Letting Go

*Simon

"I'll see you soon?" Reggie asked me before I got out of his truck.

"Yeah," I said barely smiling.

"I hope everything gets better," Reggie said sincerely. "I'm sorry this had to happen to you. Call me if you need anything."

I barely nodded in response as I waved him goodbye.

I went inside my apartment and flopped onto the couch. I let out a frustrated and tired sigh. The silence of the apartment was deafening and the dim light made my house appear like a still, grayscale painting. Kyle had moved out over half a month ago, and I have been alone in my apartment ever since. I was under the clouds, both literally and metaphorically- it has not stopped raining in Maryland for nearly 9 days, and I felt absolutely helpless and depressed. I continued to sit in silence as I thought of different ways to fix the hellhole I was in.

I had recently been fired from my job, despite the effort and studying I had invested in it. Last month, a new state president had been elected, and Reggie and I voted against him because his policies didn't ensure security and resources for inexperienced and young workers such as myself. To much of our disappointment, he won, and the local company I worked for slowly began laying off newer employees. Unfortunately, I was considered as one of the newer ones, and I was released a week ago. I have been struggling to look for a new job ever since, and I didn't have much hope for success. Hesitantly, I recalled to what Davis had offered me.

**

Before Gina passed away, we had both visited Davis to talk about how we were holding up as we both began to grow into independent adults. We talked about our jobs and Gina's schooling and my relationship with Reggie before I asked Gina to give us privacy a few minutes after.

"Dad, I'm scared," I confessed to him after Gina left the room.

"Of what?" he replied frowning.

"I just have this uneasy feeling in my stomach that the upcoming months won't be easy."

He scooted himself over to hug me, "President Garvey, isn't it?"

"That's exactly it, Dad," I said as my voice lightly cracked, "I'm not sure my job will be safe if or when he is elected."

"Simon, lets be a little realistic," he lightly chuckled, "you're young. Even if you're fired, the engineering competition is in your favor. Companies will be always be looking for new, young workers to replace their old ones. It's only logical that they would choose someone as energetic and diligent as you. You just might have to do a little traveling to actually find a solid job."

His words barely comforted the worries that stirred in my head. "What about you guys? What about my friends and family? What will happen if I move?"

He gazed at the table. "Success takes a little bit of sacrifice Simon," he replied. "Me, your mom, and Gina will be just fine."

I thought about leaving my mom and Gina behind as I looked for a new job somewhere outside of Maryland. I couldn't fathom the pain we would all be feeling. But what really conflicted me the most was Reggie. How would he react and hold up if I left? Would we still even be together if I moved?

I felt my head spin as I imagined the countless scenarios that would transpire if I were to ever leave to go work somewhere else.

I doubted that I could ever go through something like that. I know I am a weak person that is heavily dependant on all the attention and love I could get from people that I had access to. So I didn't even consider leaving Reggie or my immediate family for a second.

That was, until a couple of days after.

Davis had visited the hospital a week after the terrible car crash Gina and I had been caught in a few hours after we had left his house. He had been the first person to visit me, but I wish he wasn't. After he donated his blood to me, we had a quick discussion before the doctors had a chance to usher him out.

"God, Simon," he sighed in relief, "I'm so fucking glad you're OK. I thought something seriously bad happened."

"I'm fine, Dad," I smiled, "but I'm dazed and a little tired. I'm happy you're here." I honestly didn't feel like talking much- I was extremely exhausted and dizzy.

"I'm so glad you're alive. I thought I would never get to see you again," he replied, shaking.

He began to cry as he gripped my hand. I couldn't imagine the relief he felt knowing that I survived the crash.

I smiled weakly after he settled down. "Not to be rude, Dad, but how are you here? How did you get through the doctors?"

"I have something, very, very important to tell you, and I begged them to let me see you because it just couldn't wait."

I tried to sit up a little, but a sharp pain bolted across my ribs. I laid back down. "What is it?"

He sat down at the edge of my bed. "Yesterday, at work at the cemetery, I was assigned to help a very wealthy family who's father had passed away. Weird thing was, the son of the man that died was Gary Fisher, the CEO and owner of Pamani, the car company."

