Steamboat Springs New Start Pt 08

Part Eight, I think Steph is done with me...

The alarm woke me up at 5 AM, as usual. Last night was still on my mind. Did I love Steph? Or was I just in lust for Steph? Did I still have strong feelings for Sandy? My thoughts were all over the map as I lay in bed. Last night was great and feelings were still fresh in my mind. God, my dick was still hard. I got up and went to my dresser to retrieve a pair of panties. I had time to rub out a quickie.

I pulled my briefs down and caressed my dick with the panties. Sliding my hand up and down felt great. I thought alternately of Steph and Sandy. I could see their nude bodies and beautiful faces as I closed my eyes and began sliding the panties back and forth over the head of my dick. It felt so good. I could remember the taste of Sandy and the feel of Steph on my face with hot water running over our bodies. The friction of the panties sliding over my dick felt every bit as good as having my dick in Sandy's hot, moist vagina as I slid in and out of her.

I relived the feelings of Steph's hot, wet body sliding all over me in the shower. It was just as good as the feeling of Sandy's hot body pressed against mine as we thrust into each other, holding onto each other as one being. The thought of physical contact filled me with the sexual feelings we created for each other. The friction of the panties sliding over my dick filled me with sexual tension. My groin was filling with feeling of pleasure from each stroke of the panties.

Was this for me and Sandy or me and Steph? Or, was it all for me to remind me of what it was to be with a beautiful woman? Visions of their naked bodies filled me with lust for the physical sensations of moving my body against theirs. And suddenly my focus snapped to the feeling of my dick being sucked into Sandy's warm moist pussy as it began to clench on me, trying to milk the cum out of my dick. I crashed through the point of no return and the orgasm exploded out of my balls.

I barely had time to pull the panties off my dick when my first ejaculation squirted out of my dick and onto my chest. The waves of pleasure flowed right behind the first squirt and into the second as my fingers and thumbs quickly jerked up and down on my dick in time with the squirts and ejaculations and waves of pleasure as I came. The jerking up and down on my shaft was instinctive. My eyes were closed and my mind full of images as wave after wave of pleasure flowed back into my body from my pulsing dick.

I was done squirting, but I kept jacking as the waves of pleasure continued coming out of my dick. I was in heaven and I had brought myself there physically, by myself, while filled by the thoughts and images of Sandy and Steph. I finally came down and the waves of pleasure ran out. The cum was pooled on my chest and ran down to my navel. I quickly grabbed some tissues and began to clean myself up before making a mess on my bedding.

I stood up and threw the tissues in the trash. The bed was wet from sweat where my butt had been. And the panties were next to my pillow. They were Sandy's panties so I carefully picked them up and gently held them to my nose. Her scent filled my being and I knew this session had been for her and in her memory. I still missed her. I carefully returned her panties to the drawer and turned to get dressed and ready for work. I could see a small wet spot on my briefs from my dick as I pulled up my pants. That had been a nice experience and a great way to get ready for work.

After I was fully dressed, I went down to the office to get my thermos and egg muffin. There was an extra bounce in my step. I felt good and I was looking forward to seeing Steph again. I got to the office and went in. My thermos and egg were on the counter, but no Steph. Seemed a bit odd at the moment. I rang the bell and there was no response. Shit. I was disappointed I didn't get to see her and thank her for last night. I looked at the counter and there was nothing I could use to leave a short note. I would see her this evening. I took the thermos and egg sandwich and left for work.

Everything was the same at work. A little more organized than when I had first hired on. I had developed a better work flow. The job was getting easier through organization. Brenda was a little friendlier and way less caustic. Wendy was just as flirty as ever, but I wasn't ready to go down the drug path... Paul even seemed to like me a little more.

So, life was good. The earth hadn't fallen off its axis. Steph had probably been in the bathroom or busy before I left for work this morning. I would see her this evening.

When work ended, I hurried back up to The Barn. I went to my room to get a change of clothes and continued to the bath house to freshen up. I didn't want to see Steph being all stinky and dirty. I cleaned up and went back down to my room. I noticed my clothes from last night had been washed and folded and put on the dresser. I had forgotten all about them when I left Steph's room last night. I got my thermos and headed for the office. The front door was locked. I went around back and Steph was sitting in an Adirondack chair with a glass of wine. She wore her usual flannel and overalls.

