Letting Go of Heterosexuality

I joined fetlife because I was always interested in kink. I realized a while after that bdsm opened up a more fluid sexuality for me, which I then ventured into exploring in real life. A fetlife friend challenged me to take action on letting go of my heterosexuality. She thought I was totally homosexual. I still don't think I am, but I think I'm where I want to be. She challenged me to write about it. Back then, I was performing daily tasks at her direction, like messaging dominant men on fetlife, but she got too demanding, and I do have a real life that I have to prioritize. So that fizzled out, and she lost interest.

So I thought I'd post my original writing and then follow up with my current day viewpoint. The mental aspects of bdsm, particularly discipline, are really what does it for me, I've since learned, and writing more is part of that. Nudity is also a big component. I guess, exhibitionism. I don't want to get in trouble though.

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It's been an exciting and difficult 2015. I've been challenged to make some changes. I've been on fetlife awhile exploring my kink and fetish desires. I haven't really done a ton since I've been on fetlife. I've never met anyone. There were a couple of chances, but they fell through. It didn't really bother me. I have been to San Francisco fetish fairs, and I really liked that. I also went to a nude beach with then-girlfriend.

[Since then, I got a real job which afforded some financial stability. I've regularly attended munches in my new city and still do. Nothing has happened outside of just hanging out with like minded people, but that's fine. No nude beaches here either, but there are places for some nude swimming. I've done that privately. One couple caught me and took some pics, but they were way up on a ridge so it wasn't a big deal. I wasn't worried about ending up on the internet.]

My last girlfriend was a couple of years ago where I was open about being submissive and being into cock. She was fine with it, but really wasn't into experimenting. She did bang me with my strap on, but I could tell it wasn't something she'd be into. It had been a while since I got fucked and I forgot how good it was. I realized I wanted to bottom more. I offered to be her cuck, but she knew it was a means for me to explore cock and just told me to go out on my own. So I was done with her. I got the job and moved about a year later. I haven't been with a woman sexually since, and it hasn't really bothered me.

[I still haven't had sex with a woman over ten years, and I don't really care. I think a relationship with a Domme would be ok, and I know enough about myself know to know what I need and what my boundaries would be. Vanilla, heterosexual relationships seem to be in my past now.]

So this year (at the time of the original writing), my fetlife friend challenged me to admit I want to make changes. It's rather difficult to change. I know I'm not going to be satisfied until I have gay sex though.

[In terms of 'gay sex', I mean fucking. I've sucked cock, gotten jerked, and done frotting, so that does count as some gay sex. I want to have gay sex because being fucked by other men turns me on. I'm strongly trans attracted, but I feel like gay sex is a need I have to satisfy. I learned I'm sexually attracted to Black Men. That was a big revelation. Thanks, tumblr! I'd like to date a trans girl, but again, within the context of bdsm. She wouldn't have to be a Domme though.]

I know I've been dragging my feet. So I was tasked to write now to admit that I'm trying to let go of my heterosexual mindset. Being forced to admit it practically wipes me out. Being called queer is hot.

[Being queer is even hotter than being called queer. I don't consider myself heterosexual anymore.]

It's a little overwhelming and seems like this is happening a little too fast for me. Even though I've been thinking about gay sex for a few years. I've been advised by others in my profession to keep my kinks and fetishes quiet and private.

[And this is a problem - I'm in a mostly red area, not in a large city. I was almost doxed. My kink friends don't think it's that big a deal if I was, but I'm not going to push.]

I'm worried about being actually gay.

[I'm not anymore. People probably think I am because I'm single at my age. It's the kink part I think would be more problematic than actually being gay. I don't think I am anyway. I would have realized it way earlier. I'm super attracted to trans girls anyway.]

But it's really not that hard for me to say that I have strong urges for gay sex. Hedonistic. Unfettered. Real gay men date and marry. They're respected among their gay peers. I want to be nude and shaved on my hands and knees. Some are collared. I've seen how some gay men have looked at me. They see someone they can use. That's hot to me and I want to experience that again. I have to do it because I want to do it. I need guidance and the reinforcement though.

[This still holds true, but I don't think I'll have sexual interaction with men outside of a bdsm context.]