I was no longer sure about my feelings. I loved Arabella, and I loved Alex too, but I felt like I was on a see-saw, or one of those roundabouts at kids' playgrounds, which could spin you off if it went too fast and you let go of the rail.
I was sleeping with both of them; and sometimes it was sister Arabella one night and lover Bella another, and sometimes I said to Alex, "Just hold me." But we'd always make love in the morning. I didn't know what I wanted.
It got colder. "There's snow on the Brindabellas," Alex said. "The wind comes over the top, from the mountains."
I looked at a map in the library, and saw how Canberra was not far from the Snowys. I'd thought they were much further south. Then the winter rains came in, and I learned what it meant to be really cold. Alex took back his white jumper, and I bought myself a thick quilted jacket. I turned into a little padded gnome, with boots and a beanie and cold ears. And the tip of my nose was always red. It was ridiculous, really.
Arabella didn't seem to feel the cold so much, but she'd coil her hair about her throat like a scarf, and took to wearing a bomber jacket she bought from Vinnies for ten bucks. She bargained the lady down from twenty, with a story about being an orphan. As we walked home, I said to her, "That was a good story, Arabella," and she replied, "Well, I might be." And I realised I didn't know for sure, and for once, I shut my mouth. But she'd changed the subject already, like a switch, as she often did.
"Has Arabella mentioned her parents," I asked Alex that night.
"Not for a long time. Why?"
"Oh, nothing. Something she said. I must have misheard." I didn't tell him the orphan story, just in case it was true, and she'd not told me. Then I realised how gullible I was, because she had spoken about her mum and dad, and mentioned her dad living overseas. You're being an idiot, Leah!
What I was being, was confused.
Alex tried to help, but since I couldn't articulate my feelings properly - well, not at all, to be honest, he was left feeling puzzled. And when I went to see Arabella, she wasn't in her room, which was unusual for a Saturday night. I went to see Alex, up in his room.
"Have you seen Bella?"
"Not since dinner. She's not in her room?"
"I don't think so. I knocked but there was no answer, and the door's locked."
"Maybe she's down at the library," Alex said.
"I hope she gets back soon. That rain's really coming down." I looked out the window, into the dark. "Can I stay with you tonight?"
Alex looked at me the way he does when he doesn't have to say yes, but I know it, anyway. His smile! He nodded, of course I could stay.
Even so, I shivered, suddenly cold. The rain was really belting down, with gusts lashing at the window, raindrops exploding on the glass. "God, that is fierce. It must be freezing out there. I do hope Bella's not in it."
"She'll be fine," said Alex, but I wasn't sure. I snuggled up under his top cover, while he finished whatever he was writing. The wind howled, rattling the window in its pane.
"Is this typical?" I asked. "For winter, I mean."
"It's more often cold and dry. And if you're out of the wind, it can be quite warm. Not tonight though. Yeah, this is vicious weather."
He looked across at me, affection in his eyes. "Why don't you get ready for bed? I'm just about done, here."
I did, going down to the loo for a last pee, brushing my teeth - we kept a toothbrush in each other's rooms. It was my turn to warm the cold bed, but I slipped into one of Alex's tee-shirts, so it wasn't too bad. And I knew he'd soon heat me up.
"God, your bum gets cold, Leah!" he'd say.
"Just as well you're hot then," I'd reply.
"I bet you say that to all the boys."
"Tease!"
"Cold toes. Here, put them on me."
And I'd curl up on top of him, my cold feet against his thighs, and soon enough, I'd be warm. His hot length would fill me, and I'd moan.
But we didn't get that far. All of a sudden there was a hammering on the door. "G..g...guys, I n...n...need h...h...help!"
It was Arabella, soaked to the skin, her lips and hands, blue.