I used to own a Pamani myself before it was totalled last week. I could hear the excitement in my dad's voice but I was still confused. "Why are you telling me all of this?" I asked.

"After the service ended, Gary Fisher came over to ask me where the nearest bar was. But then, he kept discussing with me President Garvey and his policies. I mentioned you and your work ethic, the car crash, and how you had a premonition that you would get laid off. And you know what he did?" my dad asked hardly containing himself. "He personally offered you a chance to work on one of his specialized mechanical engineer teams. He had so much sympathy for you. He said that he saw himself in you."

My eyes widened and I cracked a humongous grin. "W-what? How is this...". I couldn't even create complete sentences because I was in utter disbelief.

"God, Simon. You know what this means for you? You're going to be rich! You're going to be so rewarded!" my dad exclaimed pulling me into a hug.

I was so overwhelmed with joy and unbelief that I went a little dizzy. How could this be true? Surely, this would be a dream that I would wake up from soon.

"When would I begin work?" I asked excitedly.

"You have to reply to him in less than 3 months while he and his family are still here in Maryland for vacation. You would probably begin work a few weeks after."

The tears that streamed down my face were of pure joy- and I knew Davis was telling the truth because he was crying too. I was being offered a once-in-a-lifetime chance of working for one of the best global car manufacturers, but still, something held me back.

"Where will I be working?" I suddenly questioned.

My dad was taken a bit back by my question. "See, the thing is, Pamani's design headquarters are located in..." he trailed off again. I immediately knew something was wrong.

"Where?" I begged, "please tell me. I need to know."

"Britain."

I had that feeling you get when you drop or forget something important. It hit me too hard- I knew that this offer was too good to be true. My happiness was only ephemeral. I immediately tossed away all my plans of telling Reggie and Gina and my mom: the prospect of working at a place where the Atlantic Ocean separated me from the people I love was unrealistic.

"Dad," I began, "I don't think it's such a good idea."

He gawked at me in astonishment. "What? How could you turn this down?"

"Well, Mom and Gina, and you-" I said before he cut me off.

"We will be fine," he smiled. "In fact, we'll be happy for you!"

"But Reggie!" I abruptly said without thinking.

My dad looked at me sympathetically as if he understood. "I know it will hurt leaving him Simon. But who knows? You might be able to pull of a long-distance relationship. Even if it doesn't work out, I've heard British guys aren't quite that bad.

This offer won't come around again. If you take it, you will be the most successful of the whole family, your reputation will be long-lived. You'll be so secure and rich. At least consider it."

His words unwillingly made me think about the decision, but the thought of possibly ending things with Reggie was far too painful for me to bear.

I sat in silence as I grew sleepier by the minute. Thinking about a life-changing decision and going through multiple surgeries was taking a toll on my energy. "What about Gina?" I asked my dad tiredly, "is she OK?"

He winced in pain at my question and a thin film of water glossed his eyes, but before he could reply, the nurse suggested that he leave.

I didn't know back then that she had passed before Reggie told me. I never found out why my dad didn't tell me.

I barely got a chance to think about anything before I was fast asleep.

Once I was awake, I needed a lot of time to rethink things. I still didn't know what I would do, and I didn't even know if I would take up the offer or not. I had a few days left in the hospital, and I knew I really had to think things over before I was discharged. The main thing I thought about was Reggie and the major consequences my possible job would have on the both of us if I moved.

I knew I couldn't keep this secret from him, and I didn't want to admit it to him, either.

I relunctantly called the nurse in, "Excuse me? I have something to ask you."

"Yes, what is it?" She replied.

I drew in a painful breath before I asked her. "If a man named Richard Harrison, or Reggie, tries to visit me, tell him I can't see him. He's my boyfriend and he's stubborn, but please don't let him see me."

It hurt me deeply to say those words, but I knew I had to say them if I wanted to really contemplate about what my life was gonna be like in the upcoming months.

The nurse looked at me curiously. "OK, but, are you sure? He's been trying to visit you for a long time. You're not traumatized? You don't need his support? I really do suggest that you let him visit you."

I closed my teary eyes and nodded lightly. "It would be the best if I don't see him right now."

The nurse nodded understandingly and walked out the room to inform the other caretakers.