"You are beautiful as ever." I said, sincerely meaning it. She looked up at me for a second and said nothing.

"Am I?" she finally responded. She wasn't smiling.

I'm a blockhead, and usually pretty slow on the conversational uptake. But even I could sense something was different with Steph. Confused, I moved forward cautiously.

"Yes, you are. You are to me." I tried to sound as sincere as I really was.

"Did you bring me your thermos?" She asked, looking at the thermos in my hand.

"Yeah." I said, holding it up.

"For coffee in the morning?" There was an adversarial tone in her voice. This change in demeanor was about coffee?

"Yeah..." This was going badly. I think I really fucked something up.

"You want one egg muffin or two?"

"...Just one?"

There was a long moment of silence. Was this about coffee and muffins?

"So, am I your mother?" Where the hell did that come from?

Shit. I'm fucked. I knew how Steph felt when she believed someone was taking advantage of her. Asking about being my mother was a sure sign I was fucking up. What had I done to make her think I thought of her as a mother figure, there to take care of me?

"...No..."

"Then why do you treat me like I am?" Steph was upset and being very measured, controlling her emotions.

"Can I sit down?"

"Why do you ask? Do you need me to get you a chair?" She didn't move. Her eyes were intense and she was waiting for an answer.

I didn't know if I needed to turn and leave. I thought that would really be a bad idea. Should I just stand and get dressed down? Should I drag a stool over, or just drop to the ground? I didn't want to make another mistake. She was mad at me and she probably had a just reason in her mind. I was an idiot, but I didn't know how to take my beating or what the beating was for. Was a beating justified? Should I be getting mad at Steph?

Think, you fucking idiot!

"Can I just sit here on the ground?" I asked.

"Sure, if you want to get your clothes dirty and need them washed."

Was this about coffee and muffins and laundry? What had I misread? What did I fail to do? My total lack of understanding what women needed from a relationship was going to get me fucked, and not in a good sense of the word.

I got a stool and placed it about six feet in front of her. I didn't think she wanted me close. I think I needed to stay out of her space. I sat down on the stool and looked at the ground. I put the stupid thermos down.

"What do you think of me?" she asked with a little less edge in her voice.

"You're beautiful. You're the most amazing woman I've ever met. I like being with you." My head was lower than hers and I was looking up into a really pissed off face.

"So, I am just an object to you. A beautiful object. Someone you can be seen with."

"No. I like being alone with just you. I like the things we do together. I don't think about what we look like in public and what others think."

"So, I am supposed to take care of you? Be like your mother, the woman you don't think much of. Is that what you're telling me?"

"No. You're not my mother. I don't want you to be my mother. I want you to be with you. I want to know who you are." I sounded like a blabbering idiot.

"You're right, at least about something. I am not your mother. And I won't be. You're an adult, in years anyway. But you never grew up. It's all about you, isn't it? You don't get it. Do you?"

What Steph was saying was mean and hurtful. She was calling me out. She was calling "BULLSHIT" on me. And I guess she was right. I hadn't grown up. She sees me as needy. I'm not very thoughtful. I'm unaware of other people's needs. I don't always realize it, but I am self-centered. I think I am doing things right in relationships, but I really just don't get it.

"You're right Steph. I don't understand how I should be now. I don't know who you want me to be. I don't know how to be that person... Do you need me to leave?" I was lost. I didn't know what to do or say. I was falling into a black hole.

"Do you want to leave?"

"God, no! I don't want to leave. I want to be here... You're probably right to feel the way you do, right now. I've never felt like I do when I'm with you. I want to be with you. I want to be the person you want in your life. But I need help. Will you help me be that person you need?"

Tears were welling up in my eyes. I was so close to once again, losing the one thing that meant the most to me in my life. I'd fall apart if she pushed me out of her life.

"I don't want to lose you, Steph...Please." A tear rolled down my cheek.

"I do like you, Jim. But you have to understand that a relationship is 50/50. You have to share everything equally with the other person. I'm not here to take care of you. I will help you, but you will need to help me in return. That's what a relationship is. Can you do that?" She was giving me the choice to start a relationship or walk away.

