chapter
thirty
jay
I set Aidan down and kneel in front of him and his super smiley face. "Why don't you go get your daddies? I'm going to talk to Uncle Lowen for a minute, okay?"
The smile slips off his face, replaced with the ever classic eye roll. He huffs and stomps off without a word. Half way back to the living room, he whirls around on his heels, putting his hands on his hips in the classic
I'm-highly offended
stance. "Mugget can't stay neever. It's not fair."
Carson is staring wide-eyed at Loren like he's about to sprout a second head.
I do a double-take. "Why's he looking at you like that?"
Loren returns Muggy's stare, then smiles when Carson's eyes widen. The little guy looks at me like,
who is this guy?
Then he turns back to Loren because you never take your eye off the enemy.
Loren kisses the side of his head and hands him off to Seamus, who's trying his best to look nonchalant.
Even as he's hauled away, Carson is still watching.
"I'm starting to get a complex." Loren is watching Carson, holding eye contact. "He looks a lot like Seamus. Even nails me with the same unimpressed stare."
But he secretly loves it. I know it.
That familiar feeling fizzles around in my chest. That feel good tingle I get when Loren does cute stuff. If I'm not careful, he'll use that to his advantage. He will swoop in and distract me, maybe even ruin my resolve.
I gesture to the door. "Walk?"
He sucks in a breath and rubs his palms against his thighs, but he nods and opens the door anyway. The ride to the lobby is silent, as are the first few blocks. I stick my hands in my pockets. I'm usually the one who instigates this stuff, but I can't. Not this time. It's his turn. I love this man more than I've loved anyone in my entire life, but that's not always enough.
The thing about Loren is this: he's not always great at communicating with words, but he can't stop communicating with his eyes.
When Loren first came to the house after the fight, he brought his bedroom eyes. They were heated and sexy and I knew he wasn't there to fix things. He was there to fuck his way through an apology. When he came with the U-Haul, he brought his determined eyes. He wasn't sorry as much as he was tired of getting the cold shoulder.
Now he's got eyes I've never seen. They're determined but terrified. It's a start.
"There's a lot I need to say, but I'm afraid you'll tell me to go home." Loren pins me with another look I've never seen. Self-doubt.
"I won't tell you to go home."
He rotates his neck back and forth like he needs to prepare for whatever's coming the same way he might prepare for a jiu jitsu match. All that's left is a few leg stretches and knuckle popping and he'll be good to go. I smile inwardly. Of course that's how Loren would tackle something like this.
"I know why you rejected my first attempt. It was shit, I get it. The flowers were another half-ass, lame showboat maneuver. Although I'm happy so many others benefitted from my fuck up, so it wasn't a total waste. It took me a while to figure out why you sent me packing when I showed up with the U-Haul, but I understand."
I look at him, not knowing what I expected to see. I was surprised when his eyes reflected his sincerity. I nod, prompting him to continue.
"You asked me what I wanted, and I answered '
if living with you will make you happy, then it will make me happy'.
It was never about making each other happy, though, was it? It was about doing things for the right reason."
"What's the right reason, Loren?" I hold my breath, waiting for his answer.
Those beautiful brown eyes lock with mine. "It has to be something
I
want, not just for myself, but for both of us."
My smile could light up Denver's electric grid for a month. I reach for his hand, pulling him close to ghost my lips over his.
"You know, your grand U-Haul gesture would've gone over better if it wasn't full of statements like '
If I'd have known you'd get so upset, I would've just agreed in the first place.'
You almost had me until then." I wink.
"Do I have you now?"
"You've always had me."
Loren smile, making my chest squeeze. Goddamn I love him.
"From now on we communicate, I mean really communicate. No more backing each other into a corner."
"I did feel cornered when living together was first brought up. That doesn't mean I'm opposed to it. It's—" he rubs his face and lets out a harsh, frustrated breath. "It's like this," he explains. "Last week, after you sent me packing, I was walking around the house. I was irritated. But you were right, my motivation wasn't...where it should've been. I packed that U-Haul simply to make it stop. When it didn't work, I moped around the house, licking my wounds. Woe is Loe. I was willing to give all this up for you and you said no.
Go home, Loren.
"
"Give up what? What were you willing to give up?"
"My work."
"I-I don't understand. Why would you think you needed to do that?"
"Getting famous on YouTube wasn't all glory. I mean, it was at the time. I loved the attention. All of it. I loved the money. Isaac's parents did a decent job of protecting us from the windfall, but once I was emancipated, I went a little crazy. By the time I was eighteen, I had more debt than I had money. I almost filed for bankruptcy until Mike and Julia convinced me things weren't that dire. The money was coming in. I just needed to stop how much was going out. With their help, I got the spending under control. I had to sell a bunch of stuff to get there, which was embarrassing.
"When I was nineteen, I bought my house. I was determined to do life right. I remember sitting in the little room at the escrow company waiting for them to bring the documents in. I promised myself that this was a new start for me. I was an adult, and I was going to be a fucking badass one who would never need anything from anyone. While I was licking my wounds last week, I looked at all the things I've done to the house. All the failures and all the successes. I grew into who I am while in that house. I know it sounds stupid, but when you said you wanted to live together, I panicked. I liked what we had going because I got all the good shit that comes with being with you, but I had the..." he chews his lip as he searches for the right explanation.
"I thought it was freedom that I had at home, but there was nothing free about it. It was nothing more than a safety net. I got all the good from you, but I still had my house, which was something no one could take from me. It was my independence and more than that, it was proof that I didn't need anyone. And out of nowhere you were like, 'uh, trash that'. I felt like you were attacking the one stable thing I have. But I realized the house isn't what brings me stability and there's nothing wrong with needing someone. This house is just a house, but you're my home. So—"
Loren stops. He doesn't do anything, he just looks around.
"Do you know you light up when you talk about Denver? Whenever you're coming here, you always forget shit because you're in a hurry. It's the only place that has that effect on you."
And yeah, he's not wrong. I've always been drawn here.
"Aidan, Carson, and I drove around after the meeting today. We saw the entire city. Well, they slept, but I saw the city. And...I want to move here with you." He slips his fingers in mine and pulls me across the street through the pedestrian entrance to a gated community.
