. Although much gentler, the lyric reminded me of a similar line from a song by the
The Monkees
that Mom loved -- one that always had her turning the radio's volume up, whenever it played -- "
We'll have time for coffee-flavored kisses...
" Problem was, we hadn't even gotten coffee; I'd had to rush and only had enough time to give her a kiss in the doorway, as I was leaving. I hadn't wanted to leave Zane; it tore at me to do so, but I needed to be in Richmond for Mom. The divorce had really been doing a number on her, and she needed my shoulder to lean on. It was only right; after all, she'd always been there to support Zane and me. However, the thought of returning to the home I'd lived in for most of my life filled me with dread.
There were really two conflicting worries battling it out in my mind. First, I hadn't wanted to leave Zane. We'd just figured out we were in love with one another, and I was already going through separation anxiety. Second, I was going to have to face Mom. In her worry, Zane had told her about our relationship. I had really been considering doing the same; she'd simply beaten me to it, but she'd told Mom that it'd all been
her
doing. The truth of the matter was that I'd been sort of chasing Zane for years, without her being aware of it or perhaps even fully admitting it to myself. It was a fairly odd and inept chase but, somehow, I had caught her, and I wasn't about to let her go.
We'd been a lot closer when we were younger, but my last couple of years in high school had been the real divider. When she became a senior, we stopped interacting much. I don't think it was intentional; we were simply doing different things. She'd already begun developing her ability to focus her concentration, and getting into college had all of it. I was on the track team, and had gotten involved with drinking and smoking pot with some of my teammates. Zane didn't have much interest in social activities, and had walled herself off from that in order to prepare for further academics, her career and, beyond that, independence.
It was no surprise that Zane got accepted at an excellent college. When she left, we drifted further apart and, at the time, it felt like her abandonment of me was complete. Zane had a closer relationship with Mom, and she'd often worked as an intermediary for me to approach her. With her gone, my senior year seemed to go worse than my junior year, as I struggled with the increasing tension in the house and the pressure to get into college exacerbated my tendency towards escapism. In the end, I was able to attend the local college in Richmond, which helped my relationship with Mom. I didn't hang out with the same friends, but I was still making some of the same poor choices.
I'm certain that living at home was another part of our drift apart. Zane had the opportunity to grow even more independent, while she attended VPI in Blacksburg. I still had Mom and Dad to help with things. During her first year in college, we saw each other on holidays but upon each visit, she had become more distant.
The feeling that my sister and I were becoming strangers had been building for some time but I didn't really acknowledge it until Zane stayed in Blacksburg over winter break of my freshman year in college. During our simple Christmas Eve dinner, Mom was discussing her absence in terms of her plans to get into graduate school. I had a staggering realization that began crushing in on my psyche; she might move far away and I might not see her much ever again.
The thought continued to nag at me as we watched 'A Christmas Carol' that evening. Afterward, when it was over, I ducked out to 'visit' a friends house. Several bong hits later, I arrived back home in an unusually weird frame of mind. Missing Zane terribly, I crawled into her vacant bed to attempt slumber. As I tossed and turned, I worried about a future without her in my life.
Is this where my decisions have brought me?
I kept asking as I drifted off.
In the morning, when I realized where I'd gone to sleep, I felt something akin to Scrooge's revelation and desperation spurred me into action to prevent the desolate future my life might be without her in it. Even as I thought back about the predicament, it was pretty difficult to come to terms with all that I'd done to increase my chances to be near her. During my sophomore year in college, I'd gotten into a good group of friends that studied, broke off with people that introduced any negative influence, and even broken up with my sometimes girlfriend over the summer break. Unfortunately, none of this could be witnessed since Zane still hadn't returned home.
Christmas break of her junior year, I was granted a fantastic two-week reprieve. When I saw her, she looked exhausted and said she needed a stress break from feverishly working on her undergraduate research. It was part of her strategy for getting accepted into a graduate school, but her efforts to publish had drained her. As she recovered some during the first few days of her visit, we must have talked more, then, than we had in the last four years. We stayed up late in one another's rooms conversing into the wee hours of the morning. It was like a reintroduction to one another, and acted as a kind of reset.
During the final days of her stay, there was an incident born of careless eagerness, nothing I intended. It felt like our days together were disappearing quickly and, in a rush to have another confab, I'd burst into her bedroom without knocking in the midst of her changing. She was fully undressed and, though I closed the door quickly as I apologized profusely, there was no way I could ever 'un-see' the sheer beauty of her perfect form. When she was finished, she simply invited me in and we carried on as if nothing had happened. Actually, I should say that SHE carried on as if nothing had happened. I had a real problem forcing that image of her utter loveliness to the back of my mind so that our chatter could go on.
Later that night, as I replayed the incident in my head, I'd tried to convince myself my five month celibacy hadn't been a trigger for what I was then feeling. I was fairly certain our recent closeness was working to bring back all my old feelings of love in a forceful rush. Accompanying them was something unexpected and unintended -- lust. I had attempted to push this thought away; it wasn't right, it wasn't what a brother should feel. Guilt plagued me when the idea wouldn't turn me loose. Entwined with my love for her, this new feeling of desire burned deep.
Untrusting of my feelings or my interpretation of them, I attempted to ignore my attraction to her, but those lingering questions found me capitalizing every moment we were together. I listened intently, in every conversation, for clues that gave me more insight into her. It seemed like we'd become closer in ways we hadn't been for quite some time. I realized, then, how much I had missed that closeness, and determined that it was truly what had been missing in my life.
Her commitment to what she was doing was inspiring. The way her mind worked excited me, mentally and emotionally, and that only compounded what I was starting to feel for her, physically. There were a number of small things she said or did that also encouraged me, broke through my defenses, and somehow awakened me to a new reality. I wanted to become more independent and experience the success she was having. When she told me how she was deflecting endeavors at relationships until after graduate school; that's when I decided to take a chance.
I guess there were other things that helped frame my newfound direction. There was already tension in the house; Dad and Mom weren't really getting along very well. I knew Zane hadn't really seen it, since they both covered it up whenever she was around, but the dishonesty in Dad's behavior had been pretty obvious, to me, for a long time.
Looking back, I regretted not having consulted Mom about my suspicions, although at the time, I thought she knew and simply didn't care. I think this stress may have been the main trigger that caused my feelings for Zane to resurface with such a vengeance. Everything had gone more smoothly when Zane was around and I longed for those better times of years gone by, when our closeness had been a buffer against the stormy seasons.
In my spring semester, I continued my self-improvements, and kept working at them. Zane's pursuit of education had spurred me, challenged me to do even better -- I wanted to show her I could do it, too. Then she'd see that I could be reliable for her and maybe that would keep her close. I knew it wasn't completely logical; I don't even know if I was doing all of this consciously. Somewhere down deep, it felt right, though. I really knuckled down, devoted myself to studying for my courses and worked for the grades.