I kept my head down, lost in thought. My chest was ready to explode from hurt, anger, apprehension, confusion. Where is this all coming from? What did I do wrong? What did I miss? Steph didn't pause for long before she spoke again. It was dismissal.

"I think you need to leave now... and think about our conversation and what our relationship is supposed to be. I am my own woman. I don't need a man in my life. I will share that tidbit with you. But you need to decide how you are going to start being involved if we are going to be in a meaningful relationship."

I got up and put the stool back in its place. I turned to leave. My mind was a jumble. I was missing so many pieces of the puzzle. I wasn't really sure of what I'd done wrong or what I need to do to fix the problem. I was crushed.

"Leave me your thermos."

"That's okay. The coach has coffee. I love your coffee, but I don't want to take advantage of you that way, not if you don't want me to."

"No, I'd like to share my coffee with you in the morning. Leave your thermos."

"Okay. I like sharing coffee with you." I handed her my thermos and she brushed my hand as she took it. She still had a very serious look on her face, but there was just a tiny hint of a smile in one corner of her lips.

I went back to my room and had a long evening of thinking about what she said. And I took a long look at what mom had done for me all my life and that I never realized it. I took it all for granted. What was that a reflection of? Why did I grow up that way, being so self-centered. I probably screwed things up so bad with Steph that a meaningful relationship couldn't become a reality. Maybe my sights were set to high. Steph was at another level. Maybe I needed to lower my expectations.

I left a crappy life in Denver to start a new life in Steamboat. I fucked up royal and cratered in Steamboat and it only took two weeks. Well, at least I got the part of being a fuck up down pat. It's going to be a long night.

Steph and Sandy and our relationships were the furthest things from my mind. Any thing good from the past weeks had been erased. The panties in my dresser were not even the least bit arousing. I felt nothing sexual seeing them. I was empty. I had lost Sandy. I had lost Steph. I had nothing. Steamboat Springs was an awful place to be. It was hell on earth. How did I end up here?

Fuck me!

The alarm finally went off. It had been Wednesday morning for five hours. I had watched all the minutes tick by as I waited for the alarm to go off. I was numb. I hated this roller coaster ride. Every ascent to the sunshine above the clouds ended in a crash onto the rocks below. I can't survive living like this. I missed Sandy. I was afraid of Steph. I wanted to sneak off to work and come back really late. My world had shrunk to this tiny room and my job at the Ptarmigan.

I got out of bed and mindlessly got dressed. I went up to the bath house and did what I normally did, not thinking about it. I was just going through the motions. I didn't want to go to the office. I didn't want another confrontation. I didn't want my thermos or coffee. I just wanted to be in my work space. At least I had some sense of control there. I stepped out of my room. Truck or office? It would be a cosmic fuck up not going to the office. If I went straight to work, I may as well just keep heading west.

I went to the office to get my thermos. It was on the counter with a brown bag, but there was no Steph. There were no notes. That hurt. Maybe I should just leave it and go. I figured I was probably done. I finally picked up the thermos and brown bag. I slowly walked out to my truck and left for work with a heavy heart. Was this Steph's evil plan? She wanted me to keep thinking about myself. What I expect other people to do for me. How I'm supposed to interact with everyone and everything around me.

I sat in the stock area, drank my coffee and ate my last egg muffin. I would have to go to the grocery store after work to buy tomorrow's food for breakfast and lunch. It was time to start taking care of myself. I would have to make a plan for my long-term survival. It would be hard. I would make a lot of mistakes. But maybe it would turn out okay in the long run.

The work bench in my area had an electrical out let so I could buy a coffee maker. One easy step toward making myself more self-sufficient. Wendy would still be my source for break food, but I needed to be able to take care of myself. Time to be on my own, really on my own.

Paul came by for his warm up. He noticed I seemed a bit down.

"Bad day?"

"Yeah."

"Hey, you're doing a great job here. You're the most competent fuck up I've had for a long time."

"Thanks, boss. I'll try to keep you happy."

"You better. I'll dump your useless ass."

