 'me' written all over it. And you look nice tonight too, Dad. I like the polo and khakis look. 'Eddie Bauer Outlet'?"

"Ouch! That's all I get after giving you a terrific compliment just now?"

"Sorry, Dad, just fucking with you. You're very handsome, no matter how you dress."

"That bad, huh?"

Ouch, again!

"So, how was your date with Hooters Girl?"

Torturing you is going to be so much fun, tonight.

"It's Tammy, MacKenzie; her name is Tammy." Spencer sighed.

"So, no luck?" Mac quipped gleefully, zinging in a barb.

He put the beer to his forehead. "Nope. Perhaps we should talk about something other than my sex life."

Mac piped up, "But, if you don't tell me what you do with Tammy, how will I learn how men are supposed to act?"

"Right now, I may not be the best role model for how men are supposed to act." he had to admit.

"I know, Daddy, it's sad. I really worry about you. I know you must be lonely. Is Tammy what's called a 'friend with benefits'?

Spencer looked up from his study of the beer in his hand. He took a little larger gulp. "Where did you hear that phrase?"

"Jack told Nikki that Tammy was what you called a 'friend with benefits"; so, is that like someone who comes over and you just climb on and go for it?"

"MacKenzie, I should wash out your mouth. Tammy's not a 'friend with benefits', and I never just climb on and go for it. She's more like a girlfriend."

Christ, 'climb on and go for it', is that what my daughter thinks a girlfriend is for. Is that what she thinks I do with girlfriends? Aw, shhit!

"Well, now, she is. But before, you'd always send me to Nikki's house so you could spend time with her."

"Yes."

"And did you take her out on a date first, before you brought her home?"

"No."

"And you guys would do it just as soon as I was gone?" Mac continued, badgering him with her questions.

"Yes."

"So...?"

"Okay, Mac, she was a 'friend with benefits'," he admitted out loud.

"So you must miss her a lot, 'cause I spent a lot of nights at Nikki's house. Right?"

He could only nod his head,

Yes

.

Jesus, you don't have to rub salt in the wound.

"You miss the sex?" Taking a small sip of beer, she looked up at him.

He nodded again.

"So, you're kind of like a starving man now; I mean, is missing sex like being really hungry and not having any food in the house?"

Spencer had to laugh. She was actually very close to the truth of it. He studied her.

You know so much and you still know so little.

"I'd rather think of myself as a 'man on a diet' than a 'starving man'. But, yes, I miss the sex. Intimacy, too. I miss being in her head and playing together; she's actually really smart. I liked that. So, maybe, it is like being a starving man and not having any food. It's a lot like that." He added, "I'm starving for affection."

And, I'm going sperm mad. I fucking need to get laid, bad. It's not healthy to go without sex.

He took a swallow of the beer. MacKenzie was all he had left of her mom. But, in many ways she was nothing like her mom.

"Daddy?"

A daughter can supply affection, too, I bet.

"Yes, MacKenzie."

"Girls have to eat; we've got appetites, too. "

"MacKenzie, you don't have to apologize about your 'appetites'; I'm okay with you and Nikki. I truly am." And Spencer really was okay with it.

I never once thought about you possibly being a lesbian, but I don't care as long as you're happy. You seem happy when you two are together. What the hell! I'm still trying to wrap my head around whether or not the fact that you're dating Nikki a.k.a. 'Nick' actually counts as lesbianism.

Mac took a hit off the Corona. "No, I mean, I'm home alone just like you. I want intimacy, too; I want someone in my head. I want to play, too. Daddy, I'm really really smart, too. I'm starving for affection, too. I'm capable of being 'affectionate'. But, I need to know things. Maybe secret things."

"Mac, if we're not talking about you and 'Nick' or Nikki, where's this conversation going? Am I gonna need more than a single beer for this Daddy-Daughter talk?"

Mac nodded her head,

Yes.

This will definitely last longer than a single beer.

"Then, I definitely need some something stronger." He started to get up.

"Don't move, I'll get it!" She jumped up off the couch and was gone in a flash.

