In Between

Ten years ago.

I was a senior in high school, an athlete and I had the world at my feet as some would say.

I played basketball and football, I had no illusions about my powers, I was good enough for scholarships but not really good enough to make it as a professional. so I was always aware that I needed to study and keep on the straight and narrow if I wanted to have a future.

You're thinking this dude was hiding something and I wasn't or I didn't realize I was.

I was 6,1 blue eyed sandy haired and very popular so you can say I was a manwhore. I had no preference whatsoever, there was only one rule that I stuck to above all else don't, no sex till I'm 18 and no partners younger than 18, some people would call me a late bloomer but I have made up for it since I turned 18.

A lot of people will think it was a way to use my popularity but in truth is I was trying to fill a huge gaping hole in my soul that seemed to never going to be filled, my home life was shitty with a bigot controlling father and a mother who bowed for his every wish, they were both emotionally unavailable and the both had a child for appearances sake, a good Christian marriage should produce kids so they did.

So I was leaving a trail of girls left right and center I can now think back and be thankful I didn't get anyone pregnant on my road to stupidity, I was set go stay on that road and go to a college near home and stay as I am forever until one fateful day.

I didn't have best friend at the time as I had the emotional maturity of worm but I had my team mates from sport.

But the closest person to a friend I had was Marcus, Marcus was our star quarterback and he was the best, he had what it took to be a pro and he was laser focused in his approach.

He was going to make it come hell or high water, Marcus was 6,4 had amazing dark chocolate skin with warm brown eyes, he had amazing parents who always made time for all of us, an enormous brain, an amazing sense of humor and he wasn't wasting his future by sleeping with everyone who would look at him.

He was the opposite of me in all the ways that counted and I bet you can tell I was infatuated by him, but I wasn't or I wasn't aware that I was.

Even my friendship with him was a fighting point with my dad no matter how hard he tried to hide it from other people.

I had the bruises to prove it but I wasn't giving up on the friendship that kept me grounded no matter what.

It all started with rose, she was a nice enough girl I think we slept together a couple of times and she thought it was going to be more than I was offering so there was an epic scene at school, complete with her slapping me and storming away.

"can you believe this bullshit" I say to Marcus standing near out lockers, but when our eyes meet he doesn't sound amused, he looks pissed as hell.

"we need to talk Sam. "

"but, "

"no buts, you will come to my house after school and we will talk. "

I was preparing myself for a lecture on responsibility from Marcus, I was probably overdoing the whoring thing.

So I go home with him, we get some snacks and go his room and just sit there in silent, I know I should say something, I remember all the perils of sharing that my dad likes to preach.

"I know I'm not doing things correctly. "

"Sam you are messing your life, you could get someone pregnant, that's if we ignore all the anger and hurt feelings you're causing. "

I drop my head in shame, feeling my blush coming.

"help me understand, you are perfectly nice all the time why are you such an ass to girls?"

"I don't know if I can explain Marcus" and I sigh totally defeated "it's never enough, I don't feel as I should, there is no satisfaction there, I think I'm just searching for the elusive connection you know. "

This was probably the first time I made myself vulnerable in front of someone, Marcus was looking at me with a weird look in his eyes and I started berating myself for my stupidity remembering my father's teaching about no one giving a damn.

"look forget it....." I start saying when with incredible speed Marcus's hand shoots out, he pulls my on his lap with his hands on my hair and starts kissing me, seconds later I am kissing him back with every point part of my soul, i open my mouth for him and his tongue starts rubbing against mine, my hand are on his shoulders, his hair, I'm way too hard i can't even imagine, i hear myself moaning and the spell was broken I jump back with my back against the door.

"Sam calm down it's OK there is nothing wrong with liking men I... "

"no Marcus he will kill me I can't I just can't. "

And I started running, I don't think I ever stopped.

That night in bed I acknowledged that I didn't feel the emptiness I felt with girls I felt amazing, and even though in my heart I felt that Marcus was the only one for me, I knew my dad would ruin his life in so many ways, being gay wasn't an option in my house so I plotted my escape from everything and took the farthest scholarship I could get.

For the reminder of the year I kept my head down, apologized to multiple of girls for being An ass and if my heart wept for Marcus's closeness I told myself I was saving him from my dad.

Ten years later I wake up in my bed in New York with a raging hard on and tears falling down my face, I was free, I was successful, I was out but my heart still cried out for Marcus and there was nothing I can do about it.