I'm Not Gay

Sorry for the wait! I'm in Italy actually and I've been having some serious Internet issues. I've been getting a lot of complaints about length, so I tried to make this one a little longer. Hope you enjoy!

*

That bastard! What is he doing? He hasn't made a move all week. It's like he's not even trying to seduce me...not that I want him to seduce me. But that's beside the point.

I thought.

I hadn't stopped thinking about Bryson for the past two days. We'd had minimal contact ever since he told me he was going to seduce me. It wasn't the fact that he wasn't doing anything that was getting to me. It was the fact that I didn't know whether he had lost his nerve, realized he wasn't gay, found someone else, or whether this was all part of a seduction technique. If it was a seduction technique, then it was totally working. I had never been so revved up in my life. Every time I saw him, or someone even mentioned his name, I got hard. I was like a teenage boy again, masturbating with Bryson's name on my lips. When it came time for the bachelor party, I was so worked up that I didn't even care that I was going to have to stare at naked women with a bunch of drunken morons all night.

Speaking of bachelor parties, I had the world's most awkward conversation with my brother about his party.

"So, Noah, you're coming to the bachelor party, right?" Dane asked one morning.

"Why wouldn't I? I'm a groomsman, aren't I?" I said jokingly.

"I just figured it might be a little...boring for you. I was thinking that, if you want, we could maybe see if they could maybe get a stripper who was a dude...for you. I don't think the other guys will watch, but, if you want, I could get one for you and I would stay with you. I don't know. I just wanted to let you know that I'm not excluding you." Dane finished by putting his hand on my shoulder and giving it a light squeeze. I felt a surge of love for my brother right then. The fact that he would make himself that uncomfortable in order to make me feel included made me feel so loved. I didn't want to look like a girl, but I almost started crying.

"Dane, I really appreciate the gesture, but I want to watch a male stripper with my brother about as much as I want to show mom my porn collection. Thank you, but no thank you. I will dutifully attend the female strip club tonight for my big brother's wedding and I will do it with a smile on my face. I've been meaning to tell you this, but I'm really happy for you. Ashley is great for you and, even though I don't know her that well, I think she's great." I said. I could see the relief coming off Dane in waves. His face lit up at the mention of Ashley, his fiancée. It made me feel good to see Dane so happy.

That's how I found myself sitting at the bar with a beer in my hands watching half-naked females swinging around poles. It wasn't exactly my scene, but Dane was blissfully drunk and having so much fun that I couldn't help but smile and laugh along. Bryson was there too, but was ignoring me. This had become somewhat of a custom lately. Bryson showed up. I stared at him. He ignored me. I stared at him harder. He ignored me even more. If this was planned on his part, then he must be some sort of seduction genius. I went from being terrified of his seduction, to being relieved that he was giving up, to being curious about what his intentions were, and then I was desperate for any form of attention.

"Stare any harder and you're going to put a dent in him." I snapped my head around and looked at the bartender. He was a tall guy with short brown hair, green eyes, and a goatee. He was kind of muscular, but not bulky. He was actually really cute.

"You don't know what you're talking about. I was

not

staring." I said snootily before taking a sip of my beer. I wasn't exactly from a progressive town and letting the bartender from the only strip club in town know that I was lusting after another guy was not a good idea.

"Hey, I get it. He's hot" said the bartender. I looked at him in shock and he continued, "Just because I'm the bartender at the place doesn't mean I enjoy the goods here. Hi, my name is Alex. I'm a fellow homo." He finished with a laugh and I couldn't help but add my own little chuckle. I'd never had anyone introduce himself to me in that way before.

"Nice to meet you, Alex. I suppose you were right before. I was staring, but it's not like that. He's straight." I said with a sigh.

"Good. Less competition." Alex said with a wink in my direction. I was a little thrown off guard. I was not expecting to be hit on in a strip club. At least not by anyone other than a misguided exotic dancer looking for tips. I couldn't help but look over at Bryson sitting by the stage. It felt wrong. I mean, he was in the middle of seducing me. Maybe. To date someone else would be wrong. Wait. That made no sense. I was single and Bryson was most definitely straight. I could date whomever I wanted. However, something still made me say no when I turned back to Alex.