She reappeared with two shot glasses, some sea-salt on a saucer, two cut limes, and a bottle of Hornitos Tequila.

See Daddy, I really am smart.

Spencer had to smile.

She really does know so much.

"Okay, I give. What do you want to talk about?"

She poured her dad a drink. Took his beer and hers. She poured more tequila into a shot glass for herself, settling across from him on the sofa. She was facing him legs-crossed with her elbows on her knees. She sat the tequila bottle between them.

Damn

,

did that t-shirt dress thing just get shorter?!

She smelled the tequila. She took a finger and just touched the liquid inside, then brought the finger to her lips closing her eyes and feeling it on her tongue. She'd never had this taste before. It was warm in her mouth; it tasted like a wooden barrel, like rainwater and dust, like a desert rainstorm, but it was a little sweet like some kind of flower that only blooms for a day or so and is gone. She opened her eyes to see her dad watching her. He was really looking at her.

"What, am I doing it wrong?"

"No, it wasn't wrong. I've never seen someone do that with tequila. It was perfect. Did you like the taste?" Spencer asked.

She shook her head. "Yes. But, it makes my mouth warm."

He took a full sip of the spirit of the agave, what he called the 'Soul of the Desert'. He stared down at the half-full, half-empty glass. Like most things in life worth considering, there were at least two ways to think about the liquid. Half-gone or still half-full.

When he glanced back up, she was watching him.

"What?! Am I doing it wrong?" He chuckled.

"Actually, you are, Daddy." She refilled his shot glass. "You're thinking too much. Isn't the taste just supposed to be an experience?" She persisted, waving her arms fervently. "Not an argument, not a description, not a memory to be saved--just a taste and then it's gone!"

God, my daughter's got spirit!

Spence mused, proudly.

And, when she talks like that and waves her arms, she's so damn cute—so really, really cute.

Suddenly, another thought struck him and he frowned. "Mac, are we talking about the tequila?"

She shook her head,

No.

"Then, what are we talking about?" He was really curious if she had an answer.

"Me!" She smiled, downing half of her shot glass in a single gulp. This time she grimaced. He refilled her glass. "Daddy, we need to talk. About sex. Intimacy. Me and you. There's lots of stuff I need to know about men. Lots of stuff I need to know about you, and why you only like white girls. I need inside your head, Daddy. You have stuff in there I need to know." She touched his forehead with her finger, "You have to let me in."

"What do you need to know? What do you think I have inside my head that's so important to you. That was a list of questions. Which one first? Which is the most important?"

Mac thought, but only for a second, before replying, "Why do you only like sex with white girls? Is it like the Spike Lee 'Jungle Fever' thing?"

"Why that question? And, why do you need to know so bad?" Spencer responded, surprised.

"I'm not white." Mac put it simply.

Well

,

there it is in a nutshell. This must be the 'Question of Questions' for her.

He set his shot glass aside and took hers from her fingers. He kicked off his shoes and turned on the couch facing Mac. Spencer crossed his legs to match her position. They were now facing with their knees almost touching. He took her hands in his. "I don't know why this is a question for you. But, MacKenzie, I can tell this very important. So, okay. Let me see if I can answer you."

"Your mom wasn't white and I loved having sex with her. Kayla was the first woman I ever had sex with, and the first woman I ever made love to. I'm not sure there's a difference between those two things, but, if there is, then she was my first for both."

"What was mom like? Why her? Am I like her?"

"It's hard to answer what she was like. Like the other half of my soul. Like having a conversation with yourself and realizing there are two voices in your head, not just one. Like a firefly on a fall evening. Like the taste of a drop of sweat from the breast of an eighteen-year-old girl on a hot summer night."

"Why her? Well, until I met your mom, the world was a solitary, lonely place. It felt empty. The first time I saw her, I felt like it was the first time I ever really took a full deep breath."