"Won't be the first time this week..." I responded. Paul gave me a strange look.

"I'm no therapist. If you need words of encouragement, see Brenda. She'll fix ya up." And off he went to brighten someone else's day.

One thing for sure, I was not going to go see Brenda.

I threw myself into the job and took care of everyone. No one was wanting. I got ahead and was able to help the framing crew for an hour. They finally took my hammer away because I was bending so many nails.

"Christ, boy. Just place the studs. We'll nail 'em in. It'll be faster and we'll save on the cost of nails." I guess I need work on my hammer skills.

I spent the day making sure everything was done that needed to be done. I put more supplies in the work areas so the carpenters, fitters and electricians had all the supplies they needed for a couple of days. I even chatted them up to see what else I could do to make their lives easier. I was in a good position to make their lives easier. Do my part to contribute to the success of the organization. It felt good.

Quitting time rolled around, so I packed up and jumped in the truck. One of the framers came by and told me that it was beer time at the Cave Inn. He'd buy my first one. I begged off and told him maybe next time. Then I headed for the grocery. I had decided between last night and today that I needed to replace all the groceries Steph had been giving over the last two weeks. It wasn't fair she was spending her money on groceries and feeding me for free. She wasn't my mom. I had come to that realization. And I realized I didn't know how to show any appreciation and say "thank you" for the simple things.

It was a long, introspective drive to town. I got to the grocery store and found my usual parking location. At least I was becoming a creature of habit in some respects. I recognized some of the trucks from work and some of the townies I had seen here in the past. There was a bit of familiarity so not all had been lost in the past couple of days. I went into the familiar confines of the grocery store.

I got the big size cart and started down the aisles. I went to housewares and found a 12-cup coffee pot. I got a stack of filters the coffee pot box told me to get. I went to the coffee shelf and got four cans of Folgers, two for me and two for Steph. I went into produce and got some granny smith apples, onions, potatoes, peppers, mushrooms and tomatoes. In dairy I got eggs, milk and cheese. Over in meats I got a steak, chicken breasts, hamburger, Jimmy Dean sausage and bacon. I got biscuits and bread in the bakery. I got a couple of bags of hash browns in the freezer aisle. Then I went to the deli and got all the day old sandwiches they had left.

I got into Deb's checkout line and waited my turn.

"Well, hello again. We have to stop meeting like this." She had a huge smile and looked good.

"Well, a fella's gotta eat."

"Looks like a party. Need a date?" She had looked over my cart and figured I was shopping for some things I usually didn't shop for.

"Oh, no...no party. Just pay back."

"Okay.,, Hey, we do a bible study on Thursday nights. 8 o'clock."

"I don't have a bible, so I guess not this time."

"Playin' hard to get, are ya? We got all sorts of extra bibles if you can read. And I will even be there."

"Yeah, I guess so. I can read, but not this time, okay?"

She smiled and rang up all the items in my cart. She kept looking and smiling. "Is she flirting?"

I settled up the tab. It was way more than I expected. I was glad payday was Friday. My money supply was getting low. Where was all my cash going? I started toward the door with my cart, head down. There's a lot more to living alone than I had envisioned.

"Think of me tomorrow..."

I looked back to Deb.

"Bible study, ya know. You'd be welcomed."

It cost more to live alone than I imagined. An apartment was certainly out of the question. The Barn was my only affordable option. So, I loaded up the truck and headed home. Hopefully Steph was around because a bunch of the groceries needed refrigeration.

I left my coffee supplies in the truck. No sense dragging that back and forth now. I put my other groceries in the cooler and headed to the office with the rest. The office door was open. I went in and rang the bell. Steph didn't come out, so I put the bags on the counter and went back to my room. Batting a thousand, ace.

I got a clean change of clothes and my kit and went to the bath house. Maybe a shower and clean clothes would make me feel better. A hot shower felt good. I tried to soap up my dick and jerk off, but there was nothing I could do to get an erection. Things were not going great. So, I did a long, hot soak. The heat and flowing water had a therapeutic effect and helped my state of mind. I got back to the room in a better mood. Morning was going to come early, so I set my alarm and went to bed. It was another long night of tossing and turning and trying to accept my demise.