"Listen, Alex. You're cute and you seem really nice. I'm just not in town for that long. I only have a week and a half left here. I'm not really the one-night stand type either. So I'm sorry, but this isn't going anywhere." I said with a shrug and an apologetic face.

Alex started laughing. "Well, I've never had anyone turn my down before I even actually asked them out. But just so you know," he leaned over closer to my face "it's not a one-night stand if you have a week and a half. I'm sure it would take longer than one night to get sick of someone as hot as you." He was really close to my face now, but he just pulled away and went to the other side of the bar to wash dishes. What was wrong with all the men in this town? Had everyone decided it was time to turn gay and torture me? I blushed as I got up from my bar stool and made my way to the bathroom. I splashed some water on my face and looked at myself in the mirror. I couldn't believe it. I live in a city with a very active gay community and I almost never get hit on. I come home to my old-fashioned hometown and suddenly I've got a list of suitors. I mean, that list is only two deep, but still. I walked out into the small hallway that housed the bathrooms and saw Bryson walking towards me. I figured he was going to ignore me some more so I made to scoot past him. Suddenly, I was grabbed around the waist and pushed against the wall.

"I saw you talking to the bartender. Old friend?" Bryson asked.

"What? No, I just met him and he was nice so I talked to him for a little while. Why do you care?" I was being bratty and I knew it, but I had a lot of pent up tension.

He started stroking the hair back from my face over and over. The rhythm of it was soothing my bad mood. "You know, Noah, if you're trying to speed up the seduction by making me jealous, you're doing an excellent job." Then, his lips were on mine for a fraction of a second. I felt the brief slip of his lips against mine and then it was gone. I tried to savor the touch, smell, and taste. He smelled like smoke and tasted like beer, but his lips felt so soft and perfect. That man must have ironclad self-discipline. I don't know how he was able to pull away after such a short kiss. "Now, I think we both need some fresh air to cool off. Come outside with me?" I nodded slowly and he grabbed my hand and dragged me through the bar. I tried tugging my hand out of his, but every time he would just squeeze my hand tighter. I knew Dane and the other guys would find it odd if they caught us holding hands, but they never even looked over. We made our way to the back door of the club. There were two chairs and table with an ashtray on it. Bryson let go of my hand and sat in one of the chairs before motioning for me to take the other. I sat down gently and looked at my lap. I'd waited all week for Bryson's attention and, now that I had it, I was frozen.

Luckily, I didn't need to think of anything to say because Bryson broke the silence with "So, did you miss me this week?"

I suppose the cool thing to say would have been "I don't know what you're talking about. I saw you this week". However, I responded with "I knew you were ignoring me on purpose!" After the words tumbled out, I could feel the second blush of the night creeping up my neck. I looked away in hopes that would be the end of the conversation. No such luck.

"Ah, so you noticed. You didn't answer my question. Did you miss me? I'm going to take that adorable blush as a yes." He smiled like he just won a chess game stretched his long legs out in front of him.

"You really need to stop calling me adorable. I'm not a fucking bunny, for Christ's sake. And, to answer your question, no I didn't miss you. I actually thought you had come to your senses and realized that your obvious heterosexuality would prevent you from seducing me." I said

"That's

supposed

heterosexuality, sweetheart. I like bunny, though. I think you did miss me, Bunny. How many times did you masturbate about me in the past couple of days? Just so you know, I masturbated to you almost twice a day since our last kiss." I think it might have been his goal to shock me.

I stared at him for a few seconds before I turned away and said, "I refuse to have this conversation and I definitely refuse to answer that question. In the interest of changing the topic, are you getting nervous about fulfilling your best man duties on the wedding day?"

"Nah, I don't have the hard part. Dane's got the short end of the stick. All I have to do is remember the ring, he's got to be married after this." he finished with a chuckle.

For some reason, that made me sad. "You never think about marriage?" I asked sincerely.

"Not a whole lot. I suppose I should. Why? Do you?" he asked.

