"Good afternoon, Alan, I believe you have requested a home visit. I am Dr Sher and I am a locum at the surgery. What seems to be the problem?
You proceed to describe your symptoms to me. "By your description, I suspect you may have an issue with your hip. This is then causing you to put unusual effort into your thigh muscles. This may be causing you secondary pain. May I?" and I pull back the bedcovers.
"If it is a flexor muscle behind the problem, I will need you to remove your underwear. Can you do that for me please?"
You slide your underwear down your legs and put your hands over your privates.
"I will need you to move your hands too. Don't be embarrassed, I have seen it all before. Can you put your legs together and place your arms flat on the bed by your side?"
You scoop your testicles up, so they don't get squashed by your closing legs. This made me smile to myself as it also had the effect of pushing your penis front and centre. I rub my hands together to try and make sure they aren't overly cold.
"I want you to tell me if the pain is too great," and I proceed to examine the outside of your hip gently pushing against the hip joint, I am looking for any undue movement of play in the joint. I run my left hand across the contours of your right hip while doing the same with my right hand on your left hip. I am checking to see if there is any difference between the shape of the two sides. "Any pain?" You shake your head to signal that you didn't feel any pain. I now know that the issue isn't the joint, it is muscular.
"OK, the joint is fine. Without lifting your legs off the bed can you open your legs like a pair of scissors, not too far but enough that I can access your inner thighs. I want to investigate your thigh area."
I notice a movement in your penis, but do not comment on it. I don't want to add to your embarrassment. I can see your testicles moving and scrolling, but this is completely normal and shows that they are functioning properly. I start just above the knee of your right leg and slide my hand all the way up. I am looking for a raised contour which would suggest a pulled muscle. As I near the top of your inner thigh, the back of my hand brushes against your right testicle. "I am sorry, about the intimate contact, but it is unavoidable I am afraid."
I start to slide the flat of my hand up your leg, again starting from the knee. As my flattened hand reaches the top of your thigh, you let out a quiet "Ah".
