At the control desk I hand my passport to the handsome young security guard, along with my most dazzling smile. He is dark-haired, broody-eyed, and can't be older than nineteen: in other words, he is perfect. He looks at me, he looks at my passport photo, he looks back at me. He smiles.
'Grazie,' he says softly.
'You're welcome, baby,' I reply in all sincerity, giving the boy a seductive wink as I move on into the terminal building, all the while thinking to myself: Yes, oh yes, this is what I want, this is why I am hereβ¦
I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me backtrack. My name is Naomi Sells, though most of you no doubt know me better as Polly Simmons from the award-winning film of the musical "Let's Go To War!". God, that was eight years ago, and I still get stopped in the street by "War!" fanatics (I mean fans), generally older folks whose hearts Miss Simmons captured with those timeless hits "What Is War, Daddy?" and "I'm Feeding The Geese Now". I've done so much since then, trying to get away from Polly's colossal shadow, appearing in stage plays, TV series β even the dire horror flick sequel "Horror House: Certain Death" β but it's no use: to my loyal followers I shall always be little sweet Polly Simmons, sixteen going on nineteen thirty nine. Though I suppose I shouldn't complain. All the royalties from the "War!" CD boxed sets and Collector's Edition DVDs still keep me nicely in Lafitte and oysters.
And in gorgeous rising star celebrity boyfriends (you'd think). Ah yes, the very reason for my little sojourn in Italy: that blot on the landscape otherwise known as Jake Spence. The talented young eye-candy of many a late-night social drama and several cutting-edge (read: impenetrable) modern stage plays β oh and a bloody good fuck too. And we even got on together. Such a waste. But hey, what would any other self-respecting young starlet do on the night of her premiere if she caught her beau in the act of eating out her lesser-known (and, I might add, considerably overrated) "Horror House: Certain Death" co-star? Why, shed pack her bags and takes a trip to Venice of course.
So here I am. The air around Marco Polo airport shimmers from the heat, and thick clouds of exhaust fumes waft idly by me as wave after wave of beautiful curly-haired, full-lipped young Italian men speed past on scooters (alright, so most are wearing helmets, but a girl can imagine, can't she?). Yes, this is why I am here. How better to forget that two-timing talentless vanity-fest himself than by immersing myself in the culture of the world's sexiest country? I get myself a taxi and lean back against the cream leather seat, letting myself indulge in the knowledge that I have a whole weekend to myself. No guest appearances, no agent, no mobile phone. Just me and the city that's more sensual than Rome, less manic than Milan, and which boasts a quite prestigious university. Let me make myself clear. A university in which roughly half the students are eighteen to twenty-three-year-old Italian men. I can't think of anywhere else I would rather be mending my broken heart.
Naturally, my taxi can't take me right to my hotel, because, let me tell you, there's quite a bit of water in Venice, and a lot of it is in the most damned inconvenient of places. So I have to get a boat, and then walk like miles to get to the hotel, which luckily is just off St Mark's Square, which is full of nice smart cafes with sexy waiters in black tie. So I'm happy enough.
The old guy behind the reception desk actually comes round to shake my hand as I stumble gratefully into the land of air-conditioning.
'Ah! Mees Sells! We are honoured! Eh! Psht!' β (This over his shoulder, and not to me, thankfully) β 'Gisella!'
A woman appears and starts flapping her arms as though she'd like to take off (which, judging by her circumference, I reckon is going to be impossible).
'Mees D'Arcque! We love your Polly! She so sweet girl. Good Catholic, yes?'
'Absolutely,' I say from behind my warmest smile. 'Gosh, I'm so flattered. Well, you know, if you have a CD from the film I'd be happy to sign it for you.'
The old bloke looks worried a moment, and I wonder if I've been misunderstood. His lady pools herself around me and gushes, 'Oh, you know, Mees, the music, we no so fond. But Polly, she good, yes? Good clean girl. I say to my husband: "I like her for our daughter, no?"' There follows much laughter.
I laugh as briefly as is politely possible, feeling suddenly very tired. I just want to check in, find my bed, and check out in it for an hour or two. I steer the welcoming party back towards the reception desk.
The formalities dealt with, the hotel guy whistles sharply, and a young man emerges from the back to take my luggage.
'Eh, Roberto,' the old guy snaps to the young man who is clearly his son. 'Room tree-seexteen. And she film star, so watch eet, heh?'
Roberto β tall, dark, and regretfully, woefully unattractive β sidesteps me to reach my bag, and as he does so, he shoots me a contemptuous look. Totally taken aback, I raise a hand to my chest and stare after him as he heads for the lift, but nobody else seems to have noticed. The old guy and his wife are engaged in what sounds like a blazing row (but knowing the Italians, is probably a discussion of the weather), and I am left to trail after my suitcase and its surly porter.
The lift is narrow (everything in Venice is narrow) and Roberto-who-gives-dirty-looks-for-no-reason and I find ourselves almost nose-to-nose with only my small suitcase between us as the lift rises and judders, rises and judders its way up to the third floor. I notice how large his nose is, and how heavy his eyebrows. He has a long scar running from his left eye to the corner of his lip, which horrifies me. I set my face in what I hope is an honest, unassuming expression, but his dark eyes reflect only a severe disregard into my own, and I lose my nerve and end up studying the raggedy twine lift interior instead. I am greatly relieved when the lift doors creak open and I can breathe again as I follow my unfriendly porter up and down the sloping, twisting corridors to my room.
Roberto unlocks the door and pushes right on in there, flinging my suitcase to the floor with little ceremony. I follow, and am happily surprised by the size of the room.