In times where life can seem rough, I think back to what to be grateful for. I was lucky enough to have parents that weren't all bad, even with some serious fights that took time to heal. I was the middle of three, so had someone to be with. And when everything else seemed bad, I had my best friend Caleb.
Recalling all this makes me remember that he rarely let me down. We shared our first drink together when taking some from his dad's liquor cabinet. Spent summers together from sun up to well after it had gone down. The first... significant piece of how I wanted everyone to be. Close, warm and... an overall beautiful experience.
As we got older, it was known how close we were. What neither of us expected was to come out to each other. With that information... he was my first time too. Not because we thought no one would like us. Quite the opposite was true. Both of us had guys that wanted to date us. Though in a way I can't explain, my heart called out to him and he answered with full force. Clumsiness and all, that night never left me.
Believe it or not, I think fondly on that night. I still get hard remembering. Over the past years, we grew up and saw less of each other. I ended up finding someone, settling down, but eventually got divorced. Despite being far apart, we kept in touch and comforted one another through the tough days. Though we could never seem to meet up.
Imagine my shock seeing him at the bar as I sat at the counter. The second our eyes connected, my heart swelled and the smile appeared. How his eyes glittered seeing me told me that I was the first person on his mind. We didn't know how to speak but once he got close enough, the hug we shared was like home. Every part of my body had butterflies as he lifted me slightly off the ground. Putting me down, we sat together and I bought him a drink.
"Never thought to see you around here Caleb." I said as a half joke. We were both clearly nervous.
"Well, I finally plucked up the time to do so." He smiled, hands fumbling slightly with his glass. "Been too long since I've seen you Josh..."
"I know. Can't tell you how good it feels."
"So how are things? Been taking care of yourself?"
"Doing my best since the split. Been over a year and I'm still not used to living in an apartment."
"I can't imagine. Living in an apartment is definitely weird once you've lived in a house. And I build them for a living."
"Right. How is the business going?"
"Growing faster than expected. But we're handling the volume of work. Proud to say I've had help and an excellent designer." He winked.
I had designed some houses for him and he teases on how I have made him a lot of money. But the warmth in his voice says he appreciates it. Nursing our drinks, the butterflies were still there. Something in me said to hold his hand or just lean on him. As if reading my mind, Caleb moved his stool closer and put an arm around me. We were in a corner of the bar with little view for others.
With comfortable awkwardness, I leaned onto his arm. We were both rather tall and built, though Caleb had me beat in terms of mass or strength. It fit in well with his work. Turning to look at him, our eyes met again, the butterflies started to leave my stomach and go everywhere.
"You never stopped looking all cute with that look on your face Josh." He smirked, free hand gently touching my cheek.
"Says the silver bearded man." I teased as my fingers brushed against his beard. "Never thought I would see you with silver hair."
"Best get used to it then."
That awkward comfort came again. I've felt it since we were boys... And he did too. Swallowing a lump in my throat, his lips over mine made me pause. Though once the world stopped pausing, I couldn't help pulling Caleb to me. He tasted like cinnamon and beer... and I could somehow taste the sensual tone of how he moved toward me. The kiss may have been short but that made me crave more.
No one had seen us but the thrill of what happened made me paranoid. We laughed it off and stood close, relaxed as we sat there in our little corner.
"Did you come all this way to kiss me?"
"I might have... Seeing as my first love was in the bar I walked into. And I wanted to show him how much I was missing him."
"Aww you big cheese. Such a burly man getting sentimental."
"You know damn well I can be sentimental and rough. In more ways than one."
Those last words made my skin burn and lick my lips. Looking in his eyes now, they were hungry... and my heart fluttered. We had been starving for each other again for a long time. Had separate lives but stuck together. I hadn't trusted another man since my ex husband and my heart called out to Caleb more than ever.
"Caleb?"
"Yeah Josh?"
"Do you ever miss... what we were before?"
He sighed, our lips barely grazing as he whispered to me. "All the time. I feel guilty for not having come sooner. Not for selfish reasons but as your friend."
"We had our lives you idiot. Having responsibilities means we can't drop everything to see each other."
"Even if we really want to." He chuckled.
"Exactly. And you're here now... Which matters a lot to me."
"I want to be here more. If you want me to."
"What do you mean?"
I looked over at him, a caring look as we caught eyes. "Maybe... this doesn't have to be left in the air anymore."
"Caleb..."
"No. Let me say this. I might have been hesitant to ask when we were in college. But I wanted to try being more than friends. After we popped our cherries, I... god why is this harder to explain now? We bonded... Both of us knew that. How we ignored what really did happen killed me over the years."
--
I could tell he was going through a lot of emotions. To be honest, I was too. Admitting you fell in love with the first man you ever slept with... your best friend... wanting everything, it seemed scary and silly to us. We had talked about it then and decided that staying friends was for the best. In truth, I wished I had shown him or asked to hang out one last time. Then, we might have stood together.
Though as we sat there, his arm around me and holding hands, the world felt better. Not wanting to drink anymore, Caleb suggested going to our favorite hangout during late nights. An old hole in the wall diner with two dollar eggs and bacon. We were the only two there except a cook. Fine by us as we sat in a corner booth. The butterflies were traveling again and Caleb saw them somehow.
"What's that look?"
"You just... seem to glow Josh. I can't explain it."