"Yeah, all the time. I used to think that I would be fine being alone forever with my same little apartment and my same monotonous job, but recently I've been thinking how wonderful it would be to have a family. Seeing Dane and Ashley has made it worse, too. Obviously, being gay, I thought my options for family were limited, but nowadays you can adopt or do artificial insemination. If you find someone you love enough and are ready to commit to, you can have a family complete with 2.5 children and a golden retriever. I thought I would never have it, but I've realized that's what I want. I want to wake up in the morning, take care of my adorable children, feed my rambunctious golden retriever, and then make love to my gorgeous husband in our two-story house in the suburbs. I imagine you find that ridiculous." I looked over at Bryson and he was staring at me with affection in his eyes.

"I don't. That sounds wonderful. You could have that, you know. If you just let us happen. I could give you all of that." He said while grabbing my hand across the table.

I looked at him sadly. I'd been so fiery and angry before, but I needed to sincerely and honestly explain to Bryson why I couldn't let this happen. "Bryson, you just got through telling me that you're not even thinking about marriage. You're so confused right now that it wouldn't even be fair of me to start dating you. Not fair to you and, I'm sorry, but not fair to me either. I don't think you understand what this would mean to me. I was hoping to get away without embarrassing myself here, but you need to understand. If I started this with you, I would want the whole relationship deal. I would need dates, romantic gesture, and a possibility of a future with you. I don't think you're ready. Can you tell me in complete honesty that you are 100% sure you are gay? That we would be insanely happy and we would be together for life? Can you promise me my family?" I waited for his answer, but it never came. He just stared at me. He looked so lost and confused. "See, you haven't even thought about these things. You're just not ready, Bryson. Neither am I."

I got up and walked to the door. I hesitated with my hand on the door handle and turned to look back at Bryson. He was still just sitting there. Obviously he couldn't see us as that happy family that I so desperately longed for us to be. I hadn't realized it until now, but when I fantasized of my little family, the man helping me bathe our children and walk our dog was Bryson. He was my dream husband and it looked like it would remain in my dreams. I was sad, but I was also angry. Why wouldn't he think about things like this before starting his seduction? Why get my hopes up if you're not ready for a future? Well, I didn't need a future. I could live in the now. With my mind made up, I headed towards the bar. I stomped behind the bar and up to Alex.

Alex looked at me a little startled and said, "Hey, you're really not supposed to be back here." I reached up, grabbed Alex's face, and landed a kiss on his lips.

"Hi, my name is Noah and I'm free for that date, if it's still on the table." I tried to sound sultry, but with very little practice I'm sure I just sounded corny. I realized at that moment that Alex very well may not be out at work and I just outed him with that kiss. I peeked up into his face, but only saw a smile.

"Nice to finally meet you, Noah. I think I can definitely help you out with that date. But first, a question. Are you dating that guy? I saw you two leave here holding hands. I may be a bit of a scoundrel from time to time, but I don't deal with taken guys. So tell me, honestly, are you with him?" Alex looked at me seriously and I had to actually think. Was I

with

Bryson? No, anything that could have been between us died when I scared Bryson away with my plans for the future.

I looked Alex square in the eye and said, "I'm not with Bryson. He's just...a friend, I guess. Let me give you my number and you can give me a call when you want to go out." I scribbled my number on a napkin and Alex shoved it in his pocket. I didn't know if he would actually call, but it felt nice to talk to a man that wasn't so mixed up.

I went and said goodbye to my brother and the rest of the groomsmen, with the exception of Bryson, who still hadn't come in from outside. I walked to my car while trying to convince myself that giving my number to Alex had been the right thing to do, that it wasn't betraying Bryson, and that the brief kiss I had shared with Alex was just as good as the kisses I've had with Bryson. I decided to just not think about it and I drove myself home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I felt sick in the morning, even though I hadn't drunk anything but a beer the night before. Is it possible to have an emotional hangover? Probably not, but I'm still citing an emotional hangover as the source of my problems. I decided to go get myself coffee at the local café. It was a cozy little place with games, books, and a pretty decent cup of coffee. I had been coming there to relax since I was 16 years old. I was sitting there reading a book I had found on the table next to me when I heard "Hey! Noah, right? You didn't write your name with your number!" I looked up to find the cute bartender looking down at me. He was actually cuter in the daylight.

