I laid in bed awake but uneasy. My mind had been racing and I didn't want to address the reason. I had woken up a little later than usual, with Jessica still in the bed with me. She was on her side and I was right behind her with my hand resting on her hip. I reflected on our interaction the night before which initially brought a smile to my face. Unfortunately my thoughts had taken a darker turn and I was unable to push them from my mind. I felt Jessica stir while waking as she stretched and shifted in the bed, realizing I was still there with her. I heard her murmur in satisfaction, possibly from the same recent memories. She carefully slipped out of bed, obviously thinking I was still asleep. I faked it until she left the room. She clicked her tongue to call Pops to follow her. To my surprise my cat actually listened and jumped down from the bed to saunter after her. I could hear her voice as she talked to him while heading for the kitchen.
"Come on buddy. I'll get your food for you. If you ask me nicely I'll see if I can find your treats too."
I waited a minute before getting up and heading for the bathroom. I closed the door behind me and started getting ready for the day. I wasn't sure there was anything that needed to be done, as I was too tired last night to plan ahead. I guessed some grocery shopping was probably in order. We had been going over direct hire jobs that she might want to apply for, so that might also end up on the agenda. I threw on my pajama pants and headed out to see what was going on. Jessica was in the kitchen making breakfast. She was clad in an oversized t-shirt and her pajama pants. I guess it was still a little chilly to expect something else. Eggs, bacon, toast, and juice were apparently on the menu for this morning. She was trying to get it all together on both plates as I showed up to help her out. Once we sat down she was happily chewing away while quietly humming. I was quiet and preoccupied. She noticed and looked at me quizzically.
"What's wrong?"
I hadn't really worked out how to handle this and I was sure I wasn't ready to, but she could tell something was amiss. It was too late to try to avoid it so I decided to just plow ahead.
"Last night was a mistake."
I didn't mean for it to come out like that. I saw her expression change in an instant. Ten seconds ago she had been humming away, and with those five blunt words she now looked concerned and a little hurt.
"It didn't seem like a mistake." she replied.
"I shouldn't have ever let it get that far. I shouldn't have taken advantage of you like that."
Her expression went from hurt to puzzled. Was I explaining it wrong? I was pretty sure I was being clear, but her reaction seemed like something I was saying or how I was saying it wasn't quite correct.
"I don't get it." she said. "How do you think you took advantage of me?""
"Well, you know. Last night."
"Brad, if anyone is being taken advantage of, I would think it was you. I'm staying in your home, I'm eating your food, I'm adding to your bills, yesterday you taxied me around in order to help me find a job, and you're letting me sleep in your bed."
"Yeah, but last night..."
"What? You're cute. You've been nothing but good to me. You've made me feel safe. I'm lonely."
"I don't want you to think I brought you here just for sex."
"With how you've treated me, I don't think that. Do you think you forced yourself on me?"
"No! I would never do that."
"Then don't think you're taking advantage of me. I'm a big girl. I can make my own decisions. Plus, it'll put a damper on things when it happens again."
I raised my eyebrow in a questioning manner. When it happens again? She was smiling again and started humming as she returned her attention to her breakfast. When we finished she got up and grabbed our plates to put them in the sink. As she passed behind me she stopped.
"Geez, what happened to you?" she asked.
"What? With what? What are you talking about?"
"What happened to your back? Did Pops get you or something?"
She lightly touched the marks on my back. I couldn't see how bad they were, so I hadn't seen what she was seeing.
"Ummm, that was you. You know...last night."
"Oh God, I'm so sorry. Why didn't you say something?"
"We were both a little preoccupied and it would have spoiled the mood."
"Yeah. We should probably talk about that, huh?"
We had previously had several conversations in which there was no fluff, filler, or beating around the bush. We both could be direct, to the point, and brusque. It worked well for both of us and tended to limit the ambiguity of our meanings. It usually occurred in conversations that would normally be uncomfortable or awkward in nature. I felt that we were about to have one of those types of discussions. She sat back down at the table opposite me in order to talk.
"So about last night. Just so we're clear, you didn't take advantage of me. I made a decision and I don't regret it. I don't feel guilty or remorseful. The only thing I am sorry about is hurting you. I didn't know I was doing that." she explained.
"I still feel guilty though. I don't just hop into bed with every woman I meet. I'm not like that."
"I didn't think you were, otherwise you would've tried that maybe on my first night here, probably on my second night, most definitely on my third night."
I was unconvinced and my guilt remained. Her denial made it so I had to gloss it over in order to move on.