I lay in bed the entire day, unable to fall asleep, crying every now and then. The silence of the house was both a blessing as well as a curse. I loved the tranquility of it all, being able to relax my otherwise chaotic mind, yet the stillness of everything made me think even more. I heard the engine of my dad's jeep pulling into the driveway, the engine cutting off.
A couple of minutes later, I heard a light knock on the door before the handle turned, the door creaking as it parted with the doorframe. "Drew, are you awake?" My dad whispered, I guess not wanting to wake me up if I had been sleeping.
"I'm awake." I said, not turning towards the door, keeping my eyes on the window.
"I bought pizza, I figured you'd be hungry." He said, the door creaking as he opened it further.
"Thanks dad but I'm not hungry." I said. He came over and sat down at the foot of my bed, his weight causing the bed to tilt slightly in his direction.
"You sure? It's pepperoni your favorite." He said. I furrowed my eyebrows.
"You remembered that?" I said, turning slightly to face him.
"Of course I did. You're my son right?" He said. He hadn't referred to me as his son in so long I kind of forgot that I was. Maybe breaking up with Nick was the right thing to do, if my dad and I could reconcile our past.
"Right." I said, dropping my head back down onto the pillow.
"I'm sorry." He said, laying a hand on my leg.
"You don't have to be sorry. I wanted to break up with him." I said.
"No I do and you and I both know you didn't want to break up with him. I'm sorry I've been such a bad father. I shouldn't have asked you to be something you're not. You were right. I should have been more understanding. My past gave me no excuse to treat you the way I did." I sighed, sitting up on the bed and looking at my father.
"It's okay dad. I'm going to be straight now. Everything can go back to the way it was." I said.
"No you're not. You're gay Drew, I was wrong trying to make you think otherwise. I see that now. I love you so much, and I know your mom wouldn't want you to pretend to be someone you're not either. I'm sorry." He said, dropping his head in embarrassment.
"It doesn't matter anyway. I broke up with Nick and that's the way it's going to stay."
"You love him don't you." He said, a statement more than a question. I kept quiet, not wanting to say anything. "Listen Drew, I can see it. I can see how much you love him. I can see how much you're broken up about it. From the kiss I saw that day I can tell he loves you very much too, so why are you pushing him away?" I remained silent, not wanting to remember the horrible nightmare I had. "Drew, talk to me. I just want to help."
"I'm scared dad." I said, feeling my eyes water again.
"Scared? Of what?"
"I'm scared I will lose him, like I lost mom. I'm scared that one day I'll wake up and he won't." I cried, letting a tear roll down my cheeks.
"Oh Drew...let me tell you something okay. Death is a thing of life, you can't prevent it and you can't control it. Letting that fear dictate your life isn't living. You're telling me that you're going to throw away your life over something you have no control over." He said, moving up and putting a hand on my shoulder.
"Dean said the same thing." I chuckled sadly.
"And he's right. Listen, when I lost your mom, I was devastated, but that's not what I choose to remember about her. Instead of her death, I remember when we shared our first date. I remember whenever she would smile at me when I came home from work. I remember her smell, her laugh, everything that made your mother special to me. I remember the day she held you when you were born, and I thought that this was what life was about.
"If you're going to throw away what could have been an amazing relationship because of a fear that it would end before you were ready, then what's the point in living anyway. If your mom passed a year after our marriage or twenty, I still have that amount of time I shared with her. That amount of time that I felt complete. Can you honestly say that you feel complete now, breaking up with Nick?" He said.
"Even if I wanted to get back now, he won't. I hurt him really bad, and I don't think he will ever forgive me for it."
"You'll be surprised what people can look past when they love someone." He smiled, squeezing my shoulder.
"Thanks dad. I love you."
"I love you too son. I don't say it enough but I do, more than anything. I'm so proud of the man you have become." He said, hugging me in his tight embrace. It had been too long since I felt his strong arms around me, so long since I felt safe in them.
"So where's that pizza?" I asked, chuckling.
"There's the son I know." He smiled, releasing me from the hug.
Even after my dad's pep talk, I wasn't sure if I could bring myself to get back together with Nick. I was glad that my dad now accepted me for who I was though. For so long I had wished he would say he was proud of who I had grown up to be and today I finally heard it. Never had I understood a child's need for a parent to be proud of them until today. It was different from acceptance. It was a testimonial to the fact that your parent not only accepts you but feels that your life accomplishments are worth something more, something they could look upon and smile.
That night, as I slept, I had the same nightmare again. I saw Nick lifeless in front of me. I didn't cry this time though, my brain telling me to do what my dad said. To focus on the happy moments we spent together rather than focusing on the bad, but still try as I may, I felt sick at the image of his corpse.
The next morning, my dad poked his head into my room, stirring me awake from the nightmare. "Hey kiddo, are you heading to school today?" He asked.
"Nah I don't think so." I said, rubbing the sleep from eyes, once again relieved that it was all just a dream.
My father sighed. "You have to face him sometime you know."
