I was sorting through the usual parish post-bag one summer morning when I spotted the note. It was not in an envelope and did not bear a stamp. It was hand-written, in a flowery calligraphy. It took me aback and I had to read it twice, three times, to absorb what the words said. Here they are...
"Dear Vicar,
I dream of your mouth. I dream of your mouth pressed first against my neck, kissing me there where my pulse beats, and then the sweet lips of your mouth sucking gently on my stiff nipples.
Yours, Stella"
My first feeling was total horror. I only knew one Stella, Stella Norte, and she was a member of my congregation, an American who had only moved to Little Chiselford a few months previously. I was worried, because relations between the clergy and their flock are inappropriate and forbidden. And I would now have to deal with Mrs Norte, knowing that she had sent this lewd message. Maybe it was a mistake, I thought. Perhaps it was intended for another vicar. But that could hardly be the case. I didn't know what to do, so I went into the empty church for a little conversation with God, to see if he could advise me on how to handle Mrs Norte's misguided passion. I had heard about this kind of thing - us vicars are not totally unworldly - in the Church of England newsletter. No doubt about it; "relations" with parishioners always ended badly, from what I had seen. I sat at the end of a pew, alone with my thoughts, head bowed towards the altar, hands clasped together. I began to pray for guidance.
And then I began to think about her words. She wanted my mouth. Why? But more importantly, where? She wanted my mouth on her neck... and then... her "stiff nipples". As I tried to pray to God, I felt something rising down below in my trousers. I tried to fight the stirring in my loins, but in vain. All I could see was Stella, sat on my lap, peeling off her bra, showing me her flesh, offering the hard points of her nipples to my mouth. For me to suck. I remembered how she often wore low-cut tops, which showed off her full, big chest. I wondered how experienced she was; she must be a good 10 years older than me. I tried to blank out this vision with other, more appropriate images; of the Garden of Gethsemane, of how Jesus suffered for our sins. But it was hard to block the sight of Stella, her head thrown back, as she clasped my blond head to her bosom. I began to read out chapters from Psalms, out loud, to drown out the temptation.
When I returned to my office, I composed a note to Mrs Norte.
"Dear Mrs Norte,
I received your letter of Tuesday the 14th and I was surprised by the familiar tone of it. As your vicar, I believe you may have acted impulsively and inappropriately, and I would advise you to desist. You are always welcome within my flock, but I must urge you to avoid such messages.
Sincerely The Vicar."
I was glad to hear nothing of Mrs Norte and to see nothing of her in the ensuing days. But on Friday evening, while conducting evensong, I noticed her in the congregation. She was wearing a black dress, even more low-cut than normal, which exposed the creamy flesh of her cleavage. She was alone. I tried to focus on the rest of the church, and ignore her. But on the one occasion that she caught my eye, and held it, I saw her run her tongue, subtly, over her upper lip. I was trying to read the sermon, and stumbled over my sentence. Soon I regained the thread of my text, however, and the rest of the service passed without mishap. That evening, as I cooked a humble meal of shepherd's pie and carrots, I thought about the last woman in my life, Jane, who had left me seven years previously to become a nun. I had never seen her naked. Although once, while she was changing, I caught a glimpse of her in a bra. But we were not married, so we could not enjoy the sins of the flesh, and even our kisses were chaste. That night I prayed to resist temptation, and for God to block out the vision of Stella Norte, breathing heavily as she pushed her nipples into my mouth.
The next morning, the post-bag was full of the usual mail from the congregation, as well as electricity bills and so on. And then I saw it. Another, hand-written missive, in the same pen as before.
"Dear Vicar,
I noticed a bulge in your trousers today at evensong. What were you thinking of? Were you thinking of the moist, secret, swollen lips between my thighs and the way I dream of your long, slender finger separating those lips, pushing in deeply, deeply..."
When I read it I was shocked. So explicit. So shameless. So...disturbing. I held the letter aloft, ripped it in two, and hurled it into the waste paper basket. What on earth was she thinking? She knew how wrong this was, to put temptation in the path of one so holy. I sat at the kitchen table, head in my hands, wondering how I could confront her and tell her to desist. And then, temptation overcame me. I removed the pieces of paper from the bin, spread them out on the table, and re-read the message. So she wanted...my fingers...between her swollen lips. I tried to fight the feeling, the strange feeling, of arousal. I felt the stem rise between my legs, unbidden, unwanted. But I was angry too. What was Mrs Norte playing at? She was teasing me; that was what it was. This was a wind-up, surely.
I found a notepad and penned another note: This time, it was brief and to the point.
"Dear Mrs Norte,