CHAPTER 1
I am as old as the century; but, in fact, I am also as old as the millennium as I was born in the year 2000. Of course I am as delusional as 99.99% of the world's population in thinking that January 1st 2000 was the start of the twenty-first century and simultaneously the start of the third millennium; for as all enlightened people will recognise, the new century did not begin until January 1st 2001; the year 2000 was, of course, the last year of the twentieth century. But I can well understand why the misguided world and I with it, had I been old enough to understand it, celebrated January 1st 2000 as the start of a new era. After all, 2000 has a pristine newness about it which 2001 most certainly does not. Anyway now that we have got that misunderstanding out of the way, I can quite assert, in the full knowledge that I am technically quite wrong, when I say that I am as old as the century which began on January 1st 2000; but we will live with that misconception as it makes checking on one's age so very much easier.
Right or wrong, it's a great feeling, for you can never be wrong about your age as all you have to do to check how old you are (and believe me as you get older, there are occasions when you are not sure about your own age) is to look at the calendar to see what year it is. If the year is 2009, you are nine years old; well maybe, but, equally, maybe not. If you were born in September 2000 and you happened to confirm your age as nine years old, by checking what year it was in June 2009, then you would of course be wrong. And this is where it gets interesting, for lots of people -- millions in fact -- were born in the year 2000 and can, therefore, casually -- and I use that word advisedly -- claim to be as old as the century. But only a rarefied few of us, those who were born on January 1st 2000, can truly claim to be as old as the century. And I can go yet one better; only those who were born immediately after the stroke of midnight on December 31st 1999 can truly claim to be as old as the century at any moment in time. And of course as you have already probably guessed I was one of those people. I have to say that I have often wondered how many of us there are in the world. But it is a question I have chosen not to pursue as it is irrelevant to this story.
My name is William Alfred Symes and I am a Millennium First Minuter -- a true Millennium Boy -- as I was born at one minute past midnight in the year 2000. Both my given names were rather pompous and old fashioned, so I became known to my school friends as Liam; but not to my father, who always, to my great annoyance, I might add, called me William. I am writing this in the year 2025 and so I am twenty-five years old at the time I am telling this story. But to start at the beginning, we need to backtrack quite a few years and look at my early childhood.
I never knew my mother, who, according to my (odious) father, died when I was only two years old. Whether she did actually die or just left him, I do not know; but I am quite prepared to think the worst, for my father was (perhaps he still is, for all I know, as I do not have any contact with him at all anymore) a truly awful man; I count him as belonging to a group whom I characterise as The World's Worst People. As far as I can see, other than my father, I had (have?) no one else whom I can count as family. I have no aunts and uncles whom I know about; were both my parents only children like me? And I did not, and indeed still do not, appear to have any grandparents, either maternal or paternal; the laws of nature tells us that they must have existed; or indeed possibly still exist; but I have no knowledge of them; nor were they ever mentioned by my father,. So as far as I am aware, my only living blood relative is my father with whom I lived -- if you could call it living -- until I was eighteen.
My father, who apart from me, lived alone, was a truck farmer: a market gardener, in miniscule town in northern California near the peculiarly named town of Yreka, close the the Oregon State Line. I don't know exactly how many acres of land we cultivated, but it was a non-stop job. He employed a number of illegal Mexicans, to whom he paid a pittance, to till the land and cultivate and harvest the crops which he delivered to various outlets in the local town. He employed another illegal Mexican immigrant, a woman called Juanita Rodriguez Rodriguez (I never really understood at the time why she had twice the same surname) to keep house for him. Juanita, who lived with her only son, Ramon, in a miserable shack on our land, was a maid-of-all-work for my father -- and for me too, I suppose. She looked after the house, cleaned, cooked and did the shopping, all without complaint and again for a miserably low wage.
As our farm was rather isolated, Ramon, who had been born in the US, was the only playmate I had and we became bosom friends. Ramon went to the same school as I did and spoke English like an American without that sing-song, somewhat nasal accent which older Mexicans have. But to my father, he was just another idle, no-good, damned Mexican. Whether my father, who railed on about his Mexican employees more or less continuously, realised what good workers they, in fact, were, I very much doubt; but without them we would have been in a hole. My father was very much a Bible puncher. He (and I perforce, as my father made me) attended one of those churches set up by some cult or other, in which America abounds, whose main objective is to line the pockets of their so-called clergy with cash contributions from the congregation. Religion seemed to occupy the greater part of my father's life. His favourite subject was sin. My God; listening to him rant on about sin, you would have been forgiven had you got the impression that breathing missed being a sin, but only by a hair's breadth; in a word, sin was everywhere. In short my father was a miserable, mean-minded, religious zealot.
One day, when I was about six, he caught Ramon and me in the barn playing with what we then called our willies. Of sex we then knew absolutely nothing; but as curious little boys, we did as so many before us and since have done; we compared and played with our little penises. There was nothing untoward in what we were doing and any reasonable parent, many of whom have experienced the same with their own sons, would have told us to stop it otherwise it would drop off or some other unpleasant but very unlikely happening would occur to our tiny cocks, and then how would we be unable to pee, or some other such nonsense and that would have been that. But my father was not a reasonable parent; not even the most charitable of judges would have called him that. He called us a pair of little perverts, a word we did not understand at the time and before we knew it, he had the pair of us with our pants down across the kitchen table, where he proceeded to belt the living daylight out of our bare bottoms with an old razor strop which he had picked up from somewhere. Ramon and I both howled with pain, but there was no stopping him as he laid into the pair of us as if there was to be no tomorrow.