Chapter 3: Forming a Father/Son Bond
The next Monday I took my usual seat at the end of the large conference table in the Gorman board room. It had been an awkward couple of days for me after the shower incident with Dean Parsons. I had already planned on giving President May an excuse for why I couldn't join him and the dean for lunch. I wanted to allow more time to pass before I had to spend a significant amount of time with him. I was also determined to not give my body any reason to try and further embarrass myself. I decided to make an extra effort not to gawk at President May as I tended to do during these meetings. I sat there brooding in self pity for most of the hour. Until I heard my name called.
"John, you are one of the very people this decision could affect. What do you think?" The question had come from President May. I looked up and saw all eyes on me. I had no clue where we were on the agenda. I hadn't been paying attention. I felt my face blush; my hands were instantly sweaty; my heart pumped loudly in my chest. I had no idea what to say.
"John, did you hear me? We wanted to get your input before making this decision."
"I'm sorry Sir. I, uhh, I trust whatever decision the board makes." My voice was shaking. It always does when I get nervous. I prayed this would be a satisfactory answer. It wasn't.
"But John, we want some student input before making that decision. It's okay if you are having a case of the Mondays. Frank, can you quickly bring John up to speed." My face turned a deeper shade of red. Frank Minsky was the admissions director, a middle aged man in his late 40s, too skinny for my tastes but handsome enough.
"We are talking about a new outreach program to non-traditional students." I remembered now. This had been talked about at several meetings before this one. There was a proposal to get rid of our liberal arts requirements (known as The Core) in order to attract more adults looking to return to school to get a degree. Currently, our undergrad classes were a deterrent to this demographic. Many on the university saw this as another source of revenue for the university but others thought it would devalue what a degree from the university meant.
I could hardly speak because of my nerves. My voice was still shaky and my heart was pounding. I tried to keep my answer as short as possible. "I tend to agree with the view that this would not be a good idea."
"But the numbers show this would bring in huge revenue." Minsky countered. "We could look to expand our infrastructure with the increased student body this new program would bring." Eyes were on me again. They wanted me to respond. In my moment of uncertainty, I looked to President May. He was slouched back in his seat. His elbow rested on the arm of his chair, and his forefinger was pressed to his temple as always. He nodded at me and gave me a "you've got this" look. This lifted my spirits, and I felt my voice come back to me as air rushed to my lungs again.
"I don't think we will attract as many students by removing The Core as some suggest. Bigger universities than ours already have such a degree and are more affordable. I would probably have gone elsewhere if not for The Core. Why pay more for the same education as the big State College down the road?" There was silence in the room. Had I insulted them? Had I made a complete fool of myself? I breathed a sigh of relief when I heard President May speak.
"I think John brings up an excellent point. We need to reevaluate these projections. They don't seem right to me either. Let's put out another survey and this time include a question about the point John brings up. Would our students have chosen to go elsewhere if we got rid of The Core."
I was relieved when the meeting finished up shortly after this. As everyone got up to leave I pretended to play around on my phone hoping to avoid any small talk or interaction with anyone after that embarrassment. Soon it was just President May and me left in the room.
"Are you ready for lunch? I know I am!" President May drummed his hands on the table as if to give a marching beat to head to Willie's.
"Actually Sir, I have a lot of reading I need to do before class tonight. I don't think I'm going to be able to join you guys today."
"Oh, nonsense. You've got to eat. Plus, Dean Parsons had something come up. It will just be me and you today. It will be a good chance for us to spend some quality time, one on one." He stood up from his chair and walked toward me. "I was impressed with you in the meeting today."
"I don't know about that." I looked at the ground shaking my head in a sulking way. "I think I made a fool of myself. I wasn't paying attention, and then I could barely speak. That was pretty embarrassing." President May placed his hand on my shoulder and gave me a little shake.
"Nonsense, Johnny. You brought up an excellent point. I agree with you on the matter. I think eliminating The Core would be a big mistake. And don't worry about your nerves. You are in a room full of intimidating people. I've seen it happen before." I kept looking at the ground refusing to look up at him. "C'mon! Let's talk it over at lunch." He used the hand on my shoulder to turn me around and nudged me towards the door. He wasn't going to take 'no' for an answer. Reluctantly, I accepted the invitation.
On the way over we talked nothing of the meeting. I think President May sensed I wasn't in the mood quite yet. It wasn't until after Meaghan took our orders that President May was more intentional with our conversation.
"So John, let's talk about the meeting." My eyes turned downward, and I took a sip of my soda.
"Yeah, that wasn't my finest moment. I get nervous speaking in settings like that. I know it's something I have to work on, but I can't help it. I get inside my head too easily."
"Don't be too hard on yourself. I was really impressed with your answer. That was a really good point you brought up. As far as your nerves go, I think that is something that will improve with age. You're the inexperienced young guy in the room. It's natural to feel sort of intimidated by the big dogs." I nodded my head but still didn't feel any better about it all. I did appreciate President May's efforts and the advice he was giving me. I decided to take advantage of this opportunity and confide in the man.
"To be honest, sir, I have felt that way my whole life. Even around those my age. I don't have much self-confidence."
"Why do you think that is?" President May began to put on the role of a counselor. In truth, he had been my counselor and mentor the whole summer. It was just playing out in a more obvious way right now.
"I don't know. I guess I've always felt inferior to others. I've never been able to shake that feeling."
"Inferior? You're a talented young man. I've seen your transcripts. You have outstanding grades! You're a fit athlete. You played baseball, right?" I nodded my head while still looking at the table. "And you're as handsome as any. I would think you'd have your pick of the litter in getting dates. Why do you view yourself in such a negative way? Johnny, you're a stud." The use of my childhood name made me smile internally. It did puzzle me a bit why he called me that. I would have viewed it as flirtatious coming from any other guy. But coming from him, I chalked it up more to his gregarious personality.
"Why do you call me 'Johnny' sometimes?"
