For more than a year my girlfriends have heard me refer to you as "the cute Dad at school that I have a crush on." Even that long ago I would get butterflies in my stomach just thinking about seeing you. I was often caught off-guard by my physical response to being near you. If you stood near me the heat would roll through me like I was near the sun. Your voice affected me almost as if you were touching me. We could be talking about the weather but in my mind you had me pinned against a wall kissing my neck. It was all I could see and hear. More than once, I had to take a few steps away from you my reaction was so intense. It was a little embarrassing. I was sure you knew what was happening inside me.
Did you suspect any of this? There were times when I swear I could feel almost an electrical charge crackling between us. You know how your cock twitches when you see something you like? Women have a version of that too, at least I do. A gush of heat and wetness hits me that is delicious and agonizing at the same time.
The feeling is delicious because it is so rare for me to react at that base chemical level just looking at a man. I am a deep person- not a cave woman for fucks sake! I take time to nurture relationships and get to know people- then lust after them. I lost my virginity my sophomore year of college -- not high school! What am I doing getting all hot over this man that I have only spoken sentences to? I am married for God's sake! What would people say? Thankfully, no one can read my mind.
The feeling you give me is agonizing too, because as I feel myself melt and liquefy, knowing my greedy body is optimistically getting ready for you, I curse the fucking world. Because, of course, you "belong" to another. I am not going to get what I want. I will not be able to satisfy this desire. I cannot have you no matter how wet I am. I cannot bring to reality the visions in my head. I cannot taste you; I will not feel your strong hands on me, your mouth on me, and your fingers in me. I will not get to feel the weight of your body or see the expression in your beautiful eyes looking into mine that moment just before you cum.
So I should move on? I should talk to you about the weather and actually focus on the weather? I should just forget about how you make me feel? I should somehow find a way to stop? That does not sound right or even possible to me. I feel more obligated to honor these extraordinary feelings burning inside me- celebrate them. I am not going to make it so easy for you. I am a little too tortured. I am a little too obsessed. The thoughts in my head deserve a chance to be heard.