There were a lot of things that I mulled over in the days that followed, but I was unable to reach a decision.

**

I splashed water on my face and examined myself in the mirror before I got ready for bed. Ever since Davis' offer and Gina's funeral a few weeks ago, I had lost a considerable amount of weight. I wasn't skin and bone, but someone could probably tell that I lost muscle mass if they looked closely: that's why I had been passing up all of Reggie's offers of 'get well sex' despite my body's raging will to connect with his. My eyes were stressed from my frequent sleepless nights and constant crying fits, and I let my hair grow longer while I barely maintained it.

I had been hit by too many things at once. I've been stricken with grief and fatigue ever since Gina left, and Davis' offer never left my mind. Truth be told, I was not OK. Reggie sacrificed a lot of his hours from Rosemary to spend time with me, and I was grateful for that. But Reggie could only do so much to take away the pain that was left by Gina's passing. I saw Reggie nearly everyday, but I felt like I was becoming more of a hindrance and chore away from his work.

Sometimes, I wouldn't even talk to him when we met up, and I knew it annoyed him because he would always sigh loudly and take a sip of whatever he was drinking: a habit he had picked up from me. Reggie isn't patient person, so I concluded that his patience for me was slowly beginning to thin, especially since I rejected all of the sexual passes he had made on me.

I wasn't alone with him around, but I was lonely.

I still hadn't told him about Pamani's offer because I had no idea how he would react. I decided that I wouldn't tell him, but I would make subtle hints and suggestions towards it to see how he would react if I were to take up the offer. I wasn't thinking about leaving him. Maybe Reggie could live off a long distance relationship?

I shook the thought out of my head- as each individual day passed, I was getting closer and closer to the decision that I would take up the offer. It was almost as if the harsh reality of money and suffering was drowning out the ideals I had of love and happiness. I figured it would best to avoid him for now so I could give myself space to think.

"Geez", I laughed to myself as I got into bed, "am I always this pessimistic?"

Once I was in settled in, I pulled out my phone and jacked off to some nudes and sex videos Reggie had taken for me earlier on in our relationship. We had so much sex when I was happier, nearly everyday we met up anywhere we could. Some places were extremely risky.

I reminisced to the time he first fucked me in the back of his pick up truck: his rumbling moans vibrating the air around me and his hairy chest slick with sweat. I stroked my dick faster as I continued to remember the numerous times we connected. We had sex inside the kitchen of Rosemary and in his garage. Heck, we even had sex in Europe.

Images of Reggie became more vivid in my head as my lust for him grew dreadfully strong. It had been weeks since we last did it together. My skin longed for his. I wanted his burly hands to massage me and caress me in places where I needed it the most. I wanted him to separate me and thrust so deep into me, that I would see white. I wanted to feel the hair of his chest and arms as he pulls me closer to his body. I wanted to hear his obsessive moans and sounds that I wish I could record, play, and repeat all day. I wanted to smell and taste his manly beauty: his salty sweat and his sweet saliva. Most of all, I want to see his beautiful face contorted and twisted in pleasure as I give up my body to his.

I bit down on the blanket as I released my load onto myself. My cum arrived in thick, long ropes and wet my shirt.

God, I needed the man more than anything, but I couldn't risk doing it with him because I didn't want to worry him about my weight loss.

I didn't even bother to change because I was quickly falling asleep.

**

Something tickled my foot caused me shoot up straight out of sleep. I was astonished at what I had woken up to.

I was in the middle of a green meadow that had scattered oak trees and daisies growing from the ground. The sun shone brightly overhead as the blue skies disappeared over snowcapped mountains. Where the hell was I?

"Hello?" I called out. No one replied, but a breeze blew over me and rustled the trees and the tall grass. The setting was completely serene, as if I were in some type of heaven. I had no idea where I was.

I looked for what had tickled my foot- it was a furry, brown squirrel, and it had money in its mouth.

I was immediately drawn towards the bills it carried. "Hey!" I called out to it, but it zipped away.

It darted through the tall grass and through the oak trees. I didn't know what compelled me to do it, but I had gotten up to chase it. I was still wearing my pajamas and I was barefoot, but I didn't really care.