"You ask me, if you're like her?" He smiled warmly at the thought. "Yes and no! And, before you fly off the handle, let me explain. Everything I just said about your mom is true of you, too. When you were a baby, the first time you ever looked me in the eyes it humbled me. The first time you ever said 'Daddy', I couldn't stop smiling for hours. Hell, it still makes me smile. With you, my life's never empty. My home's full of you. My heart 's full of you. I see you in my dreams every night. I've watched you sleep, just sleep, because sometimes just looking at you makes my heart feel like it'll burst; I feel like I can't swallow. As scary as that feeling is, I like it. It hurts when I look at you, but I can't get enough of it. You're like a drug."

MacKenzie interrupted him, gently. "No, Dad, you're doing it again."

"Doing what?" he asked, genuinely confused.

"Being cerebral! You're thinking too much." She reached down and grabbed the bottom of the tee shirt and lifted it in one fluid motion up, off, tossing it away from her to the floor. "Look at me; I want to know, if I'm like my mom!" She moved her hands in a gesture down her body that said simply,

'This is me!'

He closed his eyes, not because she wasn't beautiful, MacKenzie Dawn Phillips was breathtaking. He closed his eyes, so he could think.

Look at me! Yeah, Baby Jesus, just look at her.

"Open your eyes, Daddy. You're trying to think your way out of this."

He did. And, she was right; he was trying to think his way through this.

Hey, it's what lawyers do!

Mac took a half swallow of her warm tequila. A drop remained on her lips, making them moist and inviting. Spencer reached out with his thumb, wiping the drop away. This time he didn't think as he brought his thumb to his mouth, tasting his daughter's lips.

He closed his eyes,

Spirit of the agave, soul the desert, child of my loins, and a little sweetness,

he smiled in his head,

Maybe it's chocolate. Hot chocolate! God, what a delightful taste.

When he opened his eyes, he appraised her more closely. She saw the look, she'd never seen him look at her like that. His eyes were warm, but dark. So dark. Her nipples tingled and puffed slightly.

"Mac, to answer, I have to touch you." He didn't ask if it was okay. He reached out playfully and rubbed his hand across the top of her head. MacKenzie's hair was short like a boy's. "Your mom had long hair; she liked cornrows, tipped with glass beads on the ends in the colors of sunflowers."

He put a finger to her lips. "Her lips weren't as full as yours. Her lips were firm, determined. Yours are soft and kind of a promise, well ...." He was stuck for the right word.

"If you can't say it, show me." She begged her dad, "Please. Please, Daddy, I really need to know."

Spencer leaned forward, turning his head. Mac leaned her head, closing her eyes. His lips hesitated just over hers, she could feel how close he was by the heat. She heard him take a breath.

She thought he was taking a breath, trying to decide whether or not to kiss her. He was really taking a breath to get a sense of how Mac smelled. Science calls it pheromones. He thought of it as taking in the essence of his daughter. He had never been this close to her before with this intent.

Her scent was simple, real, almost earthy, innocent; she still smelled like a girl, but she almost smelled like a young woman.

She smells? How?

Not perfectly innocent, anymore.

He looked for another word and realized there was only one word for that smell.

Mac smelled 'almost ready' 'Ripe' might be the exact word.

He took the kiss. For the first time in his life, Spencer Phillips kissed his daughter like she was a woman. Like any girl, Mac had waited her whole life to be kissed like a woman. To be unambiguously kissed by someone she loved.

When she finally could she opened her eyes, focusing again.

Holy Shit!

MacKenzie trembled as she whispered, "What do my lips promise, Daddy?

He tried to think carefully of how to say it right for her. But, his ability to think was diminishing rapidly. The skill every lawyer has of crafting words into sentences full of meanings—wordsmithing-- was simply becoming inadequate.

Mac saw him thinking, she couldn't wait any longer for him to work it out. "Just show me if you can't say it? Oh God, Daddy, shut the fuck up and just show me!"

Spencer made a choice. He stood. Another deep breath, this time to gather his courage. He pulled the polo shirt from his body. He unbuckled his belt and stepped out of the khaki slacks. He wasn't wearing underwear. He pulled one sock, then another, and dropped them on the crumpled trousers laying in a pile on the floor.

He sat back down, facing Mac again. He didn't need to look down to see how erect he was. He just knew.