"Hey, Alex. Yeah, it's Noah. What are you doing here?" I asked.

"I come here all the time. I love to read the books that people leave behind, plus they make a great hot chocolate here." He said while perusing the book selection on the table next to him.

"Yeah, that's why I come here, too. Except I drink the coffee. How long have you lived in Brawnee Falls, Alex? I can't imagine I would have missed you if you had grown up here. Another gay kid would be kind of hard to ignore in this town. Speaking of, I want to apologize about the kiss the other night. You were at work and I didn't even know if you were out at work and I had no right. I just wanted you to know that I apologize if it caused any troubles." I was relieved I got the chance to apologize.

Alex laughed my apology off "No, seriously, don't worry. I enjoyed the kiss and I'm out at work" I looked incredulous at this and he continued, "They sell sex. They're not too judgmental. Honestly, they're just glad that they don't have to worry about me harassing the girls. But, to answer your question, I've lived here for only the past five years. I know it's a weird place to pick to move, but I'm only from a couple of towns over and I've always liked Brawnee Falls. It's a little old-fashioned, but people are expanding their horizons slowly. I'm pretty much out to the whole town and I only get glared at by half the town now, as opposed to the whole town." He finished with a shrug, as if it wasn't a big deal that half the people he lives around hate him. I don't know if I could do that. That's surely what Bryson was asking me to do with him. Live with him in Brawnee Falls and raise our family. He must be delusional. I realized I was spacing out on Alex so I turned back to look at him.

"Well, I think you're very brave. I'm out pretty much only to my family and to my close friends. I just feel so vulnerable when I tell people. It's unrealistic, but I want them to judge them on the person that I am and I don't want them to just look at me and think 'Oh, that's the gay guy.' Is that stupid?" I asked

"No, that's perfectly understandable. I felt that way too, but I realized that, if I want people to get to know me as a person, I can't ignore a major part of who I am. It wouldn't be honest." He said it like it was so simple. Once I thought of it from his perspective, I had to acknowledge that what he said was true. After that, we both started reading. Well, Alex started reading. I spent the majority of the time thinking about whether I was stifling my identity by not telling everyone I was gay. I thought about my life, my family, Alex, and Bryson. I was so involved in my thoughts I didn't even realize that I was staring right at Alex.

"Are you always this much of a starer?" He asked with a smile on his face.

"No! I'm sorry, I was just thinking." I apologized.

"That's fine. This was fun, but I got to go. Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?" asked Alex.

I was still a little wrapped up in my thoughts and I didn't think before I said, "Sure thing. Where at?" We agreed on a time and a place. Alex said he would drive and would pick me up at my house. It took me until Alex walked out of the café to realize that I was going out on a date later tonight. I felt a giddy thrill run through me. I wasn't sure how I felt about Alex, but I hadn't been on a date in so long. I ran home to pick out an outfit.

An hour later, I was sitting in my living room watching TV and waiting for Alex to come pick me up. The doorbell rang and I popped up to get it. I opened the door with a smile on my face that faltered when I saw that it was Bryson at the door. I walked into the living room, allowing him to let himself in. We hadn't talked since last night and I was feeling a little awkward.

"You look fancy." He stated.

"Yeah, well, I have a date so I hope so." I don't know why I did it. Maybe I thought it would make me feel better to make him feel worse, but it didn't work. The look of pure hurt and betrayal that crossed his face at my words made me feel like scum. I shouldn't feel bad about moving on, because he hadn't even thought about a future with me in it. I tried to revive the anger I had felt last night and I gathered it around me like a shield.

"Noah, we need to talk about what happened last night. I-" he got cut off by the doorbell. We stared at each other for a minute, both of us knowing who was on the other side of the door. I moved to go get the door. I felt his fingers close around my wrist and I shivered at his touch. I looked up at his face and he was smirking. That little smirk provided me with enough anger to break free from his touch and go to let Alex in.