Not so Innocent

I've worked for this company for around 18 months. I came in entry level but moved up really quickly and surpassed others on my way to a department manager title. I can say absolutely that my promotions were based on hard work and intelligence...I don't think my boss noticed me - I mean really noticed - until we had to spend so much time together recently.

My boss...We'll call him JP. He's 50 - more than double my age in case you were wondering - and has been married for longer than I've been alive. The man can be abrasive but those of us who work with him know him to be funny, brilliant and a guy with a genuinely big heart. JP oversees 7 departments including mine and is much more involved than others in his position. He keeps all of his department heads in contact with him and each other everyday. Once a month the eight of us get together for a lengthly meeting always followed by a mini-celebration. It was at one of these meetings in December that things started to spin...But I owe you more back story than that.

Let's move back to October. There were some interesting changes coming to the company and more responsibility moving onto my shoulders so PJ was spending some more time with me, both of us preparing. I honestly wish I could pinpoint the moment I realized that I was attracted to PJ. Here's the thing: he is not what I would have ever called my type. Much older, MARRIED, and generally not the physically condition I've sought out in the past. Mind you I think anyone on the street would find PJ handsome and he is but there is a difference between that and well, you know...wanting someone. It was just kind of light a slow lightbulb for me. PJ was in my office - a small closet of an office mind you - and I could smell him, really look at him. I liked what I saw. I loved his personality; at this point we were already good friends. I realized throughout October that I might be just a little bit into my boss.

There are a few moments that, at the time, I took as flirting. Not totally innocent but just flirting and that's not a big deal, right? Anyway PJ is a flirtatious guy by nature and I'm a huge flirt so I didn't take it seriously while it was happening. There was one night when PJ & I were standing in my office in the relative privacy provided by a closed door. I was standing in the corner of the office with my back to a phone. PJ was next to me, using the computer. The phone rang and without a word and as though it were nothing, PJ reached around me to answer it. This move was impossible without pinning me in the corner and pressing himself up against me. Now we'd hug and flirted, like I said, so it wasn't like any contact at all was a shock. Honestly, I assumed PJ didn't realize what he'd done. He wouldn't make a move like that intentionally, of course (have I mentioned I was oblivious?). I made a joke of it and said, "I like when you pin me against the wall." PJ smiled and winked at me but said nothing and we just fell back into work.

OK I have to be honest now; after that night I was looking at PJ differently. My mind just couldn't get away from thinking about having him up against me like that again...and everything I could imagine that leading to. There were a few times when I took an opportunity to slide past him with my ass right against his groin but figured he didn't even notice. Once or twice I thought he may have grazed my chest or ass but brushed it off as accidental.

His birthday rolled around at the end of November. We'd worked alot together throughout that month and had become even better friends so I bought PJ a simple birthday present and stopped at the other company location he happened to be at on that day to deliver it to him along with a birthday hug. After a little time spent talking shop with a department head at that location, PJ and I walked out into the parking lot together. I noticed his SUV double-parked and questioned him. Apparently PJ's wife had come to pick him up because they were going out to dinner together. Honestly I was excited at the opportunity to meet his wife! Still...I found myself kind of disappointed and at the moment I wondered why. What was I going to do if his wife hadn't been there? I still don't know the answer to that question. We hugged and parted and I thought that was it.

PJ texted me which was normal behavior a little while later and told me that he was disappointed in me. We have a long-running joke among our department heads about different kinds of hugs. One that PJ hates from people he's friends with is that kind of lean where you just sort of hug the person but it doesn't seem like you actually want to hug the person. He was disappointed because I'd just leaned instead of actually hugging him like normal. The texts were the start of things becoming slightly less innocent...

Me: I didn't know what I was supposed to do. Your wife was right there!

PJ: What would you done if she hadn't been?

Me: ...too late to find out now.

PJ: Next time?

Me: Maybe.

Yes I knew it was wrong! The man was texting me from dinner with his wife about what I'd like to do with him without her around. I honestly felt kind of guilty but since it was just texting I assumed he didn't take it seriously so I let it go. The texts continued over the next week, leading up to our team meeting in December. After every meeting all of us headed to a bar/restaurant across the street for drinks and bar food. Its something I think we all look forward to and it gets more fun after we're all a few drinks in. PJ drinks and talks like the rest of us, never holding himself like he was above us and making himself part of the group. At a past meeting PJ told a story about a time long before when at this exact bar a woman that he worked with followed him into the bathroom and serviced him in the third stall. None of us doubted the story and we kept it alive as an inside joke.

I was feeling looser a couple hours in when PJ stood to go to the bathroom. I couldn't tell you what came over me but speaking so only he could hear me I said, "Maybe I'll meet you in the third stall." PJ knew what I meant.

"Come on then," PJ challeneged. I was surprised. I thought he'd blow me off or laugh but the lust was obvious in his eyes. I didn't have that kind of courage! Really I was nervous that he'd reject me if I actually did follow him in there. A few minutes later PJ returned and shook his head at me simply. The text message came a moment later...

PJ: You're all talk.

Me: You wouldn't know what to do with me.

PJ: You have no idea. Are you prepared to test that?

The heavy flirting via text continued throughout the night. I was getting a little nervous. I knew PJ was serious now and had not expected that. We all left the bar together and separated for our cars. My phone rang before I could even start the engine. It was PJ. His question was simple. "Where you going?" I played coy, not ready to put myself out there if he was just joking. A few minutes later I followed his car to a more secluded bar in the same area. We sat at the bar, ordered our usual drinks.

PJ told me that he wanted me to know that he had a great marriage and cared deeply for his wife. I noticed but never mentioned and never will that he didn't use the term 'love'. He felt that I needed to know for sure that he did not stray from his marriage habitually and would not do so on a whim...but he was really into me. When asked directly, I couldn't and didn't want to tell the lie that I wasn't very attracted to him as well. PJ leaned in, kissed my neck and asked me what that meant for 'us'.

Those drinks were gone in gulps and the next thing I knew, I was slammed into the front of his SUV and we were all over each other. The kissing - from a mix of adrenaline and alcohol - did not start out gently. We both dove right in. One of my legs was wrapped around him, my hips were grinding against his growing erection with a mind of their own and his hands had crept up my sweatshirt. The honking of teenagers in the parking lot quickly put an end to the show...for the moment, it was over. PJ sent me home with a final kiss and the instruction to really think about whether or not I wanted to dive into this with him....

I had no idea how far it would go!