I chased the squirrel through the oak trees as I tripped on roots,rocks, and crevices in the ground. It didn't hurt me, so I kept pressing on to see if I could catch the squirrel and snatch the money from its mouth.

The trees around me began to grow closer together as the forest grew denser. I kept running as branches tore off strips of cloth from my shirt and sweats. I ran until it was nearly impossible to get through the trees without having to slow down.

I had managed to keep up with the squirrel surprisingly, and it stopped on a large, flat rock beyond the trees. I squeezed through the last line of tree trunks and dove to try and catch it in my hands.

Just as my hands met its fur, it vanished, and I suddenly fell into a shallow lake.

I surfaced to breathe air, the water was extremely cold and stung my skin. I swam to the rocky shore swiftly.

I was soaking and shivering, and I was extremely pissed.

"What the hell?" I yelled out in frustration. The only response I got was the echo of my voice off the rocks.

I was in yet another strange place, a small lake with a waterfall. As I studied my surroundings closer, the setting grew more familiar. Then I realized it was the lake Reggie and I had swam in during our trip to Croatia. What the hell was I doing here? This was not Maryland.

I scratched my head in confusion as a familiar voice called out from behind the trees. "Looking for something?" it said.

I whipped my head around and my heart dropped to my stomach.

Gina was standing there, looking as healthy and genuine as she always was, in the same jeans and jacket she had died in.

"Gina? What? How?" I stuttered, "I th-thought you..."

She nearly glided over to me and placed her finger on my lips. "It's good to see you too," she said cheerfully.

"How-," I began again. How was I seeing Gina? She died in a car crash a month ago.

I didn't really care how this was happening, none of that mattered. What mattered was that Gina was in front of me, talking and breathing.

I threw my arms around her as I sobbed uncontrollably. "My God... Gina. I missed you. God, I was going through literal hell without you," I cried out as my shoulders shook heavily.

"It's good to see you too," she said into my ear as she wrapped her arms around my back. I let go to talk to her.

Tears were heavily streaming down my face and staining my shirt, and she wiped them from my cheeks. "Now what did I say? You look terrible when you cry," she giggled.

I smiled weakly and rubbed my eyes, "Gina, where are we? How am I seeing you? How am I here?"

"That's exactly what I was about to ask you," she replied, "why have you come here?"

"What?" I questioned, "I woke up here. I don't know how I got here."

She tilted her head in confusion, "How did you find me?"

"I don't know... I just woke up in a meadow and I chased a squirrel," I said laughing at how ridiculous my story sounded.

Her eyes narrowed in seriousness. "You mean this squirrel?"

She pulled out the same brown squirrel I was chasing earlier from behind her back.

"Yes! That one!" I exclaimed lunging at it with both my hands.

She swerved it out of my way. Her kind demeanor suddenly faded and was replaced with a stoic one. "You're lost," Gina simply stated.

"What?"

"I'm disappointed in you, Simon. I thought I taught you better," she scolded.

I shrunk back in defense. "What are you saying?"

She showed me the squirrel again, and shook it rapidly until it melted away through her fingers as black grains of sand. "What were you after? The squirrel? Or what it held in its mouth?"

I looked down with guilt and hesitantly replied, "The money in its mouth."

She shook her head and brought my chin up with her finger. She looked at me lovingly, but angrily. "Money is deceptive," she said, "it fills you up but never satisfies you. You will always lose track of what is important to you if you let it control you."

She suddenly waved her hand and Reggie appeared, along with a young, familiar-looking, blond boy.

It took me a while to realize who it was: it was Adam.

"Oh my God!" I cried out running towards them, "Guys! Guys!"

"Was it all worth it?" Reggie and Adam answered quietly.

"What?" I asked before I touched them. But I brushed it off because I was overjoyed to see them, especially Adam.

Just as I tried to pull them into a hug, they melted into the same black sand as the squirrel had melted into.

"See?" Gina mocked, "nothing good will come out of abandoning loved ones."

"Bring them back!" I demanded angrily, but she shook her head yet again. I clenched my fists and tried to imagine the coming back again, but it didn't work. I sat down in defeat as Gina knelt down beside me and said, "Choose your decisions wisely, Simon."

She touched my cheek one last time before she disintegrated into sand.